Getting by.

First, I wanted to say, Kathy, our new phone number is on Emerald's site. Call anytime, I really like talking with you.

Now, I wanted to update, I haven't in a while.

The last couple months have been hellish. I mean really crappy. School is going ok, but the rest of it just sucks. Like I am being sucked down the big toilet bowl of life.

Every now and again, I will say aloud, that I need something... and oddly, if I really need it, it actually happens. So while my life is suckalicious, we have just enough to get by, barely. I had plenty of resources and then with all the strange things that have happened... just relentlessly, I have really used all those up. Another crises could be detrimental. Seriously.

I went to toys for tots for the kids. Last time that I did this, they gave us a lot of stuff. More than they could use, so I put some of it up and gave it to them for their birthdays and whatever. This year, the guy said that donations are really down, so when we got the toys, there were half the stuff, for 3 kids. I was happy and appreciative that we got anything at all, but at the same time, I felt so defeated.

I ended up taking some things back (I had bought the kids each one toy previously) and traded them for more things. With doing that, I still don't have a lot, but at least they have somethings.

I was getting a bit worried about other things like food... I should mention right now, that I had taken a new daycare kid in October, and this kid is great, and the mom is a sweetheart... and the state welfare office, lost her paperwork... so as it stands she owes me for 8 weeks of care, and makes $8/hour. So along with food program issues I had from moving, (out $1400) and Shawn and his brilliant plan to work from home, we are struggling in a bad way. I had some soap orders, but my site was down due to my own fault and I missed the day after christmas orders I would have gotten... anyhow.

I called the food pantry, because I literally had nothing but the food WIC gives me eggs, milk, cheese, cereal, and beans... and very little of anything else... I was really happy when they gave us 4 boxes of food. Should tie us over until things look up. Hopefully by the end of next month.

One of the other daycare moms came to pay me today and gave me extra money... and some toys to wrap and give the kids...`she said that she lost the reciepts and couldn't take them back, but I don't think that is true. :) I found I was only $200 away from having my checking account back to zero... it has been behind... and said aloud, that we need a miracle to get it to zero anytime soon. So the daycare mom that owes me for 8 weeks walks in and says that she got a bonus check from her boss, and she is giving it to me tomorrow... $200! I just about fell over.

The guy we bought the house from gave us a $25 gift card, and my friend online sent me a $50 gift card to Meijer. So I think just like I told Es 3 years ago, there is a Santa Claus, it just doesn't work like we think it does.

I am very fortunate... I have a healthy baby girl growing in my belly... two wonderful little kids, and my own angel watching over me to keep me from getting too far in over my head... I can't wait to get my nursing degree... I can't wait to give back all the good things that I have gotten the last few years...

Have a happy solstice, merry christmas, and if you celebrated hannukah, happy hannukah!

Deep crying... missing my kid.

I feel so guilty for hating life so much this last two years. I miss her so much. I feel like it is a dirty horrible secret that I just want her back, at almost any cost. To put my arms around her again. To hear her sweet little voice and see her smile, and watch her laugh.

I just miss her so much.

Lots going on.

Moving is a lot of work. And I find that I am a much better mom if I am not online as much, so I haven't been.

Soap orders are seriously lagging. I should have them all caught up this week. Nothing new to share really, just the same ole crap.

Just letting everyone know that I am still alive!

Foster parent class.

We had our first foster care class today, and it was good. I think it was really good for Shawn. All these men that were there, were really caring and nurturing, and Shawn got involved with them in discussions. I think that his dad was an alcohalic meant that he didn't get that kind of parenting growing up. Not to mention that I have told him that with the daycare kids, he has to be their role model too. Lots of those kids don't see a dad. Those kids are sometimes at our house 12 hours a day! He was always good with our kids... and Janai. But I think this class is helping him to see that his attitude is what gives the kids THEIR attitude when they grow up. How they become parents.

The fact that I have been saying this for years didn't matter. But because other men. Men that looked like men. Not weak looking men, but people in the community that Shawn would respect voiced their opinions and were very nurturing, I think something clicked.

Lets just hope that it stays like that.

Guess What??

My license for daycare is transferred as of Monday... so we are busy moving and stuff.

:) That was the best news of the week... not to mention that I broke a mirror the night before. I guess it isn't true. (Knock on wood??)

No news is good news?

Still waiting on that licensure stuff. I am getting frustrated about it. But it is out of my control. I have done all I can at this point. So I am still trying to relax and just wait. In the meantime, things are going along just like they should I guess.

All this uncertainity and anxiousness is driving me insane though. The cure? Dairy Queen. Sadly, it hasn't really helped. It has only made me gain 20lbs. Now I am on a diet, which shouldn't be too hard, since we have no money to buy anything. I wouldn't have had DQ very often either, except my sister keeps offering to buy it for me. I shall say no from now on.

I have a friend and no offense to this friend, we just don't share a view point, and while this will be blatantly obvious if it IS the person I am talking about, it won't be if you aren't that person... LOL I've no idea if this person even reads my blog here, so it might not even matter.

Anyway, *destiny* always comes up when speaking with her. That nothing happens by accident, and she is always looking for the reasons that things happen. Sadly, while I don't share in this view point, anything bad that can come from this type of thinking, does rest in my soul. For instance, I think that I am being punished somehow and that is why one of my kids got sick, and died. Now, I tell myself, that type of thinking is stupid. Because, first... What did Emma do to deserve that? Nothing. So why should she be puinished because of something I did? Right?

Anyway, I do believe that we are responsible for our own outcomes. But not in the same way stated above. I believe that if at least once a week for 3 months, you are late or just don't go into your job, and you lose your job. It isn't something greater at work, trying to tell you something. It simply means you need a better fucking alarm clock. I think that I am responsible for what happens to me, but only the things that I have control over, and even then, I personally set in motion some of the bigger things. For instance, say I did get up and get to work on time each day. Then when I had to miss work for a good reason, I wouldn't be penalised. I would be given the time and possibly the sympathy that I might need. I would have set it up that way. I would have helped others give me the label of "responsible" person. But if I didn't get up, and I called in all the time, my label might be something very different.

The other problem I have with that type of thinking is... and this is from a daycare provider standpoint, even if there is something larger at work here. I don't see how say.. *I* can be punished because of someone else's lesson. If daycare parent loses his/her job, then I am out of work too. It just doesn't really seem fair, does it?

I guess it is the same thinking as how I feel about Emerald and her illness. Only *I* take the place of Emerald, in this case.

So logically for me, the blame for ME having an issue in this case, rest squarely on the shoulders of the person who lost their job, and further on my own shoulders for not being prepared with savings just in case it happened.

Anyway, this morning for some reason, I picked up Dr. Phil's book Self Matters. He said something that hit home,

Give yourself a reality break here; there are enough things for which you are clearly and undeniably responsible without your taking on things over which you have no control.

Good point!

We set things up. Perhaps somethings are under the control of a higher power, but like the saying goes... even with that kind of thinking. God helps those who help themselves. We still need to do our own groundwork.

I have always thought that way. I have always been the type to set things up and have it work out. And then Emerald got sick, and I just have been defeated. Maybe today is the day, that I realise that I am part of the reason that things have gone in the crapper. The fault of things does fall on my shoulders, but not because God put it there. But because *I* did.

And I can take it off, and fix it, I can do those little things that will change that for myself. Starting today. So I guess that 20lbs can only be attributed to the crap I stuffed into MY mouth. I guess we shall start there!

Now, I have to add this. The picture above, is NOT the picture that I am intending to be here. I have erased and put it back in several times, for CERTAIN attaching the right photo. And each time... THIS is the one that comes up. How is that for out of my control?

To answer Lisa's question.

Yes! I did go to college yesterday. And I signed up. So as long as I pass the first year, I am going to school for nursing!

Excited?? I am!

Still waiting to hear from the state regarding my license. Getting nervous about that!

Picture of Anya swimming last Saturday! Isn't she funny??

It's that time of the year...

Of course, I can't breathe. I feel like I am sick. I guess I am sick, but it's asthma, nothing that will just go away.

Add my stress to it, and I just don't see a soon end to this.

I was stupid though. On Friday, I found that I was very behind in my checking account. I was so stressed out over the weekend, that I kept crying on and off. Well, yesterday, I am cleaning off the counter and I find... an $800 check from 2 weeks ago that I didn't take to the bank. So I was behind, for no reason, I bounced checks, for no reason. I had the money. Now I am behind... LOL Oh well... at least I am not as in dire straights as I thought!

I hate waiting. Waiting for them to tell me if my license will be transferred. I hate it. My life is just hanging in the balance at this point.

I have an appointment at college today at 2. Hopefully, I can get into the program. I really need to do something else.

:)

Well, nothing really new to report, nothing else to complain about. Just trying to breathe. Literally, and figuratively.

Things are coming along.

I finally heard from licensing, they said that they are reviewing my case because of Shawn's DUI from 2002. And there are a couple things that I have to send back, that will be taken care of by tomorrow, so then we wait for the review.

In the meantime, I did apply for financial aid, and I applied to baker college. Hopefully they will take me. Getting a degree in something would be really good for me.

So that's that.

Hopefully, I will hear from all of these places really quick like!

;)

Something to consider...

I was taking pictures for a while before I got a decent camera. I had an APS camera that Rene got me, that took good pictures, but developing the film, and not having a clue how they were going to turn out was time consuming and expensive. So when they came out with an affordable digital, I was really happy.

The first digital was less than 2 mp at its best. This is an example of one of the pictures. Dirty... small, and just not good quality, but I like how the kids were being kids. It served me well. I got to document Emerald's being 7-8 and Anya being born... bwtn my APS and the digital.

The following year, I got my tax return and splurged on a 2 MP camera. I considered a more expensive model, but for $250 bucks, this would be enough. After all, I wouldn't need anything bigger or nicer than this could do... LOL This is pretty decent and I was happy with it.

For Christmas that year, Shawn thought I needed a nicer camera. So he got me a 3.2 mp Sony. Nice. I didn't think I needed it though. Soon after Emerald got sick. I took as many pictures as I could with that camera. We went to Disney, I took pictures of her last days... I really got Shawn's moneys worth out of that camera.

After Emerald died, I realised that I had all these pictures, but I couldn't use them as high resolution images. They just look grainy and bad when blown up. Now, when I am trying to find a great picture for a gift, I can find one, but I end up not using it, because it just doesn't look right. I ended up buying a more expensive camera. And after that an even better one. Now, I think I am a convert of good cameras. Not to mention that with the cost of cameras being so cheap, you can get a 6 mp camera for what I had gotten a 2 mp camera for! Just crazy!

So, in the way of cameras... make sure you buy the best you can. Pictures are sometimes all you have left of someone's life, and you want them to be the best they can be. ;)

Mercury is retrograde as of yesterday...

I read today that this is a good time to brainstorm. Not a good time to make choices, more likely that something will break down... etc.

So... I have been trying to decide what I wanted to do with myself. I need to come up with a plan. I am happy and would keep doing child care, but because I screwed up, if that doesn't stay in the cards for me, I need to have a back up plan. I applied for financial aid for school, so if push comes to shove, I can have a couple of choices. I am looking at the Early Child Ed program, or possibly nursing. I can get a degree in 2.5 years and my friend who just completed the program is making 22.50 an hour plus benefits. I could live on that.

So, I am going to ride it out... and see where it takes me. If things pan out the way they are now, then maybe I might still try the nursing gig, just maybe have it go a little longer... Or maybe not. I know that there are time constraints and that you have to take so many classes together... but we'll work around that. With Shawn being home all the time... and most of my kids coming in the afternoons, I should be able to work it out. The other daycare mom is going through the same program and she is gone from 8 AM to 3 PM every day. I could probably deal with that. If I put the kids to bed at 8:30PM I would have time to study. It is only 2.5 years. Much less time than I have spent fucking around and doing nothing professional or educational wise with my life.

I *did* get to be the mom to Emerald. I am glad that I have that. It makes the last 12 years worth it, ya know?

Anyway, I am just rambling.

** got a call from Shawn. I bring up that I filed for financial aid and he says...(of course)... maybe I should too. I can go to Wayne State. Sure Shawn, just because I have spent the last 7 years supporting your stupid ass, while I worked 12-17 hours a day, and you did nothing but work at your meanial job, playing playstation until 4 AM each day... AND you have the time, and a low enough income to get finanacial aid, NOW is the time, now that I am serious about something, to decide you are going to start attempting to do it. I don't think so. You can wait until I am done. Jerk. It isn't all about you. I need to have some self worth here. I need to accomplish something in my life. I have spent too long waiting for you to get it together... and I swear to God if you say that I should just watch, because you will make more money than me, and that I am holding you back... I will smack you.

(There, now that I got that out of my system.)

I am tired of being foiled by the master procrastinator.

Can't. Stand. It. Any. Longer.

I want all my stuff in one house. I have now made to payments to the new house, and we are STILL not living in it. It doesn't help that Shawn isn't really doing his part in moving the stuff over, but at the same time, I am just too busy with all I have going on myself to do anything either.

We are going to Algonac again this this afternoon to see the parade, and maybe let the kids ride the midway. It is cheaper this day than any other day. But when I sign off here, I think I am going to start putting Emerald's clothes in the bins that I bought. If I go to the other house, it looks as if we live there too. Sigh. But no beds, so tomorrow, that is the goal, to have at least one big bed, and put together the bottom bunk of Emma/Pie's bed.

Hopefully, it will go to plan. It looks like it may rain on our parade, but we are going to try to give it a go anyhow.

Have a good day!

Hey this is me...

You are Agnostic

You're not sure if God exists, and you don't care. For you, there's no true way to figure out the divine. You rather focus on what you can control - your own life. And you tend to resent when others "sell" religion to you.

What's Your Religious Philosophy?

So what are you??

Well, today, I am going...

To orientation.. Doing the happy dance. Now I just have to worry about the review. I am super anxious about this all. I am trying to focus on the good things that I have going. And trying to talk myself out of thinking that I suck and deserve only shitty things.

It isn't easy. So much has gone wrong since Emerald got sick. Maybe it all started with getting pregnant unexpectedly with Pie. 9 month after I found that out, Emerald got sick, and things just haven been one thing after another since then. It is very frustrating.

I am just doing what I can, and surrendering what I can't to the universe. Because it isn't worth worrying about. At the same time, trying NOT to worry takes a lot of effort. LOL Shawn has somehow got it mastered... He worrys about nothing it appears.

Speaking of Shawn, after 3 months of not smoking, I caught him smoking this week. Now he is taking wellbutrin AND smoking. Nice. And he tried to lie about it. Like my non smoker nose can't smell the obvious. Whatever.

I don't want our kids to even know he does it, so if he is hiding it, it is probably for the best. I also read that if you act like smoking is a normal part of life, kids are more likely to smoke as they get older, because they take it as being part of life, and it becomes OK. If you don't, they get the message that there is something not right and are less likely to smoke. At least for that reason. There is still peer pressure to worry about, ya know? But at least it won't be part of our daily life.

We have daycare going from 4 AM to midnight right now, so he can't smoke on the property at all while that happens... so hiding it should be pretty easy. I just wish he would quit for good. At least when he hugs me, I don't have to hold my breath, when he is smoking, I just can't stand the smell. It used to be tolerable because we would go out to the bar and stuff, but I couldn't smell it on him, especially after myself being immersed in it for hours at a time. Now, it just isn't the same.

:P

Not having a very good day.

Please just hope that they transfer my registration. I found out that I can get into a class (actually, I could have gotten into one last week.) that will cover the orientation stuff, the next one is tomorrow. Unless the lady calls me in the morning, I won't get into that one, but the next one is July 19th. That is much better than waiting 3-6 months. I don't know why that lady told me that. I am glad I called again to find out.

They said that my registration will be "reviewed". That doesn't sound good. Just hope that nothing happens and they transfer it.

Sigh.

And I found out that my sister in law thinks that my mil doesn't like her youngest either. I am so glad she said that, because I thought I was just going crazy. She said she pretty much ignores the little one, and gives all the attention to the older one. Same thing happens here with Pie. I have been saying for a long time that I think she doesn't like him. Good to know that I wasn't imagining it!

In addition to all this, I just think I need a nap. The foster care worker is coming tomorrow to talk with us about Janai. Should be interesting... I just feel so much pressure to be everything to everyone. Sometimes, I wonder who I really am.

I really hate doing daycare stuff sometimes...

My friend was bringing her child to my house for daycare. She was begging her mom the whole time to just stay with her. So after a week and a half... (and this kid was fine when she was here... I mean, playing, laughing, eating... being normal) the mom gives in and lets her go to work with her. So now, she is going to spend the whole day around no kids.

She never even bothered to call and let me know what was going on. So I now can't count on that money of course. This just pisses me off. Plus she still owes me for last week. I am beyond annoyed.

Emerald was the same kind of kid. She would just stay with me and not go with friends... at least when she was younger. Once she started being able to stay the night at her friends she did that. So I understand how that goes with kids. But she could have called me and let me know. Or mentioned it when she called last Thursday and said she would be by to pay me on Friday.

Sigh.

I need to write a business plan for my photography. Maybe I can make a go at that and give this up entirely....

LOL

Photo session yesterday...

With my sister in laws family. Officially my first paid photo session. :) It was a lot of fun. And I got another appointment out of it.

I was so scared that the photos were going to be crap. But they came out good. I am looking forward to the day that I get a proper wide angle, the good L series lens I need and a decent flash. I learn something every time I go.

:D

I am certainly tired these days though. I don't know what my problem is. Probably just the stress of living in two places and my whole daycare saga... LOL It wears on you to have to worry all the time.

Ha!

My check came! Finally something went right!!

OK, need an upswing...

I need to get off my ass and start doing something pro-active.

Not that I am lazy, but right now, what I am currently doing, isn't working.

I almost killed my dog last night because I was stupid and put something on top of my washer, in his "area". It fell off and hit (luckily) only his paw, but it broke his toe. That stupid error wasn't just bad for him, but cost us money we didn't have to fix it... and it isn't even fixed.

I feel like screaming.

I am getting depressed and when that happens, I want to do nothing. I have orders that have to go out. I need them out in less than a week. I am trying, but it is hard. I would rather do nothing.

I am better than I was though. I will keep on trying.

I have no idea what to do about the other things. I can't really advertise for more kids until I move, because... well, I am moving and I don't want people to feel sucked into this house, when I won't be staying here.

I need a break.

Some lady called about 5 kids the other day. I can't do five kids. Even though 5 kids would more than pay the bills.

Sigh.

My mind is working over time. I feel like I can't relax until the crisis is over, and lately it is never ending.

:(

OMGosh... I am an idiot.

I decided to forward my mail to the new address. Well, to be fair, I did it before I thought that the state was going to take 3 months to get me into orientation. So my mail has been going to my new address. Well, today I realise that the state check I get... will be returned to sender. It doesn't get forwarded.

So I called. They said it will be 10 days before they will even investigate, and 8-10 working days to reissue the check.

So for the next 3 weeks, we have no money... I can't believe that I did this. I am practically in tears.

Searching the family database for someone to lend us the 1100 for 3 weeks.

Grr...

Rough afternoon.

I started taking down the stuff in Emerald's room. Keri and I got the shelves cleaned off. Still the bed, and the closet... that is a chore all by itself.

Just so much to go through.

I was reading these cards that a class made for me, after Emerald died. They were sympathy cards. Good thing I didn't go through them before now. Kids are so funny. I think one of them stated..."Sorry that Emerald died, what a rip off." LOL This is a second grader we are talking about. I probably would have found it funny then, but it was funny now, even though I was crying... Yep, Steven L. It is most certainly a rip off.

She certainly has a lot of stuff. 11 years of normal stuff, then add the stuff you get when you are a cancer kid, with a mom who is part of a big community. Lots and lots of stuff. I almost regret it now. It made her feel special, that is what counts, I guess... but I certainly did myself a disservice by having all that stuff come to the house. Lots of the stuff will go into Pie's room. He is taking over the Under the Sea theme. And the more girly stuff (some was from Emerald's dad's house) is going to Anya's room. And a bunch of the stuff I am saving for when Anya gets older.

While I was in there I kept crying and saying that I felt like I was betraying Emerald by taking down all the stuff. Like taking it down solidifies that she isn't coming back. So many emotions going through your head at the same time. It just isn't right.. that this happened to me... to her. I most certainly feel ripped off.

Oh well, someday, I will also be gone and none of this will matter.

Well, it figures something would go wrong.

I found out that because of licensing of daycare homes has changed, I have to turn in my paperwork.. which is done, and wait for licensing to send me a date for an orientation. Soo.. how long could that possibly take, right? Try 3 months, maybe 6 if I want to be on the safe side.

So they recommend, that I stop doing daycare here and move there and shut down my daycare for 6 months. Yeah, right.

As it is, I can have both houses, but I will have barely any money left over.

I sent them a letter asking for an early orientation, or maybe a cancelled spot, I can do last minute! Hope that it works out right. Paying 2300 a month for 2 homes is not my idea of fun.

Luckily, I got two more daycare kids coming... at least I can pull it off if I have to.

I swear if it isn't one thing, it is another.

Well, off to make soap, I have a lot to do...

Well, a new daycare child is starting on Monday.

My friend Kay's daughter is here for the summer. So I have her from about 5 pm until 2 AM every day M-Saturday. Which is cool. It will ease the pressure that Shawn created with the loan situation.

A couple permanent kids would be good, but this will help tie us over until we can work that out. Hopefully soon. Seeing as Shawn is home much of the day, my kids don't really count, so I have the space to have two more during the day, and two more in the evening, if I want to burn myself out really fast... just kidding... kind of.

The carpet over there is so gross though. I need to steam clean it. I will do it today.. because it is so nasty... I don't want to move our stuff into that, eventually we will replace it with wood flooring, but we don't need to do that right away. We will probably make that a winter project. We also want to put up a fence, which needs to be done right away, and hopefully, by this fall, I can get up a deck outside... right now there is just some concrete blocks leading to the grass from the doorwall. :\ I can't imagine living somewhere that long and not having it fixed up.

Shawn wants to rip out the bathtub in our bathroom and put in a nice big shower instead. I have to agree. And the wall paper has to all come down.. it is hideous. But that isn't hard, and painting is just a pain... not difficult.

Sigh. Talking about doing the stuff is easier than doing it. I wish we had lots of extra money and we could pay someone else to do this stuff... LOL But we don't. So we will do it ourselves. Should be fun... not.

Argh, Shawn pisses me off, yet again.

I added a nice flower picture to distract from the swear words. :blushing:
We bought this house. It was ultimately left up to me, because Shawn doesn't work out our bills.

I made decisions based on misinformation that the doofus (AKA Shawn) gave me.

He needed to quit his one job so he could empty his 401 K. That way, we didn't have to pay it back. The would reinstate him later, the following week. So he says, ok, I am going to borrow money from my mom and I will tell her that we will pay her back when the dispersement comes.

Two minutes later, he comes back and says, well my mom is going to lend us half the money, and I am going to take a loan out of my 401k to get the other half. Great, so now we have two more bills.

Why doesn't he ever do what we decide. He didn't want to give up that 401K... he would rather put us in a spot, so that for the next 6 months, things are so tight we can barely breathe.

I really feel like killing him right now.

To make things worse, he stopped working his day job, and started doing it at home instead. He told me before hand, that it was going to cost us a "slight" pay cut. Well, the pay cut was anything but slight. It was $200 a week. When you only make $400 a week, that is a problem. To help defray those costs, he says that he will start working more hours at his night job... I mean he is only gone 20 hours now at his night job, and working from home, takes him about 45 minutes a day total to do.

So he tells me, he increased his hours, and now he is going to be working 28 hours instead of 20.

I must be stupid.

So he tells him mom that we can't pay back the loan that he took out from her without my agreement, as fast as she would like because... well... we got the new mini van... (that increased our bills by $100 a month) and didn't mention that he took a $800 a month pay cut so he could sleep in until noon every day.

He needs to be hit with a fucking clue bat.

I leave him so little responsiblity and he can't even get it right.

I am so mad.

I will get over it.

Pray for another daycare kid... that would solve the problem...

Muggy day.

There isn't any sun today, but the air just feels damp. I don't like days like today. I guess it is supposed to rain later on.

I saw a pringles commercial and it had me longing for Emerald. She would want me to buy pringles, just because she had a "pringles holder" it was purple. She would want to take her lunch every day, instead of getting hot lunch. The hot lunch was free. But she always wanted to bring hers. Sometimes she did. In her Sailor Moon lunch box, that she got from Hot Topic. She was a funny kid. Funny how something like pringles can get me started with tears. I miss her so much.

I wonder how much would have changed this year. She would be getting close to being a 7th grader. It is just upsetting if you think about it too hard. I don't like how the age gap is closing in between Emerald and her siblings. I want her to stay the same age older. I want her to grow older. If I could have anything in the world, it would be to watch Emerald and her siblings grow into adults and share holidays and birthdays and children and sadness with each other. I can see it in my mind. The way Emerald would be as an adult. The way the other two would be. I can even see my visions of their kids. It is almost so real to me.

Maybe when I die, I will be in that same spot. I will be in my spot in life where I can observe just that happening with them. I want to see them all, happy... together.

Gosh, I miss her.

Well, got some stuff done.

My newest daycare mom has a friend that is a plumber so he is going to inspect my water heater for free! Thank goodness, because I couldn't find anyone to do it. The furnace guy is coming on Friday, and Shawn has to go for his TB reading on Wednesday.

That leaves my CPR training. Which will be easy because the lady works out of her home, she did it last year in a days notice.

And my yearly training... Which will be done in the next two Saturdays, but I have to get my certificate to turn into my worker and I won't get that until the 17th.

Then... I can send in all the stuff. Then we can finish moving our stuff in.

I am just so tired the last couple days. My eyes are watering just sitting here. I feel like I need an extra nap, but if I nap then I can't sleep at night. I also got a bunch of soap orders, no big deal, I will get them out, but I wasn't expecting most of them. It is like they come in waves. Suddenly I have a ton.

Oh and I got another appointment to do pictures for my sil's family. They asked how much I wanted to get paid this time. Nice, huh? Still nervous about it. The 23rd of June, I think it is. I can't believe they are all so excited about it. I mean, it is *just* me taking the photos.

Janai's mom said she is going to give me some money on Friday, which would be nice. I mean, I have had her for months now, and they basically have all their work money to do whatever they want. While I use my own money to take care of the baby. Not a big deal, because she doesn't really cost all that much. Clothes are free, and Formula comes from WIC, and just a few jars of food, but she is really perfering regular food. Although, I get reimbursed for her food anyway, through the food program I do. (Amy if you are reading this, did you ever get on the food program??) They reimburse for 2 meals and one snack. The mom brought her a bunch of summer things yesterday too. Which is nice. And the stuff she brought was cute!

I really want to do something fun today with the kids, but because Anya isn't out of school yet (today is the last day) and Alyse the other daycare kid isn't out until the end of the month, we just get to sit here and wait. Kind of stinks, but what can you do?

I have 12-22 gallon bins sitting in my dining room. I can't wait to move them to the other house. Where they will be neatly hidden in the storage room, in the basement. I am getting kind of excited. :)

I am so anxious.

Just all the stuff that I have to get together for moving, the packing, the physical part of it, it all sucks. LOL

Any change is hard, even good change. I think for us, it is going to be just that much harder because of all the Emerald stuff. But the added space at the new house is going to be fabulose. I mean, it is by no means a huge house, and it isn't a nice pretty house like my friend Samantha's house, or my sil's house. It is just a plain old ranch style house. But it will be OURS. That is the good part. I will be able to fit my stuff in there, and the kids will have enough space to run around. That part is nice. I am kind of excited.

But the daycare stuff won't be fun. I have to get my CPR recertified (every year in Mi for daycare providers) And I was fingerprinted the other day... that is new here. Now I have to have my new furnance inspected, the hot water heater, and then... Shawn needs a TB test, and a FBI clearance. Oh and I need a carbon monoxide detector... I bought one though online, so it is coming... and we are going to need to put up a fence in the back, but we can do that after we move in. I am sure there is stuff I am forgetting.

Anyway, this is just another boring post.. LOL

Things are OK, I am tired, but that isn't unusual for me. Kids are good. I have pictures, that I will post them in Emerald's blog later today, I think...

We are moving!

We ended up getting the house. Going to be rough, but we will get through it... or I will. I am very excited. This is more than twice the space we have now.

I have to get my daycare license moved over there... that will be a huge pain the the arse, but it is do-able.

I took pictures today...

Of my nephews. My sister in law has been asking me to take photographs of the boys and I have been putting her off. I was just so nervous that they would all be screwy and disappointing.

After talking with her today, she said, "Wow, you are a perfectionist, I had no idea!" Yeah, I am. It sucks. It is like this horrible crippling thing. I mean, I never even sold soap until Emerald got me into it, by showing and telling it at her school, and then suddenly, I was selling soap. She helped me at my first craft show, she encouraged me to do more, she got mad when she was sick and I wasn't going to do one... so I did one that year. And this year, I did one, in her honor.

It is so hard when I relied on her to help me. Not just physically. She was also my biggest cheerleader. I remember the day I had her and how I knew I needed no one else, besides her and me to get through this life. I just *knew* it, the second that I saw her. I left the hospital a changed woman.

Now when I try something new, I spend a lot of time avoiding before I actually put myself out there. Well, so I told my sister in law to make me make a date, and I will follow through. Without the date, I won't do anything.. LOL



I feel like I accomplished something today.

I got a new mini van yesterday. Not new, but new to me. :D I am pretty happy about it. We needed one now, for a very long time.

I hope you all have a good weekend.

Kathleen, I love your posts.

and Chuck, thanks for visiting!!

And another...

Well, this one wasn't focused on me, but I can identify with people saying such things.

maybe something bad happened so you could learn from it and help someone else, amounting to something good, even if it wasn't good for only you. maybe it would have been much worse, you don't know, maybe that WAS the good. who is to say it is good or bad or why and did god or satan do this? maybe you did it yourself?

Emerald died so someone else could learn a lesson? Seems kind of strange to me. Any god that would sacrifice my child, who didn't want to go, for the greater good, just isn't a god I want to worship. I really find some of these things just too simplistic. Perhaps they work in regards to little things in life, something you wouldn't dwell on trying to understand and these words give a "quick fix." But for me, they don't work at all. It isn't comforting to me to know that perhaps "God" took my child to help someone else learn a lesson. In fact, the idea draws fear in me.

Then there is..

the argument of the riddle of Epicurus:
Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent.
Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent.
Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil?
Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?

This makes a lot of sense to me. A lot more sense than thinking that God is a going to strike my child down to help someone else learn to do what they should.

Personally, I think that the power lies within us. If "god" is in everything, then essentially we ARE god. If god created both good and evil, if god created satan (if you believe in that) then we are ALL god.

Sigh. (I do this a lot)

Still thinking...

Wow, this was a crappy month, LOL

I miscarried, the house deal fell through, and it was my birthday (which sucked like usual) and mother's day, which had its moments, but Em died, so... yeah... of course it sucked.

Sigh.

At least now, we are on the look out for houses. The problem is that the guy we were getting the house from bought it in February for 176K. He wanted to sell it to us for 199K. I would have still went for it, but now after looking at other houses on the repo list, we may be able to find something much, much lower, in a nice neighborhood, nicer house. That would be good. So all isn't lost.

I am just so frustrated.

Kathleen. I love that story. I can see why one would make you think of the other. Yes, still watching the baby. Her mom can't seem to get it together. My power of attorney is almost out, so I will need to get it renewed I think, she just isn't ready to take her child back. Drugs are a horrible thing.

Well, more news today, I got the guy to go to 195K, he said after he put work into it, he is into it for 182K. I am not sure what to do at this point. For us, in the situation we are in. Manufactured trap er... I mean home... with 10% interest and never going to be owing less than it is worth, and not enough space, it seems like a better deal right from the start. And the guy is willing to work with our crappy credit, and we could probably mortgage in less than a year.

Sigh.

It is just so frustrating.

Oh and now, I look out the window and I see hail. Looks like snow mixed with rain... LOL

Better go.

:)

I use this blog...

To sort it all out. So if I sound whiney or I go long periods in between, then.. so be it.

Anyway, the guestbook entry in Emerald's journal today said that God knows what I am feeling because he watched his son suffer and die.

Now. Come On. This is GOD we are talking about. Sure, if what Christians say is true then yes, perhaps he did watch his son die. But God had the power to stop that from happening and he didn't. At least according to many Christians I know. So God doesn't understand how I feel. I had NO POWER in keeping my child alive. I would have given up practically every other thing in my life to make that happen, and she still died. I guess, the thing is, that a lot of people think that their way of thinking will make everyone feel better.

Because I am not a Christian, I don't look at things like that. No way can I say for sure what I do believe, but I can tell you that most of the mindless ramblings of many of the Christians that have emailed me, (And to be fair, there are many of you who do not do this to me.) have been less than helpful. If God understands where I am, then he also understands why I am more pissed than shit, about what happened.

We are on our way to buying a house (I think.) What a collosial pain in the ass it has been. LOL But if it all works out, we will be doing great. If not, well, then we wait. Finding something we can afford, in the area we need to be in so I don't have to shut down my daycare, and with the space we need to get by on for the next 5 years or so is hard. This place suits all our needs. Just cross your fingers that we can get some magic to get it to work out.

AND as happy as I am to move, I am also worried about moving Emerald's stuff. About closing this chapter in my life, the life with her here in this house. But I know I can't live like this forever.

Nothing is easy is it??

Think before you speak.

I got this message today.

Kimberly, I love the name Eliza. I was in church one day and the pastor was talking about when parents lose their children, he was saying that God knows what he's doing, because if he let them get to an age of accountability, they may not decide to choose him, and since he's God he happens to know everything we do before we do it. If he took them home before they ever had the chance to make that mistake, it's just his way of saving them. In eternity all that will matter is weather or not we are with God. I hope that came out right.

No, it didn't, or maybe it did. I am not sure what the hell the point of this was. But it is highly offensive. Especially knowing Emerald. And what would this say for God. God saved Emerald from who? From me? What about free will? Does that enter into the picture anywhere?? I was so upset, I wanted to scream. I did email her back and she hasn't said anything yet.

I wonder if she will.

Then, after I get this, the water company comes to my door, and tells me they didn't get my payment. They aren't even far away. I sent them payment. On top of the $10 extra for the late fee, now I have to pay the $20 collection fee, and $30 overdraft fee when payment #2 hits my account. And my bill was only $24.00. If I would have made the payment by internet, it would cost me $8.00. Why? Because it is less work for them to take internet payments? My phone company offers a $1.00 discount on my bill if I pay them online. But to make a payment to the water company, I have to pay extra.

Let's hope the rest of my day, goes a bit more smoothly! Because I am totally on edge and annoyed today.

Wow! It has certainly been a while.

I don't know why I am blogging today, I think it is a form of avoidance. I don't feel like doing a bunch of things that I should be doing. <--this is a picture of me and Anya, she insisted that I take it, of me and her. She is really funny sometimes. Life is so cruel sometimes. Emerald would really be enjoying Anya these days. Now that Anya can play games (something Emerald always wanted to do) and would understand how to play with Bratz dolls. She understands and values her sister and her brother. It is interesting to watch her with Pie. It is something I never got to experience with Emerald. It just wasn't in the cards to have another baby, I suppose. Anya and Pie play so cute together, sometimes they fight, but most of the time, they are best buddies. Anya does want another baby sister though. Working on that. Who knows.

I think I am going to make a bunch of tiny soaps for Caps4Sam. I think if I use a 2 inch pvc pipe, I can make them smaller. I was thinking I could even make them as party favors, with a portion going to brain tumor research or Alex's Lemonade. I don't know. But something.

I have been on Wellbutrin, and it seems to be working out well. Much better than the drug they had me on previously. It made me a zombie. I just wanted to do nothing. Not eat, not play on the computer. Nothing. Very weird for me. I did lose 18 lbs on it.. LOL Nice!

Well, that's all from me for now. I plan to write again soon.

:)

Tomorrow, off to the doctor, yet again.

JUST as I predicted, my asthma is bad, making a decent baseline impossible. I guess, this will mean I get to come back, yet AGAIN. I am kind of annoyed by the whole thing. It wasn't like I was asking for much. I didn't want meds (although, don't you think that asthma is something you might want to check on to make sure, you know, one doesn't get sicker?) All I wanted was to blow. (OK, into the little blower thingy.) I WILL be bringing it up tomorrow. He will probably make me have another appointment to discuss it.

Ok, so I am just being ridiculous now... I guess, I am just annoyed.

We will see what he says. Should be getting a physical tomorrow... so hopefully, nothing will be wrong with me. Nothing new, that I am not expecting!

Anya jumped off the couch today and gave herself a black eye. That kid is going to be the death of me. She has such a good sense of humor. I really like her personality, when she isn't driving me batty. I really like Pie's personality too. They are so very different from one another. She is intense, and funny. I, teasingly, told her there was no milk, and she went the fridge, and grabbed the gallon out and said, "You have GOT to be kidding me!" What a goof! And when we are talking about something she uses bigger words now. "Well, ACTUALLY, it isn't a dog.. it is a horse." OK. She is talking so much better. Some words are still off, but you can really get the jist of what she is saying.

Pie, he is talking really well for his age too. And he also has a sense of humor. He has learned to fart on cue. That's right. The funny part is he likes to wait for sad moments, and does it to make people laugh. I bet Emerald is somewhere telling him to do that.

I will update tomorrow afternoon, probably with nothing new from the doctor (rolls eyes.)

Bad dreams and feeling like garbage.

I woke up this morning upset, I couldn't breathe. I had a dream, that there was some tornado warning and my mom, myself and Pie left to go somewhere safer, and in the process Pie was either taken or he got lost.

The last time I had a dream about losing someone (Emerald) it came true within 6 months. So I spent the morning upset that this might happen to me again.

I started feeling sick yesterday, and this morning in addition to the dream, I had an asthma attack, and my breathing isn't right even this second. If Emerald wouldn't have died, I probably would be taking this dream so seriously. I just don't know how to handle these things... perhaps a xanax is in order this morning.

Just breathe.

Sunday.

We just got back a bit ago. We spent the morning with my brother in law, and his wife, and my nephews. OR Shawn's nephews... however you put that. Anyway, we went out to eat, where Anya acted like a horrid kid. She THREW her spaghetti at me. I was a bit mad. We went to the library after that, the southfield library, and they had this huge children's section. I took some shots (only a few) of the kids. My kids wouldn't sit still but I caught this one of Aden, that came out really nice.

I am really itching to move out of this house. I was talking with my bil & sil today and when I said the house we were looking at was only 1000 square feet they mentioned how small that was. Well, it can be small if I have a basement. I just need someplace to store all our extra crap. I have a storage unit already and it isn't enough for us, plus it is just a huge pain to have to go to the storage unit to get stuff out. Especially when it is for my soap stuff.

They suggested that we contact a realitor to see if they can help us find a land contract to suit us. I am REALLY wishing right now that I could get an FHA loan, but because I am self employed and Shawn has horrid credit, it just won't work. Which really sucks. That would be our best solution. Oh well. Not much I can do about it as it stands. I just can't stand being crammed into this house anymore.

On another note my sister in law asked if I would take some pictures of her kids. I will. I need the practice, and if I can pull off some nice shots, then it will build my confidence, and it will put me in a postition where I can get more business from their friends and get my name into that community. Or they can hate them, and no one will ever want me to take another photo again. That would be horrible. And would kill me. Right now I feel like a fake photographer. LOL

Just keep shooting, it will work out, right??

First day of school.. again.

I started a mythology class today. I only had two panic attacks during the 2 hours we were there, and I only started tearing up 3 times. *L* I think I did pretty well. It should be an interesting class, a lot more writing than I expected to have, and when I first saw the syllabus I was thinking to myself. Crap. This is a lot of writing for something I am taking for fun. If I didn't do so well, I would be screwing with my gpa, for nothing! But as he was talking, I could see that the way I write will/should be able to fit into his style of grading questions. So it should work out ok.

At one point during the class he felt compelled to tell us that he wasn't judging anyone's faith when it came to the myths that we will be talking about. It was intersting because in my head, I can say... well, there are things that may or may not be true about any given faith. I can recognise that there may be things said in the Bible or any other piece of religious literature that may have been put there for reasons other than being solely the word of God. It could be there to help people cope with the times, to control the masses, to get people to go along with ideas, to make people comfortable in their own skins, and feel purpose. And that is fine. I don't know if I hope that there are people open minded about religion like I am, or if there are more people deeply rooted in their faith and then more debate would come up. Which I find more interesting.

Either way, the class should be interesting and I am looking forward to next week.

As far as my photography stuff. I really need to find something else to shoot today. Suppose to take pictures each day, and I missed yesterday. Just something about it being boring, taking shots of the same stuff. I crave something new. Not sure how I am going to overcome this. I just hate winter time. Too cold. Particularly today. For the last two days, it has been 50+ degrees. This morning, I woke up to snow. And while not a lot of snow. It was pretty windy this morning and I felt like I was walking through some frozen tundra! Next time I will remember my hat and mittens!

Orders...

I have been making wax tarts. They smell great, and I have had some good reviews. Today I think I am also going to try perfume. Just something to add to my line.

We found out yesterday that Shawn has been putting money into a 401K and instead of me thinking I have no money at all for a downpayment on a house, we are starting at 2K. I told him to start putting more of his pretax $ in. And if he switches it to Starbucks they match 10%. Then we will just have more that much quicker. It isn't ideal to do it this way, but I really don't see the options. It would be a far worse situation if we were to go into a land contract in a house we didn't necessarily want.

Or maybe not. I have to think about that for a while. If we move now, then still the house we would move to, would be worth something in 5 years, and we would have the downpayment to move to a traditional mortgage. If we don't, then we are just stuck here and in 5 years, this will still be worth nothing. What to do?

So my wish list for a house...

Bungalow style.
Brick.
Fireplace.
Basement.
Garage.
3 bedrooms (at least)
Would like a separate family room.

I think that's it. I am a good diy'er. And if it was mine, I would do it and like it. As it stands now, the house is ours, but it worth nothing, and it just seems like a waste to put money into something that we are going to abandon any how.

Plus, I would like to move before Anya gets into Kindergarten, into a house we plan to stay in for a long time, or at the very least a neighborhood we would want to stay in.

Off to the doctor...

Today I am heading to the doctor. Hoping I can get this stupid IUD taken out. I love it, but I hate it. It just is so gross, and I have this fear that I am going to pregnant anyway, and I would really rather it not be in there. If you ever decide to get an IUD, get the one with the hormones. Much less disgusting. I want to have another baby... but at the same time, I kind of want to wait. But realise that I am not getting younger! I am already over 35. I also need to get my back straightened out, and get some wellbutrin. Maybe some medication for my face. I feel like I am falling apart!!! At least I have insurance!

Well, the kids are out of control, and Blitzy needs to go out...

Well, I am back. Got my IUD out no biggie. Didn't hurt. He would deal with any of my other issues, unless I made another appointment. What a pain in the ass... like I can get time away from my other obligations to go to the doctor. They also said there was a polyp on my cervix, and now they want me to come in so they can check that out, and then maybe surgery. I am not happy about that, but what is the worst it could be? Cancer? I think I can deal with that. I had a great teacher.

I live amoungst the angels...

Last night I took these shots. Boy, do I still have a lot to learn. I didn't notice right away that my back light wasn't firing. So I played with it for a while and then realised that for some reason, even though it is super sensitive, it wasn't picking up the signal from the mail strobe. So I had to move the backlight to the opposite side and that meant that I had to move the main light to the equally opposite side, so I could get rid of the harsh shadows that I didn't want.

So I think I have it all figured out, and I start taking pictures. Instead of checking them like I normally do, I just kept taking shots. Then I stop put all my stuff away and upload the pictures... well... darnit. I threw off all my camera settings when I fixed the light... so I have this black line across them at the bottom. Can I tell you how annoying that is??

Then I get this letter in the mail, from Dirty Hippie soaps. Claiming that I stole her name and used it for one of my soaps. Now, honestly, what kind of stretch is it that I would come up with the name Dirty Hippie on my own... to use on a patchouli soap? That just added to my annoyance.

Earlier today, I had a new daycare child start. Great thing because I really can use the money... and one of my other kid gets picked up, and because he will be going to speech, and they can only do it in his county, they have to make other arrangements for care. Which I understand. The nice thing is that they like me and said that I was so much better than his last daycare. The bad thing is that Pie really likes this little boy.

Anyway, so my day didn't go as planned. Let's hope that we can get the rest of the week to not suck. LOL

I feel like this...

Today I woke up with a crook in my neck. It seems to radiate to my right arm, my right lower back, and my right leg. It is on the right side of my neck too. It hurts. Maybe I am getting the flu. I hope not. I have a lot to do this week.

I have been trying to take more pictures. I am including the shots I take here. We shall see if they get any better over time, eh?? My kids are strange, so they give me lots of oppertunity to get some different shots.

I also need to get organised. That should be a real challenge. We are saving for a house, it should take forever and a day to save enough. I will do it. It is something I really, really want. Hopefully by this time next year we will be out of here.

I miss Emerald. I heard something today that goes along with what I always say... that you can only control your reaction. Well, we only have control over the little things. We have control over so very little... all we can do is try to do the best with the stuff we have. I mean. I can use my brain to help me make choices, but what happens once it is out of my hands, well, that isn't in my control. To understand that really helps ease the burdon of life on me. I am not responsible for how someone reacts to me. I do what I can to be the best person and make choices that are responsible. You can't do any more than that. The whole world is a mass of people, each making a choice and each of us reacting to the choices they make. It is a wonder that we get by at all. If even a quarter of the people are making a bad choice at the time we are making a good choice, then they can impact us in a negative way. And then we have yet another choice to make, based on someone else's bad choice.

Seriously too much thinking for me.

LOL

Well, I am off to bed.

Living life...

Last night I went to my sister's house. Her fiance just turned 30. The kids all had fun. It has been a good distraction. Last year we missed it, because we were in Balimore. Today, Emerald had surgery,and they removed 95% of that stupid tumor. I can't believe that it grew back so fast. The stupid thing. Anyway. So we had fun, we ate cake, we laughed at the kids, acting silly.

Life just moves on... it is almost annoying. Someday we will all be at the end of ours too. I am kind of anxious for that day, because I want to know. I want in on the surprise. But at the same time, I would rather... just know the surprise now, it would help me really live. I guess I can live regardless... I mean... I don't have to live without knowing that I will eventually find out. We will. We all die. Given. So I try not worry about it. Life won't hold that secret from me.