My head hurts.

I feel like a big whiny baby lately.

My head hurts, my lungs ache... my mind is reeling... I am tired but I can't sleep.

I have so much to do, yet I don't have the energy to do any of it.

My kids are wrecking the house, but I only stop them when it gets out of control, then I don't have the energy to fix the mess.

With what I am spending on our vacation and other things, I could have paid for a trip to Rome, and a 2 week cruise there. Hindsight... 20/20... it isn't a joke.

I don't even have the energy to say much. It is August and it felt like October last night.

I just want to run away.

I think that if I start living right, then God will give Em back to me. But I don't believe in God... so it won't actually happen. I guess I am using that as an excuse to keep punishing myself for the fact that she died. It is funny how your mind works. I wish I believed in God. If God is all "they" say he is... then he would understand and be there for my anger. I guess I could decide to say I believe in God... so I can at least get my anger out appropriately. I feel like it won't do any good though.

I feel like we are all part of the whole. Emerald still lives somehow, just not in the same way. But when I think of life, before this life. I rememeber nothing. So is that what it is like? When we die, do we move to another chapter, but we have no idea of the chapter before?

If we move to "heaven"... then shouldn't say that there was something before this life? Why do people think that it is so simplistic?? I mean how could it be? If we look at creationists who think that the world is too complex to have evolved from monkeys than, why would they think that our world being SO COMPLEX would have such simplistic answers for life and death? It just doesn't make any sense to me.

I am certianly not a sheeple, although, sometimes I think it would be easier if I were.

My head hurts so bad that I feel like it will explode any freaking second.

I need to go.