The Lion King.

Anya wanted to watch this last night. The Lion King dvd special edition is more like the play than the VHS verson of the same. I found that interesting.

Emerald and I went to go see the play last year. God, I miss her. I cried myself to sleep last night.

I was thinking how I fucked up my life is. I want her to come back. I want her to come back NOW. I want to hold her hand and I miss having someone who understands what I am talking about to talk to in the house with me.

Just before she got sick, she had no missing days, perfect attendence at school. She was such a good kid. Then her arm stopped working. Seemed odd, but I tried not to worry too much. I mean, they can fix anything these days, right? God, what a fucking joke. You would think in 20 years the best they could do for brain tumors wouldn't be to give you some drug that lets you live an extra whopping 3 months. It isn't even significant. Do I sound bitter? Then... I top of it, I have this guilt, because part of me doesn't want them to find a cure now that Emerald died. Now, I don't really feel that way, and I want other parents to not feel what I am feeling. I want their hope to be of the future, and not that the only person to suffer is the parent. But it will hurt when that day comes, because it is too late for my girl.

I look at Anya and Ian, and I feel like I shouldn't get so attached. I mean, it could end up that they both die too. I honestly thought we were in the clear. Sitting with Emerald watch Maury.. asking her if she is going to start smoking and drinking at 9 years old... LOL She always just rolled her eyes at me. I should be happy. I had her lifetime. Too bad it just wasn't enough. At 9, I thought, this is perfect and my biggest problems were trying to figure out where we were going to put a 4th kid if we had one, and how to get Shawn to go along with my plan.

I can't believe she has been gone for 5 months. I can't explain it... but because she was so much older... it is what makes my personal loss so hard. Not that my loss is worse. Because the loss of a younger child is still a loss, but what makes that loss hard, isn't losing a close friend and buddy. It isn't missing the days of playing "slug bug", and watching Maury and Charmed and ER and home improvement shows, and shows about freaky guys who are trying to make themselves into cats and where the best bathrooms in the world are located.

In my weakest moments... I wish I was dead too.