Wow! It has certainly been a while.

I don't know why I am blogging today, I think it is a form of avoidance. I don't feel like doing a bunch of things that I should be doing. <--this is a picture of me and Anya, she insisted that I take it, of me and her. She is really funny sometimes. Life is so cruel sometimes. Emerald would really be enjoying Anya these days. Now that Anya can play games (something Emerald always wanted to do) and would understand how to play with Bratz dolls. She understands and values her sister and her brother. It is interesting to watch her with Pie. It is something I never got to experience with Emerald. It just wasn't in the cards to have another baby, I suppose. Anya and Pie play so cute together, sometimes they fight, but most of the time, they are best buddies. Anya does want another baby sister though. Working on that. Who knows.

I think I am going to make a bunch of tiny soaps for Caps4Sam. I think if I use a 2 inch pvc pipe, I can make them smaller. I was thinking I could even make them as party favors, with a portion going to brain tumor research or Alex's Lemonade. I don't know. But something.

I have been on Wellbutrin, and it seems to be working out well. Much better than the drug they had me on previously. It made me a zombie. I just wanted to do nothing. Not eat, not play on the computer. Nothing. Very weird for me. I did lose 18 lbs on it.. LOL Nice!

Well, that's all from me for now. I plan to write again soon.

:)

Tomorrow, off to the doctor, yet again.

JUST as I predicted, my asthma is bad, making a decent baseline impossible. I guess, this will mean I get to come back, yet AGAIN. I am kind of annoyed by the whole thing. It wasn't like I was asking for much. I didn't want meds (although, don't you think that asthma is something you might want to check on to make sure, you know, one doesn't get sicker?) All I wanted was to blow. (OK, into the little blower thingy.) I WILL be bringing it up tomorrow. He will probably make me have another appointment to discuss it.

Ok, so I am just being ridiculous now... I guess, I am just annoyed.

We will see what he says. Should be getting a physical tomorrow... so hopefully, nothing will be wrong with me. Nothing new, that I am not expecting!

Anya jumped off the couch today and gave herself a black eye. That kid is going to be the death of me. She has such a good sense of humor. I really like her personality, when she isn't driving me batty. I really like Pie's personality too. They are so very different from one another. She is intense, and funny. I, teasingly, told her there was no milk, and she went the fridge, and grabbed the gallon out and said, "You have GOT to be kidding me!" What a goof! And when we are talking about something she uses bigger words now. "Well, ACTUALLY, it isn't a dog.. it is a horse." OK. She is talking so much better. Some words are still off, but you can really get the jist of what she is saying.

Pie, he is talking really well for his age too. And he also has a sense of humor. He has learned to fart on cue. That's right. The funny part is he likes to wait for sad moments, and does it to make people laugh. I bet Emerald is somewhere telling him to do that.

I will update tomorrow afternoon, probably with nothing new from the doctor (rolls eyes.)

Bad dreams and feeling like garbage.

I woke up this morning upset, I couldn't breathe. I had a dream, that there was some tornado warning and my mom, myself and Pie left to go somewhere safer, and in the process Pie was either taken or he got lost.

The last time I had a dream about losing someone (Emerald) it came true within 6 months. So I spent the morning upset that this might happen to me again.

I started feeling sick yesterday, and this morning in addition to the dream, I had an asthma attack, and my breathing isn't right even this second. If Emerald wouldn't have died, I probably would be taking this dream so seriously. I just don't know how to handle these things... perhaps a xanax is in order this morning.

Just breathe.

Sunday.

We just got back a bit ago. We spent the morning with my brother in law, and his wife, and my nephews. OR Shawn's nephews... however you put that. Anyway, we went out to eat, where Anya acted like a horrid kid. She THREW her spaghetti at me. I was a bit mad. We went to the library after that, the southfield library, and they had this huge children's section. I took some shots (only a few) of the kids. My kids wouldn't sit still but I caught this one of Aden, that came out really nice.

I am really itching to move out of this house. I was talking with my bil & sil today and when I said the house we were looking at was only 1000 square feet they mentioned how small that was. Well, it can be small if I have a basement. I just need someplace to store all our extra crap. I have a storage unit already and it isn't enough for us, plus it is just a huge pain to have to go to the storage unit to get stuff out. Especially when it is for my soap stuff.

They suggested that we contact a realitor to see if they can help us find a land contract to suit us. I am REALLY wishing right now that I could get an FHA loan, but because I am self employed and Shawn has horrid credit, it just won't work. Which really sucks. That would be our best solution. Oh well. Not much I can do about it as it stands. I just can't stand being crammed into this house anymore.

On another note my sister in law asked if I would take some pictures of her kids. I will. I need the practice, and if I can pull off some nice shots, then it will build my confidence, and it will put me in a postition where I can get more business from their friends and get my name into that community. Or they can hate them, and no one will ever want me to take another photo again. That would be horrible. And would kill me. Right now I feel like a fake photographer. LOL

Just keep shooting, it will work out, right??

First day of school.. again.

I started a mythology class today. I only had two panic attacks during the 2 hours we were there, and I only started tearing up 3 times. *L* I think I did pretty well. It should be an interesting class, a lot more writing than I expected to have, and when I first saw the syllabus I was thinking to myself. Crap. This is a lot of writing for something I am taking for fun. If I didn't do so well, I would be screwing with my gpa, for nothing! But as he was talking, I could see that the way I write will/should be able to fit into his style of grading questions. So it should work out ok.

At one point during the class he felt compelled to tell us that he wasn't judging anyone's faith when it came to the myths that we will be talking about. It was intersting because in my head, I can say... well, there are things that may or may not be true about any given faith. I can recognise that there may be things said in the Bible or any other piece of religious literature that may have been put there for reasons other than being solely the word of God. It could be there to help people cope with the times, to control the masses, to get people to go along with ideas, to make people comfortable in their own skins, and feel purpose. And that is fine. I don't know if I hope that there are people open minded about religion like I am, or if there are more people deeply rooted in their faith and then more debate would come up. Which I find more interesting.

Either way, the class should be interesting and I am looking forward to next week.

As far as my photography stuff. I really need to find something else to shoot today. Suppose to take pictures each day, and I missed yesterday. Just something about it being boring, taking shots of the same stuff. I crave something new. Not sure how I am going to overcome this. I just hate winter time. Too cold. Particularly today. For the last two days, it has been 50+ degrees. This morning, I woke up to snow. And while not a lot of snow. It was pretty windy this morning and I felt like I was walking through some frozen tundra! Next time I will remember my hat and mittens!

Orders...

I have been making wax tarts. They smell great, and I have had some good reviews. Today I think I am also going to try perfume. Just something to add to my line.

We found out yesterday that Shawn has been putting money into a 401K and instead of me thinking I have no money at all for a downpayment on a house, we are starting at 2K. I told him to start putting more of his pretax $ in. And if he switches it to Starbucks they match 10%. Then we will just have more that much quicker. It isn't ideal to do it this way, but I really don't see the options. It would be a far worse situation if we were to go into a land contract in a house we didn't necessarily want.

Or maybe not. I have to think about that for a while. If we move now, then still the house we would move to, would be worth something in 5 years, and we would have the downpayment to move to a traditional mortgage. If we don't, then we are just stuck here and in 5 years, this will still be worth nothing. What to do?

So my wish list for a house...

Bungalow style.
Brick.
Fireplace.
Basement.
Garage.
3 bedrooms (at least)
Would like a separate family room.

I think that's it. I am a good diy'er. And if it was mine, I would do it and like it. As it stands now, the house is ours, but it worth nothing, and it just seems like a waste to put money into something that we are going to abandon any how.

Plus, I would like to move before Anya gets into Kindergarten, into a house we plan to stay in for a long time, or at the very least a neighborhood we would want to stay in.

Off to the doctor...

Today I am heading to the doctor. Hoping I can get this stupid IUD taken out. I love it, but I hate it. It just is so gross, and I have this fear that I am going to pregnant anyway, and I would really rather it not be in there. If you ever decide to get an IUD, get the one with the hormones. Much less disgusting. I want to have another baby... but at the same time, I kind of want to wait. But realise that I am not getting younger! I am already over 35. I also need to get my back straightened out, and get some wellbutrin. Maybe some medication for my face. I feel like I am falling apart!!! At least I have insurance!

Well, the kids are out of control, and Blitzy needs to go out...

Well, I am back. Got my IUD out no biggie. Didn't hurt. He would deal with any of my other issues, unless I made another appointment. What a pain in the ass... like I can get time away from my other obligations to go to the doctor. They also said there was a polyp on my cervix, and now they want me to come in so they can check that out, and then maybe surgery. I am not happy about that, but what is the worst it could be? Cancer? I think I can deal with that. I had a great teacher.

I live amoungst the angels...

Last night I took these shots. Boy, do I still have a lot to learn. I didn't notice right away that my back light wasn't firing. So I played with it for a while and then realised that for some reason, even though it is super sensitive, it wasn't picking up the signal from the mail strobe. So I had to move the backlight to the opposite side and that meant that I had to move the main light to the equally opposite side, so I could get rid of the harsh shadows that I didn't want.

So I think I have it all figured out, and I start taking pictures. Instead of checking them like I normally do, I just kept taking shots. Then I stop put all my stuff away and upload the pictures... well... darnit. I threw off all my camera settings when I fixed the light... so I have this black line across them at the bottom. Can I tell you how annoying that is??

Then I get this letter in the mail, from Dirty Hippie soaps. Claiming that I stole her name and used it for one of my soaps. Now, honestly, what kind of stretch is it that I would come up with the name Dirty Hippie on my own... to use on a patchouli soap? That just added to my annoyance.

Earlier today, I had a new daycare child start. Great thing because I really can use the money... and one of my other kid gets picked up, and because he will be going to speech, and they can only do it in his county, they have to make other arrangements for care. Which I understand. The nice thing is that they like me and said that I was so much better than his last daycare. The bad thing is that Pie really likes this little boy.

Anyway, so my day didn't go as planned. Let's hope that we can get the rest of the week to not suck. LOL

I feel like this...

Today I woke up with a crook in my neck. It seems to radiate to my right arm, my right lower back, and my right leg. It is on the right side of my neck too. It hurts. Maybe I am getting the flu. I hope not. I have a lot to do this week.

I have been trying to take more pictures. I am including the shots I take here. We shall see if they get any better over time, eh?? My kids are strange, so they give me lots of oppertunity to get some different shots.

I also need to get organised. That should be a real challenge. We are saving for a house, it should take forever and a day to save enough. I will do it. It is something I really, really want. Hopefully by this time next year we will be out of here.

I miss Emerald. I heard something today that goes along with what I always say... that you can only control your reaction. Well, we only have control over the little things. We have control over so very little... all we can do is try to do the best with the stuff we have. I mean. I can use my brain to help me make choices, but what happens once it is out of my hands, well, that isn't in my control. To understand that really helps ease the burdon of life on me. I am not responsible for how someone reacts to me. I do what I can to be the best person and make choices that are responsible. You can't do any more than that. The whole world is a mass of people, each making a choice and each of us reacting to the choices they make. It is a wonder that we get by at all. If even a quarter of the people are making a bad choice at the time we are making a good choice, then they can impact us in a negative way. And then we have yet another choice to make, based on someone else's bad choice.

Seriously too much thinking for me.

LOL

Well, I am off to bed.

Living life...

Last night I went to my sister's house. Her fiance just turned 30. The kids all had fun. It has been a good distraction. Last year we missed it, because we were in Balimore. Today, Emerald had surgery,and they removed 95% of that stupid tumor. I can't believe that it grew back so fast. The stupid thing. Anyway. So we had fun, we ate cake, we laughed at the kids, acting silly.

Life just moves on... it is almost annoying. Someday we will all be at the end of ours too. I am kind of anxious for that day, because I want to know. I want in on the surprise. But at the same time, I would rather... just know the surprise now, it would help me really live. I guess I can live regardless... I mean... I don't have to live without knowing that I will eventually find out. We will. We all die. Given. So I try not worry about it. Life won't hold that secret from me.

Starting again...

Today I started dieting yet again. I gained 10 lbs on my cruise and now I want it gone. I am shocked by how much it made my clothing tigher! I am aiming for 30. :) Good luck to me!!!

I wanted to vent about my outlaws. They got Anya a 2T jacket, on clearence. Usually that wouldn't bother me, but I can't exchange it for another at the price they paid. If you are going to buy something on clearence, make sure that you AT LEAST buy the right size. Anya wanted to wear it so bad, but instead, it is getting sold on Ebay, hopefully.

This sucks even more than the soap she bought me. I don't know what what she is thinking... actually, she probably thought a lot about it before she bought it. Why even waste your money, ya know? I would rather she donated to cancer research.

Well, off to the grocery store. I haven't been there since before Emerald died.

:)

Should be interesting.

XOXO

Why

Did you ever just want to be dead? Let this life be over, try again. Just fucking scrap it. My kids are driving me crazy... I can't get the house cleaned up. I just can't. I clean the living room, start on the kids room, and the kids trash the living room. I tell Anya that I can't get her a cookie, so she goes into the cupboard and gets herself a cookie, and Pie gets an apple, and will spit the peel all over the floor, when I think they are just watching tv, and they aren't more than 10 feet from me. The messes, the whining... couple that with missing Emerald and feeling like dog crap all the time, and it makes for a wonderful day.

I wake up in the middle of the night crying. I miss her so bad. I actually peed the bed the other day. I have no idea what that was about. I wake up and I never remember anything. I would love to wake up and know that I was touched by my angel. The only dream I remember recently, left me waking up thinking that I had just abandoned Em at her Dad's and she was going to be mad at me. I woke thinking that I just had to call her. I want to be with her. I want to be here with Anya and Ian. I want to honor Emerald's memory and do right by her. I want my other two to grow up and know that I love them. I want so much.

I want to move to a new house, but I don't want to move to somewhere that has no Emerald history. I want this year to be over, but I don't want to write a year on a check that that doesn't have Emerald in it. I want to grow old and die, and yet I want it to be two years ago, so that I can relish in my daughters sweet hugs and kisses and hold her hand again, and watch her swim in the pool. And hear her call my name.

I want a gift from the santa's workshop. A silly gift I will probably never use, but will love all the same. I want to feel loved, and worthwhile, and I want to be happy.

I hate my life and yet I am the luckiest person alive. I want to capture my thoughts into words and write them down, yet I am ashamed that I think like I do.

I want to believe but I want to know what to believe in...

I constantly evaluate myself, thinking that I suck and trying to find a way to fix it, to find that people like me anyway... they like me a lot more than I like me. Maybe I am missing something.

I miss her... she knows it.

Halloweenie.

A friend of mine mentioned that she bought her son a fish. His first pet. It reminded me of when Emerald had her first fish.

She won it at a carnival... it lasted 2 days. We went out to eat that night, and we asked her what she wanted to eat. Chicken, Hot Dogs, Fish?

And I thought she would puke in her milk. She had a horrified look on her face. It was hysterical, poor kid. I didn't even think about it.

I even remember the resteraunt we went to that day. How odd that things come right back, like you flipped a switch.

I am going to start writing all the moments I can remember down. Just to have them.

:)

Gosh, does it ever end? LOL

As you can see, I write mostly the crappy things that happen here. Some other things too, but mostly just the shit that life has to offer.

Today, for the 20th time, one of my daycare moms asked if she could borrow my car. I had one rule. Don't smoke in it. If you can't restrain yourself for 20 minutes then you have issues..

So what does she do. She smokes in it. She doesn't think I can tell. This isn't the first time, and I called her on it before. The time before this she calls me up crying because she had to walk home from work. I don't care. It isn't my problem. I pay my car payment so that my car can ornament my driveway. I put less miles on it by not driving it also.

Then I get a call from some lady telling me that I need to stop claiming these two daycare kids, that I can't claim because the state stopped paying me for them and took them off my list.

Give me a break. Got me all riled up for nothing, and it wasn't even the daycare mom... it was... someone else.

Then I made all these lotion bars, extras just for the holiday rush. And Pie thought it would be nice if he tested them all out for me... Great kid.

So it really isn't anything bad, just enough to make me excited... I guess.

I did find this cool thing... Provider Watch. I can put deliquent or no pays or if they give no notice. Very nice. They also have a collection agency you can use. If they can get the money, it is better than never getting any money. Even if I have to sacrifice 35% of the payment for their fee.

I will be making sure to check all my new parents, and reporting any that don't pay. This is a great tool! :)

Now, if only I could get healthcare! lol

Finally daycare is starting to pick up...

At the same time that I have all this stuff I need to accomplish! Figures, eh? I feel like I have so much to do, and so very little time, and trying to make sure I take time to hug and love the kids... And grieving for Emerald... it all just takes so much effort.

We are supposed to leave for a cruise on December 4th. Finally... hopefully the weather will be nice. As it is.. it is cold here. This weekend was freezing, well, Sunday was. Saturday it was hot! LOL

I am so tired of waiting for life to get better...this wasn't exactly how I thought things would be.

But here it is.

Not too much to say today. My mind is a cluttery fucking mess. In person, I could go on and on and on.

I started watching a Nip/Tuck. Something about it reminds me of my own life... LOL In a very differnet way... Any I have a crush on Julian McMahon. Yummy. ;)

K2

Just cleaning...

I decided to move stuff around in my room.

Doesn't seem like a big deal, but because Emerald died in my bed, I was hesitent to move it from the exact spot it was in, when she died. But why? Part of me thinks that if it is in the same spot, then maybe I will have more dreams of her. But I don't. It has been almost 7 months, and I can count on one hand the dreams I have had that I remember.

Besides, we need to eventually move from this house, and moving stuff around, helps me work in that direction, I guess.

The holidays are going to be so hard. Especially Halloween. I saw matching mom and daughter vampiress costumes, Emerald would have LOVED them. Tristy is going to be a vampire in honor of Emerald this year. He misses her as much as I do, I think.

We finally rebooked our cruise. We leave December 4th. I have a craft show the day before. The one Emerald made me do last year. Should be exhausting... LOL

Well, back to cleaning.

Having an awful day.

I just have to write and I feel like there is no safe place. I feel like I am going crazy.

Thinking back to before Emerald. I remember sitting in my room. It wasn't really my room at all. It was Rene's house. He let me move in because the girl I lived with, Dandy, was being a collosial bitch. He was still in love with his room mate. But he kept seeing me. We have no air, and they would have parties all the time. My friend Liz would come over and we would just hang out with her daughter, Teeny. I wished I had a daughter too. I had always wanted a child. I was ready emotionally to have one then. I was 22. The circumstances were not of the kind where I wanted to have one then, but as luck would have it I got pregnant. Rene still said he didn't consider me to be his girlfriend. The night that I told him I was pregnant, he went out with a friend of ours, and left me home. I found out later on that he slept with this girl. I knew he did, in my heart...but I tried to push it away. He and his family were going to go to Cedar Point for the day, so he invited me along. He also invited this girl. The whole day he spent with me, pregnant, and him rubbing the back of this girl.

A few weeks later, he went again, this time, just with the girl. I stayed home. It was hot that night. I was bored, I was in the bedroom, listening to CD's. The Gin Blossoms, Pearl Jam, Alice in Chains... stuff like that. This was 1993. I remember that giddy feeling of knowing that I had a BABY in my stomach. I was scared. I had just moved out of my parents house, but I was managing on my own.

Eventually, whatever he had with that girl ended. I mean, I was obviously pregnant and living in his house. It hurt.

In November, I had a test done at the doctor. It was to tell you if your kid had markers for down syndrome, or spinal bifida. Our test came back positive for Spinal Bifida. I was terrified that 1, I would miscarry with the amnio they wanted me to take, and 2 that she would have a neural tube defect.

We went for the amnio, I remember we took my car (that I stupidly traded because I wanted a smaller one.. mine worked perfectly and this one, well, it wouldn't go in reverse half the time.) We had the test at Beaumont Hospital. It was the first time I ever went to that hospital, as an adult. The amnio was scary, but everything went well. We went back home and awaited the test results.

I remember going to the doctor that day. I can't for the life of me remember the name of the doctor that gave me the results. He was nice. He must have thought I was insane though. I was by myself. Rene was totally expecting that we were going to have a boy. His mom had 4 before she had her 1 girl, 20 years or so from the first child (Rene). He said that there were no problems with the baby's spinal cord. No defect. He also said that the fetus was female. To which I replied... "Oh thank God."

Rene and I decided to name her Emerald. He gave me a list of names to choose from and I picked from that list. I wanted an old fashioned name, like Emma. So Emerald fit right in with that. For middle names I don't know why I chose that name. Of course, it went with Emerald... but I can't remember what I was thinking.

The day my water broke, I was yelling at my 9 year old niece, Cory. I felt a pop, kind of like when a water balloon breaks. Didn't hurt, but it was almost like I could hear it! It didn't keep coming out, so I went home that night and contractions started. I tried to be patient. I didn't realise that I should have gone to the hospital. I told no one that I thought my water broke. This was Thursday. Friday was my appointment at the OB, surely they would know when they did the internal, that my water had broken.

Oddly, they even did an ultrasound. And they didn't notice. I started having doubts that it had indeed broken, because, I thought they could tell from how it looked... LOL

Saturday, I went to work, babysitting for my neice. I had contractions the whole time. Rene and I stopped on the way home, and I got a bean burrito, and he picked up some pants he had altered at this store... (the buckle).

Then we went home. I watched Officer and a Gentleman. I finished my shower thank you notes, I had a heating pad... and took a nap. A while later, we called the hospital, because I said I couldn't feel the baby moving. It was blizzarding out. Luckily, we only lived 2 blocks from the hospital.

I remember the childbirth classes leading up to this day. I couldn't wait to see her. I read everything I could. I can still feel it like it was yesterday. Oh the excitement. What a good feeling.

They let me labor for a while. We watched Mickey and the Beanstalk. My labor wasn't progressing. My sister showed up, she was drinking... with my friend Liz. Also, my parents came. My mom was very excited because this was her very first biological grandchild.

My labor continued to do nothing. I just wasn't dialating. They thought maybe things would move along better if they broke my water. (!) I still didn't say anything. They did, and nothing happened. No water came out... I wasn't surprised!

Shortly there after they said that I needed a c-section. So they gave me a spinal, and I was so thankful that my contractions stopped immediately. I felt nothing.

I remember when I first saw her. I couldn't hold her like I had planned. I couldn't even feel her fingers in mine. It felt like pin pricks. (Which is odd.. .because that is how Emerald said my hands felt after her surgery.)

It took me a few hours to hold her. I just didn't feel "ready".

Once, I held her, I never wanted to put her down. I talked to her constantly. She was my friend. From the moment I held her I knew that I didn't need anyone else. I felt complete with her in my arms, in my life. I never knew that you could love anyone as intensly as I loved her.

We did everything together. I took her absolutely everywhere. Much to Rene's dismay sometimes. He wanted to do grown up things, and I would cry if I was away. Heck, she would cry if she was away, so it worked out.

Anyway, that is all for now. I need to go to bed.

Not even funny.

I am watching you too! If you use Charter Communications and your ISP is 66.188.197.76 and you live in Rochester MN.

This post is removed until the person who has accessed it several times from Minnesota let's me know why they are so interested.

Thanks.

My head hurts.

I feel like a big whiny baby lately.

My head hurts, my lungs ache... my mind is reeling... I am tired but I can't sleep.

I have so much to do, yet I don't have the energy to do any of it.

My kids are wrecking the house, but I only stop them when it gets out of control, then I don't have the energy to fix the mess.

With what I am spending on our vacation and other things, I could have paid for a trip to Rome, and a 2 week cruise there. Hindsight... 20/20... it isn't a joke.

I don't even have the energy to say much. It is August and it felt like October last night.

I just want to run away.

I think that if I start living right, then God will give Em back to me. But I don't believe in God... so it won't actually happen. I guess I am using that as an excuse to keep punishing myself for the fact that she died. It is funny how your mind works. I wish I believed in God. If God is all "they" say he is... then he would understand and be there for my anger. I guess I could decide to say I believe in God... so I can at least get my anger out appropriately. I feel like it won't do any good though.

I feel like we are all part of the whole. Emerald still lives somehow, just not in the same way. But when I think of life, before this life. I rememeber nothing. So is that what it is like? When we die, do we move to another chapter, but we have no idea of the chapter before?

If we move to "heaven"... then shouldn't say that there was something before this life? Why do people think that it is so simplistic?? I mean how could it be? If we look at creationists who think that the world is too complex to have evolved from monkeys than, why would they think that our world being SO COMPLEX would have such simplistic answers for life and death? It just doesn't make any sense to me.

I am certianly not a sheeple, although, sometimes I think it would be easier if I were.

My head hurts so bad that I feel like it will explode any freaking second.

I need to go.

Thank Goodness...

Since Friday, I have been so freaking weepy and crying and feel out of control. I couldn't tell you what it was. I know when Shawn said a building looked like the Epcot Center, I started crying and thought he was very insensitive. And today... I think this would have happened regardless, we were at a birthday party and the song from Emerald's slideshow came on, and I wasn't expecting it. I had this feeling of running away, and I was suddenly very distressed and I didn't know why. I have never felt so out of control.

Well, turns out it is some good ol' PMS. Not that I wouldn't or shouldn't be upset. I mean, I am missing Emerald like freaking crazy. But I usually have a bit more self control than this.

Anyway.

At least I know what the problem was. Knowing is half the battle!!!