I started taking down the stuff in Emerald's room. Keri and I got the shelves cleaned off. Still the bed, and the closet... that is a chore all by itself.
Just so much to go through.
I was reading these cards that a class made for me, after Emerald died. They were sympathy cards. Good thing I didn't go through them before now. Kids are so funny. I think one of them stated..."Sorry that Emerald died, what a rip off." LOL This is a second grader we are talking about. I probably would have found it funny then, but it was funny now, even though I was crying... Yep, Steven L. It is most certainly a rip off.
She certainly has a lot of stuff. 11 years of normal stuff, then add the stuff you get when you are a cancer kid, with a mom who is part of a big community. Lots and lots of stuff. I almost regret it now. It made her feel special, that is what counts, I guess... but I certainly did myself a disservice by having all that stuff come to the house. Lots of the stuff will go into Pie's room. He is taking over the Under the Sea theme. And the more girly stuff (some was from Emerald's dad's house) is going to Anya's room. And a bunch of the stuff I am saving for when Anya gets older.
While I was in there I kept crying and saying that I felt like I was betraying Emerald by taking down all the stuff. Like taking it down solidifies that she isn't coming back. So many emotions going through your head at the same time. It just isn't right.. that this happened to me... to her. I most certainly feel ripped off.
Oh well, someday, I will also be gone and none of this will matter.
2 comments:
What you are doing now must be just so hard.
I haven't even lost my child and it took me two years to look at the photos I took at Steven's birthday party, then at his surgery and in the hospital room after.
He was diagnosed 3 days after his birthday, and last year on his birthday I dug out the photos and looked at them.
Even looking at stuff from his first grade, second grade and all that is so hard for me.
I've been so busy lately I have hardly had time to do anything at all, but I've been reading your most recent posts.
I wish you well in your move. The daycare licensing stuff sucks, what can I say, but it looks like one way or another you're finding your way, another super-mom in my book (although I'm sure you don't feel that way).
More later, my thoughts and prayers are with you and if I was closer I'd give you a hug.
Ayup, definitely a rip off ... one of the biggest rip offs I've ever heard of and experienced. Emerald wanted her siblings to have her things ... she won't mind that you have to put take it all down and put some of it away. I promise.
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