Starting again...

Today I started dieting yet again. I gained 10 lbs on my cruise and now I want it gone. I am shocked by how much it made my clothing tigher! I am aiming for 30. :) Good luck to me!!!

I wanted to vent about my outlaws. They got Anya a 2T jacket, on clearence. Usually that wouldn't bother me, but I can't exchange it for another at the price they paid. If you are going to buy something on clearence, make sure that you AT LEAST buy the right size. Anya wanted to wear it so bad, but instead, it is getting sold on Ebay, hopefully.

This sucks even more than the soap she bought me. I don't know what what she is thinking... actually, she probably thought a lot about it before she bought it. Why even waste your money, ya know? I would rather she donated to cancer research.

Well, off to the grocery store. I haven't been there since before Emerald died.

:)

Should be interesting.

XOXO

Why

Did you ever just want to be dead? Let this life be over, try again. Just fucking scrap it. My kids are driving me crazy... I can't get the house cleaned up. I just can't. I clean the living room, start on the kids room, and the kids trash the living room. I tell Anya that I can't get her a cookie, so she goes into the cupboard and gets herself a cookie, and Pie gets an apple, and will spit the peel all over the floor, when I think they are just watching tv, and they aren't more than 10 feet from me. The messes, the whining... couple that with missing Emerald and feeling like dog crap all the time, and it makes for a wonderful day.

I wake up in the middle of the night crying. I miss her so bad. I actually peed the bed the other day. I have no idea what that was about. I wake up and I never remember anything. I would love to wake up and know that I was touched by my angel. The only dream I remember recently, left me waking up thinking that I had just abandoned Em at her Dad's and she was going to be mad at me. I woke thinking that I just had to call her. I want to be with her. I want to be here with Anya and Ian. I want to honor Emerald's memory and do right by her. I want my other two to grow up and know that I love them. I want so much.

I want to move to a new house, but I don't want to move to somewhere that has no Emerald history. I want this year to be over, but I don't want to write a year on a check that that doesn't have Emerald in it. I want to grow old and die, and yet I want it to be two years ago, so that I can relish in my daughters sweet hugs and kisses and hold her hand again, and watch her swim in the pool. And hear her call my name.

I want a gift from the santa's workshop. A silly gift I will probably never use, but will love all the same. I want to feel loved, and worthwhile, and I want to be happy.

I hate my life and yet I am the luckiest person alive. I want to capture my thoughts into words and write them down, yet I am ashamed that I think like I do.

I want to believe but I want to know what to believe in...

I constantly evaluate myself, thinking that I suck and trying to find a way to fix it, to find that people like me anyway... they like me a lot more than I like me. Maybe I am missing something.

I miss her... she knows it.

Halloweenie.

A friend of mine mentioned that she bought her son a fish. His first pet. It reminded me of when Emerald had her first fish.

She won it at a carnival... it lasted 2 days. We went out to eat that night, and we asked her what she wanted to eat. Chicken, Hot Dogs, Fish?

And I thought she would puke in her milk. She had a horrified look on her face. It was hysterical, poor kid. I didn't even think about it.

I even remember the resteraunt we went to that day. How odd that things come right back, like you flipped a switch.

I am going to start writing all the moments I can remember down. Just to have them.

:)

Gosh, does it ever end? LOL

As you can see, I write mostly the crappy things that happen here. Some other things too, but mostly just the shit that life has to offer.

Today, for the 20th time, one of my daycare moms asked if she could borrow my car. I had one rule. Don't smoke in it. If you can't restrain yourself for 20 minutes then you have issues..

So what does she do. She smokes in it. She doesn't think I can tell. This isn't the first time, and I called her on it before. The time before this she calls me up crying because she had to walk home from work. I don't care. It isn't my problem. I pay my car payment so that my car can ornament my driveway. I put less miles on it by not driving it also.

Then I get a call from some lady telling me that I need to stop claiming these two daycare kids, that I can't claim because the state stopped paying me for them and took them off my list.

Give me a break. Got me all riled up for nothing, and it wasn't even the daycare mom... it was... someone else.

Then I made all these lotion bars, extras just for the holiday rush. And Pie thought it would be nice if he tested them all out for me... Great kid.

So it really isn't anything bad, just enough to make me excited... I guess.

I did find this cool thing... Provider Watch. I can put deliquent or no pays or if they give no notice. Very nice. They also have a collection agency you can use. If they can get the money, it is better than never getting any money. Even if I have to sacrifice 35% of the payment for their fee.

I will be making sure to check all my new parents, and reporting any that don't pay. This is a great tool! :)

Now, if only I could get healthcare! lol

Finally daycare is starting to pick up...

At the same time that I have all this stuff I need to accomplish! Figures, eh? I feel like I have so much to do, and so very little time, and trying to make sure I take time to hug and love the kids... And grieving for Emerald... it all just takes so much effort.

We are supposed to leave for a cruise on December 4th. Finally... hopefully the weather will be nice. As it is.. it is cold here. This weekend was freezing, well, Sunday was. Saturday it was hot! LOL

I am so tired of waiting for life to get better...this wasn't exactly how I thought things would be.

But here it is.

Not too much to say today. My mind is a cluttery fucking mess. In person, I could go on and on and on.

I started watching a Nip/Tuck. Something about it reminds me of my own life... LOL In a very differnet way... Any I have a crush on Julian McMahon. Yummy. ;)

K2

Just cleaning...

I decided to move stuff around in my room.

Doesn't seem like a big deal, but because Emerald died in my bed, I was hesitent to move it from the exact spot it was in, when she died. But why? Part of me thinks that if it is in the same spot, then maybe I will have more dreams of her. But I don't. It has been almost 7 months, and I can count on one hand the dreams I have had that I remember.

Besides, we need to eventually move from this house, and moving stuff around, helps me work in that direction, I guess.

The holidays are going to be so hard. Especially Halloween. I saw matching mom and daughter vampiress costumes, Emerald would have LOVED them. Tristy is going to be a vampire in honor of Emerald this year. He misses her as much as I do, I think.

We finally rebooked our cruise. We leave December 4th. I have a craft show the day before. The one Emerald made me do last year. Should be exhausting... LOL

Well, back to cleaning.

Having an awful day.

I just have to write and I feel like there is no safe place. I feel like I am going crazy.

Thinking back to before Emerald. I remember sitting in my room. It wasn't really my room at all. It was Rene's house. He let me move in because the girl I lived with, Dandy, was being a collosial bitch. He was still in love with his room mate. But he kept seeing me. We have no air, and they would have parties all the time. My friend Liz would come over and we would just hang out with her daughter, Teeny. I wished I had a daughter too. I had always wanted a child. I was ready emotionally to have one then. I was 22. The circumstances were not of the kind where I wanted to have one then, but as luck would have it I got pregnant. Rene still said he didn't consider me to be his girlfriend. The night that I told him I was pregnant, he went out with a friend of ours, and left me home. I found out later on that he slept with this girl. I knew he did, in my heart...but I tried to push it away. He and his family were going to go to Cedar Point for the day, so he invited me along. He also invited this girl. The whole day he spent with me, pregnant, and him rubbing the back of this girl.

A few weeks later, he went again, this time, just with the girl. I stayed home. It was hot that night. I was bored, I was in the bedroom, listening to CD's. The Gin Blossoms, Pearl Jam, Alice in Chains... stuff like that. This was 1993. I remember that giddy feeling of knowing that I had a BABY in my stomach. I was scared. I had just moved out of my parents house, but I was managing on my own.

Eventually, whatever he had with that girl ended. I mean, I was obviously pregnant and living in his house. It hurt.

In November, I had a test done at the doctor. It was to tell you if your kid had markers for down syndrome, or spinal bifida. Our test came back positive for Spinal Bifida. I was terrified that 1, I would miscarry with the amnio they wanted me to take, and 2 that she would have a neural tube defect.

We went for the amnio, I remember we took my car (that I stupidly traded because I wanted a smaller one.. mine worked perfectly and this one, well, it wouldn't go in reverse half the time.) We had the test at Beaumont Hospital. It was the first time I ever went to that hospital, as an adult. The amnio was scary, but everything went well. We went back home and awaited the test results.

I remember going to the doctor that day. I can't for the life of me remember the name of the doctor that gave me the results. He was nice. He must have thought I was insane though. I was by myself. Rene was totally expecting that we were going to have a boy. His mom had 4 before she had her 1 girl, 20 years or so from the first child (Rene). He said that there were no problems with the baby's spinal cord. No defect. He also said that the fetus was female. To which I replied... "Oh thank God."

Rene and I decided to name her Emerald. He gave me a list of names to choose from and I picked from that list. I wanted an old fashioned name, like Emma. So Emerald fit right in with that. For middle names I don't know why I chose that name. Of course, it went with Emerald... but I can't remember what I was thinking.

The day my water broke, I was yelling at my 9 year old niece, Cory. I felt a pop, kind of like when a water balloon breaks. Didn't hurt, but it was almost like I could hear it! It didn't keep coming out, so I went home that night and contractions started. I tried to be patient. I didn't realise that I should have gone to the hospital. I told no one that I thought my water broke. This was Thursday. Friday was my appointment at the OB, surely they would know when they did the internal, that my water had broken.

Oddly, they even did an ultrasound. And they didn't notice. I started having doubts that it had indeed broken, because, I thought they could tell from how it looked... LOL

Saturday, I went to work, babysitting for my neice. I had contractions the whole time. Rene and I stopped on the way home, and I got a bean burrito, and he picked up some pants he had altered at this store... (the buckle).

Then we went home. I watched Officer and a Gentleman. I finished my shower thank you notes, I had a heating pad... and took a nap. A while later, we called the hospital, because I said I couldn't feel the baby moving. It was blizzarding out. Luckily, we only lived 2 blocks from the hospital.

I remember the childbirth classes leading up to this day. I couldn't wait to see her. I read everything I could. I can still feel it like it was yesterday. Oh the excitement. What a good feeling.

They let me labor for a while. We watched Mickey and the Beanstalk. My labor wasn't progressing. My sister showed up, she was drinking... with my friend Liz. Also, my parents came. My mom was very excited because this was her very first biological grandchild.

My labor continued to do nothing. I just wasn't dialating. They thought maybe things would move along better if they broke my water. (!) I still didn't say anything. They did, and nothing happened. No water came out... I wasn't surprised!

Shortly there after they said that I needed a c-section. So they gave me a spinal, and I was so thankful that my contractions stopped immediately. I felt nothing.

I remember when I first saw her. I couldn't hold her like I had planned. I couldn't even feel her fingers in mine. It felt like pin pricks. (Which is odd.. .because that is how Emerald said my hands felt after her surgery.)

It took me a few hours to hold her. I just didn't feel "ready".

Once, I held her, I never wanted to put her down. I talked to her constantly. She was my friend. From the moment I held her I knew that I didn't need anyone else. I felt complete with her in my arms, in my life. I never knew that you could love anyone as intensly as I loved her.

We did everything together. I took her absolutely everywhere. Much to Rene's dismay sometimes. He wanted to do grown up things, and I would cry if I was away. Heck, she would cry if she was away, so it worked out.

Anyway, that is all for now. I need to go to bed.

Not even funny.

I am watching you too! If you use Charter Communications and your ISP is 66.188.197.76 and you live in Rochester MN.

This post is removed until the person who has accessed it several times from Minnesota let's me know why they are so interested.

Thanks.

My head hurts.

I feel like a big whiny baby lately.

My head hurts, my lungs ache... my mind is reeling... I am tired but I can't sleep.

I have so much to do, yet I don't have the energy to do any of it.

My kids are wrecking the house, but I only stop them when it gets out of control, then I don't have the energy to fix the mess.

With what I am spending on our vacation and other things, I could have paid for a trip to Rome, and a 2 week cruise there. Hindsight... 20/20... it isn't a joke.

I don't even have the energy to say much. It is August and it felt like October last night.

I just want to run away.

I think that if I start living right, then God will give Em back to me. But I don't believe in God... so it won't actually happen. I guess I am using that as an excuse to keep punishing myself for the fact that she died. It is funny how your mind works. I wish I believed in God. If God is all "they" say he is... then he would understand and be there for my anger. I guess I could decide to say I believe in God... so I can at least get my anger out appropriately. I feel like it won't do any good though.

I feel like we are all part of the whole. Emerald still lives somehow, just not in the same way. But when I think of life, before this life. I rememeber nothing. So is that what it is like? When we die, do we move to another chapter, but we have no idea of the chapter before?

If we move to "heaven"... then shouldn't say that there was something before this life? Why do people think that it is so simplistic?? I mean how could it be? If we look at creationists who think that the world is too complex to have evolved from monkeys than, why would they think that our world being SO COMPLEX would have such simplistic answers for life and death? It just doesn't make any sense to me.

I am certianly not a sheeple, although, sometimes I think it would be easier if I were.

My head hurts so bad that I feel like it will explode any freaking second.

I need to go.

Thank Goodness...

Since Friday, I have been so freaking weepy and crying and feel out of control. I couldn't tell you what it was. I know when Shawn said a building looked like the Epcot Center, I started crying and thought he was very insensitive. And today... I think this would have happened regardless, we were at a birthday party and the song from Emerald's slideshow came on, and I wasn't expecting it. I had this feeling of running away, and I was suddenly very distressed and I didn't know why. I have never felt so out of control.

Well, turns out it is some good ol' PMS. Not that I wouldn't or shouldn't be upset. I mean, I am missing Emerald like freaking crazy. But I usually have a bit more self control than this.

Anyway.

At least I know what the problem was. Knowing is half the battle!!!

The Lion King.

Anya wanted to watch this last night. The Lion King dvd special edition is more like the play than the VHS verson of the same. I found that interesting.

Emerald and I went to go see the play last year. God, I miss her. I cried myself to sleep last night.

I was thinking how I fucked up my life is. I want her to come back. I want her to come back NOW. I want to hold her hand and I miss having someone who understands what I am talking about to talk to in the house with me.

Just before she got sick, she had no missing days, perfect attendence at school. She was such a good kid. Then her arm stopped working. Seemed odd, but I tried not to worry too much. I mean, they can fix anything these days, right? God, what a fucking joke. You would think in 20 years the best they could do for brain tumors wouldn't be to give you some drug that lets you live an extra whopping 3 months. It isn't even significant. Do I sound bitter? Then... I top of it, I have this guilt, because part of me doesn't want them to find a cure now that Emerald died. Now, I don't really feel that way, and I want other parents to not feel what I am feeling. I want their hope to be of the future, and not that the only person to suffer is the parent. But it will hurt when that day comes, because it is too late for my girl.

I look at Anya and Ian, and I feel like I shouldn't get so attached. I mean, it could end up that they both die too. I honestly thought we were in the clear. Sitting with Emerald watch Maury.. asking her if she is going to start smoking and drinking at 9 years old... LOL She always just rolled her eyes at me. I should be happy. I had her lifetime. Too bad it just wasn't enough. At 9, I thought, this is perfect and my biggest problems were trying to figure out where we were going to put a 4th kid if we had one, and how to get Shawn to go along with my plan.

I can't believe she has been gone for 5 months. I can't explain it... but because she was so much older... it is what makes my personal loss so hard. Not that my loss is worse. Because the loss of a younger child is still a loss, but what makes that loss hard, isn't losing a close friend and buddy. It isn't missing the days of playing "slug bug", and watching Maury and Charmed and ER and home improvement shows, and shows about freaky guys who are trying to make themselves into cats and where the best bathrooms in the world are located.

In my weakest moments... I wish I was dead too.

I need a break.

I spent the whole day wasting life on this computer. I literally got nothing done and binged food all day for the last two... because it was left over. Most went in the garbage this morning, but what didn't ended up in my mouth this evening. The rest goes out tomorrow. I just can't have my ass continuing to get bigger... (It isn't... LOL)

I am tired and I have tons to do.

The kids all fell asleep early today. Passed out all over the house like they are party animals who got drunk... It is rather amusing. I did pick them up and get them to bed. I should probably make some soap tonight while they are asleep, but I am just so tired... maybe I should go to bed instead.

Shawn is just going to wake me up anyway. Doesn't he know that I don't want to be woken up 4 hours after I go to sleep? So that his freaking alarm can go off for 2 hours each morning, every 7 minutes. I have to wake up, kick him and then have him turn it off. Why am I tortured for his inability to get up. When I have something to do, I don't even set the alarm. I just get up and go. I don't stay up until 4 AM playing video games each night though. I am sure that would have an effect.

Anyway, I suppose I should take my sorry, tired ass off to bed.

Hopefully tonight I will have some good dreams. The ones last night weren't so good.

Well... Life is busy.

Since I decided to do the free shipping on my soap site. I have been very busy. I also bought a bunch of props so I can take pictures, so now my time is strained... On one hand I want to take photographs... on the other, I have to get these orders out. This isn't to mention the host of other things I have to do. Things I have no made public because I have been a bit dishonest about something (a long time ago) and now I just figure it is my punishment to not be able to bitch appropriately. LMAO.

I don't even know why I am sitting on here talking. The things I really would like to vent about (my mil) I really can't... and I have so much to do... life is too short... the days aren't long enough. I have so many things that I could be good at, so many things I would like to try, but I just don't have the time or the money to do it.

Anya starts headstart this year. I have to get her a physical and dental visit, and I have to pay out of pocket. I am kind of bummed out about that. Plus, she has a speech delay... I am sure of it. They mentioned it to me a long time ago, and it isn't any better.

I have been excercising my arms. They are smaller. I can fit on my jacket that was way too tight in the arms, and there is plenty of space. The problem is that there is all this hanging skin. Not sure what to do about it. I feel like I have wings... big, skin bat wings. It is horrible. Sigh. I am kind of hoping that my skin just goes back to it's smaller size there, but I am not holding my breath!

:)

Well, that is it for today.

Back to the grind.

Feeling cracked out!

Stupid inhailer. I sometimes would rather feel that heaviness in my chest and cough sounding like a hyena than use that thing. It makes me so jittery. I hate that feeling. As soon as we have insurance, I am going to go to the doctor so I can get a handle on this. Winter is coming and it just seems just as bad then.... I am so frustrated.

Only 34 days until I cruise. I can't wait.

This weather is really getting to me.

My asthma is constantly kicking in, and my headaches from my sinues. Certainly my personal allergy season is right around the cornor! I need to destress.

I never got to excercise yesterday, but when I went to check how many calories I ate, I was only to a bit over 600... and I couldn't figure out why I was starving! So I ate the rest of my allotment... LOL

I have no idea why I kept forgetting to eat... seems silly.

I have nothing to contribute...

But feel like writing. I wish sometimes I could say anything I wanted. I wish I wouldn't have made the mistakes that make being able to do that impossible. Not that it matters... I just don't want the hassle.

Still working on losing weight. It is taking such a long time to get that last 20 lbs gone... I should start walking. I am going to do that tonight if the weather doesn't get bad. I bet that will help. I want to be able to wear a bikini on my vaction and not have people mooing and oinking under their breath... LOL

I was thinking last night, of how much I miss Emerald (of course), of how different life is now, how I wish it was the same. But because I don't have a choice in whether she is here or not, I am left with only two choices. Either, I embrace the new life, and love just as hard as I did before, or I can shun the world in spite. I don't want my kids to grow up thinking that Emerald made me sad because she died... I want them to know that Emerald's love made me happy and I love them despite her dying.

I wish I had more to contribute, but I don't. Not anything I can say publically, as unpublic as this journal is! LOL

Did you ever wonder ...

If it would be better to choose your mate by first interviewing their parents? I think it makes much more sense. Surely, out there, there has to be someone who has parents that I would pick for myself. We don't have to agree all the time, but certainly, it would help if they could at the very least have a tiny bit of respect for other people.

I personally recognise that I don't know everything. I certainly don't know, what I don't know... and even somethings that I do know, some ways that things are done in my family, I can't guess how they are done somewhere else. Does this make me stupid? NO! It makes me ignorant of that fact, until they are brought to my attention.

People seem not to see that their opinion of the world is also a confession of character. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Try to be sympathetic to people, because sometimes, they honestly don't know.

Yawn.

Tonight I had to get my CPR and first aid recertified, so I can keep my daycare license. That was fun... LOL I was telling the lady how I am having trouble getting daycare kids, and she said that I should avoid telling people about Emerald dying until after they get to know me better and know that my house is filled with love and not some weird voodoo curse.

I got home, and my sister had ordered pizza, so I proceeded to eat 3 pieces of pizza. I have no idea what I was thinking. My stomach hurt so bad. It just isn't equipped to eat that much at one time anymore. I had thoughts of throwing up... not because I am afraid of the extra calories, God knows that I don't eat enough calories most of the time to gain any weight.. ever. As a matter of fact, this one time certainly isn't going to make me gain weight, I don't think I even ate enough to average out a maintain on my weight... but my stomach felt so full, I felt like I should throw it up, to ease the pressure.

From now on, I will only have one piece. Because Holy, Mother of God.. my stomach is still hurting.

Anyway.

I think I am going to buy a book on Buddism. I had this strange thing happen. It was almost like a vision, but it was a split second and it was like a dream... where you know something really cool happened but you can't put your finger on it. I understand something about my world I think. I honestly believe that Emerald still exists. What made her... Emerald, is still here somewhere. It is that feeling I had from that first dream. I knew she had died, but I couldn't put my finger on it. I was sad and searching for her, but... I don't know... I knew she was able to be found.

I think the answers to our spiritual questions are right in front of our faces. We need to dig inside ourselves to understand what it all means. All I know, is that I need to make sure that Anya and Ian know that I love AS MUCH as I love Emerald. They are all important to me... and to this life.

Be well...

Headache...

I have the worst headache. I don't know if it is the weather or stress or what... but I feel like I am going completely crazy. I would sleep all day, but duty calls and I have kids to take care of.

My weight is again at a stand still. It comes off quickly, then nothing for a while. Drives me batty... but at least it goes in a downward motion. I have been pretty good at staying on my diet. Even yesterday, I ate a King Size M&M and I only went over my daily total by about 100 calories. Works for me. It shows me that I can still eat those things, I can't do it for every meal or all day. You have to account for the extras somehow, or you will be counting them on your butt!

I have lots to do.. so I will go. I have currently no soap orders that need to go out... fine with me... for now. I will be sending out an email soon... but I really want to get things caught up here... so I can be on the ball with the soap orders.

Talk to you soon.

I am tired and it is only 10:50 AM..

Today, I am going out with my sister... we will have the kids, (that makes me tired days in advance... LOL) and then I have my photo class tonight. Tomorrow, I have photo class again.

I feel like I am constantly doing something. In September we are going to Vegas and we are going on a cruise. I can't wait. Trying to lose another 20 lbs before then, but there is only 49 days to go, so I don't know if it will happen, maybe if I get my butt up and exercise. I feel like I have no time.

I finally went out and bought a couple new things yesterday, I really needed them, I gave most of my bigger clothes to my friend, Amy.

I really want to take some pictures tonight. Maybe I will. My soap orders are caught up, I only have 3 that need to go out, and those are waiting on soap and bathbombs, which I will make tomorrow. So they are almost done.

Going to send a picture in for a contest. Maybe it will win... I suppose there is always that chance! LOL

I cannot believe in a God who wants to be praised all the time.
— Friedrich Nietzsche, philosopher (1844-1900)

I thought this quote was interesting. Seeking the truth is an interesting journey. Maybe it is more like a lot of short hikes, which add to a journey. Sometimes, you fall upon something that makes you stay and linger a while, and other times, you can't wait to get to the next town.

I still don't know what the truth is. So many thing don't make sense. I am not a religious person, but I am a spiritual person. Some people think that these things are equal and the same, and I can tell you that they are not. I have met many religious people who have missed the point on the religion they are trying to live. This isn't to say you can't be both. Many people are. But in reality usually it is one or the other.

I know that many Christians say that the Bible is the word of God because the people who wrote it were inspired by such. The problem I have with this is this... they were men first. They were not infallable. Perhaps someone was being forced into a way of thinking or forced into writing what someone more powerful wanted and it was then being pushed as the word of God, when in reality it was nothing more than a fabrication in order to control the masses.

I feel inspired by "god". But it doesn't say the same things. I feel that there is something bigger that helps me come to terms with the truth, whatever it may be. That perhaps that the truth is much more personal that a bunch of words written in a famous book. Maybe the truth hides in someone small and insignificant like myself? And only you can find the truth inside your own heart. Maybe my words are the way to that truth. Not to my truth, but to your own.

No, I have no dellusions of grandeur, but I do wonder these things on a daily basis. Sometimes the ideas are crystal clear and other times foggy... but I can taste them on the tip of my tongue.

I had a dream that Emerald told me that I was getting skinnier and that she could definitely tell now. She was happy.

I wish she was happy here with me. I miss her touch. I miss holding her hand, and I miss kissing her full beautiful lips. My baby girl.

Went to the zoo today...

Took some photos of some animals. It is so very different to go to the zoo and take photos with my camera now, and go with my point and shoot. Pictures before were of animals and a lot of landscape, now I can put lots of animal and a bit of landscape. Kind of cool.

Looking more forward to my field trip to Eastern Market next week. Should be fun. This is a mom and her baby, Emerald loved zebras.



This week is shaping up to be busy.. already busy, and it hasn't even started yet.

So I was taking pictures of camels at the zoo. I am not a camel fan...LOL Just not interesting subject matter for me, I guess!



In fact, I am not even going to share the ones I took because, well... First, they suck... and Second, I guess that would be because "they suck", too.



That last picture reminds me of having 3 kids. I miss that. I look for things in 3's.

Have a great day!

Friday again...

How time flies.

I don't understand how it seems to go by so slowly when we are children, but when we get older it goes by so fast. Not that I mind so much now. I feel like I should just push through this life... get it over with.

No change in my weight. I need to start excercising, but the weather has been so hot, that I can't breathe when I go out there. Just an excuse, I know. It is alright... If I start exercising, I bet I will look like I want a whole lot faster. Probably time to add that in, now that my eating is habit now.

Busy making soap. In fact, I took time out from that to write this. I have so much more to say, but I am just exhausted mentally today. I don't know why.

I look no thinner.

Me this time last year... on the far right...



And me yesterday...

You would think that after losing 58 lbs, that one would look like they lost 58 lbs. I took pictures last night, and I look no different. Exactly the same fat ass that I was looking at before. What the hell??

As fat as I look in the photo... I can only imagine if I had 58 lbs on me, how much worse, I must have looked. How freaking embarrassing.

On a different note, I am starting my photographing people class tonight. Should be fun. I really need to know how to set up my lights and stuffs!

So I need to lose another 20 lbs, hopefully right away.... and another 20 by Xmas. THEN, hopefully, I will look good. My sister, who weighs slightly more than I do right now... looks great to me. But I just look like a fat ass. I just don't understand.... What a horrible body I have.

Well... I bought my lights...

I spent about a thousand bucks yesterday on stuff so I can take pictures in my house. At least I will have what I want in photos for my kids! Maybe I can get a few friends and family to pay me for my photography, so I can make my money back... LOL

I have to seriously start busting my ass on SOMETHING. It takes effort to make money.

Hopefully, I can get caught up on my soap making... I can make money pretty quick with that, and now that I have a little help, I can actually get caught up.

I want to declutter things now too. But I am afraid to throw anything away!!!!

Reminds me I have to pay on my storage unit today! I am behind two months!

Well, back to the grind! The kids are being crazy today and I need to get moving on my orders!

Freaking Nuts!

My cousin... technically first cousin once removed, had a baby when he was quite young. I found out today that his child had her first baby, so now he is a grandpa. I am 35. He is exactly my same age, born on my same birthday, in the same year, our parents even stayed in the same hospital room!

Holy crap! I don't even feel like a grown up and I am considering having another baby and here he is having his first GRANDCHILD!

I also have a beef, because nobody hardly reads, I think it is safe for me to say.

My Aunt who has a daughter only 9 mos older than my daughter Emerald was, didn't show up to Emerald's birthday party. She said that her oldest daughter had a basketball game. They knew that Emerald was going to die. So instead of realising that they will have more games in the future, even if it was the end of the season, they chose to miss the party (Emerald was upset by it) and do their thing. That week, my aunt came over and kept saying that her girls were going to stay the night. When it came time for the day they said, they always had some excuse why they couldn't come. Emerald was upset.

Emerald used to go over there and spend the weekend. Lots of times. She got sick and she would invite Tristan, or Anya, but never Emerald. Emerald noticed... I mean how could she not?

So today, my cousin Holly had a baby shower. My Aunt came in, dropped off gifts and left, saying they had to go out on the boat.

WTF? Let me tell it like it is. If you don't even bother showing up for good events in someones life... then why bother showing up for the funeral? To help your own conscience? For pete's sake, I know for a FACT that Emerald would have wanted her to share in the celebration of her life, instead she was only there for the sorrow of her death.

LIVE PEOPLE. Live in a way that honors and respects yourself and others. We only have one shot...you are responsible for how you respond.

Finally!

This morning I lost 2 lbs. Thank god. I hate when I restrict my eating and I get no where! 174. I am glad the number keeps going down....

I haven't been any thinner than this in 6 years, at least.

12 years ago, I was 140. I hope to make it there. It actually feels within my grasp.... where before it was so far away.

I going to be forced to shop soon. I have so few things to wear that look like they fit... everything is so big.

Quiet... and Peace?

My friend Amy took Anya and Tristy for the night. It is quiet with just Ian-Pie and myself here, until Shawn gets here, I suppose. I really need to know what I want to do.... I can't make any drastic decisions... so I am doing nothing really... I have several oppertunities... and I want to do them all.

1. Photography. Which I will do either way, but it is a matter how quickly I want to get myself and how deep...

2. I can apprentice and cut hair. Which would be nice. I can wear what I want and do something vastly different and creative. I won't be lacking with that.

3. Dig into my soap business deeper. Or keep it at the hobby level. Probably will do that. It pays for itself and makes me a bit of money, right now I need a bit more money, so for the short term, I will probably still do this.

4. Continue with child care. I love kids. But I have been doing this for a long time now. And with Emerald gone, I feel like it doesn't matter anymore. Either way, I can continue to watch kids on some level until I decide where I want to go.

I just need a change... or do I? I guess I don't need a change as much as I just need my baby back.

I miss her.

What the hell am I doing these days???

I have been crying for 5/6 days... it is only 11 AM here now, so there is still time for today, certainly it will happen. I will just give into it.

No weight loss lately, none gained either, but none lost. Seems odd. How can I eat so little and still not lose anything. Over time, it won't be that way... and I have completely given up on my old lifestyle of eating McDonald's each day.... this time next year, I will be destined to be thinner. And maybe I will be.

Each night I hope for two things. 1 I don't wake up again, or 2 that this life has all been a bad dream, I want to be a teenager again, and decide perhaps to have no children. I love them. I love them so much, but it just hurts so much, that I don't know if I want that too.... not like I really get a choice.

I feel so insignificant. Like we are all just numbers and we don't matter. I guess there are people that are numbers to me, then there are the others. The ones I love, the ones that I want to be part of my life. When something happens to even the "numbers" though, I feel horrified and hurt. Maybe we are all part a larger collective. For me it is like that. But for some, those that can separate themselves from the rest of us. Those that don't see my pain, and how I am suffering, even though it smacks them in the face.... I kind of envy them too.

Both sides of the same coin. My life story.

How I wish she was, and how I wish she never was. How I am glad I am, but then I wish I wasn't.

Life is unfair and sucky, and yet happy and I love it.

You can be alive and still not living, and not living, but still so alive.

My lost thoughts. It isn't like anyone reads this journal.... LOL

Stepped on my scale this morning...

And I am down 54 lbs since January!

I bet Emerald could tell now... after I lost 15 she kept saying she was around me too much to be able to tell...

People keep commenting on it now, my pants are falling off my hips... they are a size 20. I am no size 20! I feel great. My asthma is better and I am proud of myself. I still don't look different when I look in the mirror, but because I can fit into such a smaller size, and because my stomach feels tighter, I try not to go with my skewed views of things.

Today should be an interesting day. My sister will be engaged tonight and she has no idea it is coming! (I didn't give her the web address to my blog so no worries!) I can't wait to see her face. She will be so excited. Emerald would have loved to be a part of all this. I hope she can see... and I hope she is smiling!

I am in hell...

Ian is driving me mad. LOL He won't let me do anything, just keeps bothering me.

I really need to decide where I want to be in a few years. I feel like for the last year, life was stopped and now, it is moving forward with such force, that I am pushing myself into places just to keep from hitting the wall.

I am really, really into photography. I love it. I love being able to provoke emotional responses with my pictures... I love writing, and I hear that I do it well, but honestly, it isn't a passion for me. Cancer research? I want to do so much more with it, but I am no where near able or ready right now. I just want to figure out who I am without Emerald. I miss her more than anything. I honestly wish I didn't have to exist anymore. Take it back to before my parents had me. Just don't. Then there would be no heart ache, for any of us.

Why did my child have to die? What is it like after you die? Is she happy? Is she an angel? Can she see me? I miss her so much.

Hopefully, I can find my way. I think I need a light though.

Hmmmm....

This weekend, I ate anything I wanted becuase it was a special occasion. I have been doing a Nutrisystem diet since February. I was 230 when I started. I am now 179. The odd thing is that regardless of what I eat now, I lose weight as long as I am staying in a certain range of calories. For a while I was stuck, so I took a week at 1000 or less calories each day, and then I moved up to more. I need to eat at least 1200 for me to be satisfied.

Oddly, the last thing I was expecting this week was weightloss. I have lost 3 lbs. Cool by me! I am working really hard to get to my goal by Labor Day weekend. I still have 26 to go. I don't even feel much thinner. I mean, I can obviously get into a smaller size after losing 51 lbs but I don't feel like I am less fat. When I look in the mirror I see the same frumpy chick I was before. Other people notice and they make such a deal sometimes that I feel like a freak show. OR I was a freak show before, now I can just blend in.

Aside from this, I am just getting my house cleaned up, the yard finished, work on my photography and my soap stuff sent out. I am 3 weeks behind on orders, so I need to get my butt in gear. Only 6 months until the busy season, and I have already been busy. I have no idea what to expect! I want to have time for my photography, but currently, I can only set aside a small bit of time for it.

I just want to scream.

Why did this happen to me? Why am I forced to go on living without her? I guess I make the choice each day. I guess it is my responsibility and priviledge to stay here to care for my other two. But it is so darn hard. I miss her with every ounce of who I am. Days are less brighter because she is gone.

My mi is driving me crazy. I feel like I can't win with her. Oh, well, I can't. No matter what she gets on my case about something I didn't do. Or did do, depends on the situation, I suppose. This time, I didn't call her immediately following the $25 check she sent me. She "put thought into that you know". I bet she did. Knowing that she prefers my sil and then tells me of the wonderful things she got her for her birthday... just makes me want to smack her. The thought comes from her sending me a gift, just to acknowledge my birthday, and then making sure I know that if I were friendlier with her, I would get more. Honestly, I don't want anything from her. I don't even want her friendship. It comes with too many strings, strings that aren't worth it.

I sound like such a bitch. I don't even care. I am who I am. If I have no friends, I am completely aware of why. It isn't like I blindly go through life thinking that people really like me, especially when I am being a bitch. I feel like screaming. I feel like I shouldn't exist anymore. I feel.... I guess that is the problem. Perhaps I would do better numb.