Well, today, I am going...

To orientation.. Doing the happy dance. Now I just have to worry about the review. I am super anxious about this all. I am trying to focus on the good things that I have going. And trying to talk myself out of thinking that I suck and deserve only shitty things.

It isn't easy. So much has gone wrong since Emerald got sick. Maybe it all started with getting pregnant unexpectedly with Pie. 9 month after I found that out, Emerald got sick, and things just haven been one thing after another since then. It is very frustrating.

I am just doing what I can, and surrendering what I can't to the universe. Because it isn't worth worrying about. At the same time, trying NOT to worry takes a lot of effort. LOL Shawn has somehow got it mastered... He worrys about nothing it appears.

Speaking of Shawn, after 3 months of not smoking, I caught him smoking this week. Now he is taking wellbutrin AND smoking. Nice. And he tried to lie about it. Like my non smoker nose can't smell the obvious. Whatever.

I don't want our kids to even know he does it, so if he is hiding it, it is probably for the best. I also read that if you act like smoking is a normal part of life, kids are more likely to smoke as they get older, because they take it as being part of life, and it becomes OK. If you don't, they get the message that there is something not right and are less likely to smoke. At least for that reason. There is still peer pressure to worry about, ya know? But at least it won't be part of our daily life.

We have daycare going from 4 AM to midnight right now, so he can't smoke on the property at all while that happens... so hiding it should be pretty easy. I just wish he would quit for good. At least when he hugs me, I don't have to hold my breath, when he is smoking, I just can't stand the smell. It used to be tolerable because we would go out to the bar and stuff, but I couldn't smell it on him, especially after myself being immersed in it for hours at a time. Now, it just isn't the same.

:P

Not having a very good day.

Please just hope that they transfer my registration. I found out that I can get into a class (actually, I could have gotten into one last week.) that will cover the orientation stuff, the next one is tomorrow. Unless the lady calls me in the morning, I won't get into that one, but the next one is July 19th. That is much better than waiting 3-6 months. I don't know why that lady told me that. I am glad I called again to find out.

They said that my registration will be "reviewed". That doesn't sound good. Just hope that nothing happens and they transfer it.

Sigh.

And I found out that my sister in law thinks that my mil doesn't like her youngest either. I am so glad she said that, because I thought I was just going crazy. She said she pretty much ignores the little one, and gives all the attention to the older one. Same thing happens here with Pie. I have been saying for a long time that I think she doesn't like him. Good to know that I wasn't imagining it!

In addition to all this, I just think I need a nap. The foster care worker is coming tomorrow to talk with us about Janai. Should be interesting... I just feel so much pressure to be everything to everyone. Sometimes, I wonder who I really am.

I really hate doing daycare stuff sometimes...

My friend was bringing her child to my house for daycare. She was begging her mom the whole time to just stay with her. So after a week and a half... (and this kid was fine when she was here... I mean, playing, laughing, eating... being normal) the mom gives in and lets her go to work with her. So now, she is going to spend the whole day around no kids.

She never even bothered to call and let me know what was going on. So I now can't count on that money of course. This just pisses me off. Plus she still owes me for last week. I am beyond annoyed.

Emerald was the same kind of kid. She would just stay with me and not go with friends... at least when she was younger. Once she started being able to stay the night at her friends she did that. So I understand how that goes with kids. But she could have called me and let me know. Or mentioned it when she called last Thursday and said she would be by to pay me on Friday.

Sigh.

I need to write a business plan for my photography. Maybe I can make a go at that and give this up entirely....

LOL

Photo session yesterday...

With my sister in laws family. Officially my first paid photo session. :) It was a lot of fun. And I got another appointment out of it.

I was so scared that the photos were going to be crap. But they came out good. I am looking forward to the day that I get a proper wide angle, the good L series lens I need and a decent flash. I learn something every time I go.

:D

I am certainly tired these days though. I don't know what my problem is. Probably just the stress of living in two places and my whole daycare saga... LOL It wears on you to have to worry all the time.

Ha!

My check came! Finally something went right!!

OK, need an upswing...

I need to get off my ass and start doing something pro-active.

Not that I am lazy, but right now, what I am currently doing, isn't working.

I almost killed my dog last night because I was stupid and put something on top of my washer, in his "area". It fell off and hit (luckily) only his paw, but it broke his toe. That stupid error wasn't just bad for him, but cost us money we didn't have to fix it... and it isn't even fixed.

I feel like screaming.

I am getting depressed and when that happens, I want to do nothing. I have orders that have to go out. I need them out in less than a week. I am trying, but it is hard. I would rather do nothing.

I am better than I was though. I will keep on trying.

I have no idea what to do about the other things. I can't really advertise for more kids until I move, because... well, I am moving and I don't want people to feel sucked into this house, when I won't be staying here.

I need a break.

Some lady called about 5 kids the other day. I can't do five kids. Even though 5 kids would more than pay the bills.

Sigh.

My mind is working over time. I feel like I can't relax until the crisis is over, and lately it is never ending.

:(

OMGosh... I am an idiot.

I decided to forward my mail to the new address. Well, to be fair, I did it before I thought that the state was going to take 3 months to get me into orientation. So my mail has been going to my new address. Well, today I realise that the state check I get... will be returned to sender. It doesn't get forwarded.

So I called. They said it will be 10 days before they will even investigate, and 8-10 working days to reissue the check.

So for the next 3 weeks, we have no money... I can't believe that I did this. I am practically in tears.

Searching the family database for someone to lend us the 1100 for 3 weeks.

Grr...

Rough afternoon.

I started taking down the stuff in Emerald's room. Keri and I got the shelves cleaned off. Still the bed, and the closet... that is a chore all by itself.

Just so much to go through.

I was reading these cards that a class made for me, after Emerald died. They were sympathy cards. Good thing I didn't go through them before now. Kids are so funny. I think one of them stated..."Sorry that Emerald died, what a rip off." LOL This is a second grader we are talking about. I probably would have found it funny then, but it was funny now, even though I was crying... Yep, Steven L. It is most certainly a rip off.

She certainly has a lot of stuff. 11 years of normal stuff, then add the stuff you get when you are a cancer kid, with a mom who is part of a big community. Lots and lots of stuff. I almost regret it now. It made her feel special, that is what counts, I guess... but I certainly did myself a disservice by having all that stuff come to the house. Lots of the stuff will go into Pie's room. He is taking over the Under the Sea theme. And the more girly stuff (some was from Emerald's dad's house) is going to Anya's room. And a bunch of the stuff I am saving for when Anya gets older.

While I was in there I kept crying and saying that I felt like I was betraying Emerald by taking down all the stuff. Like taking it down solidifies that she isn't coming back. So many emotions going through your head at the same time. It just isn't right.. that this happened to me... to her. I most certainly feel ripped off.

Oh well, someday, I will also be gone and none of this will matter.

Well, it figures something would go wrong.

I found out that because of licensing of daycare homes has changed, I have to turn in my paperwork.. which is done, and wait for licensing to send me a date for an orientation. Soo.. how long could that possibly take, right? Try 3 months, maybe 6 if I want to be on the safe side.

So they recommend, that I stop doing daycare here and move there and shut down my daycare for 6 months. Yeah, right.

As it is, I can have both houses, but I will have barely any money left over.

I sent them a letter asking for an early orientation, or maybe a cancelled spot, I can do last minute! Hope that it works out right. Paying 2300 a month for 2 homes is not my idea of fun.

Luckily, I got two more daycare kids coming... at least I can pull it off if I have to.

I swear if it isn't one thing, it is another.

Well, off to make soap, I have a lot to do...

Well, a new daycare child is starting on Monday.

My friend Kay's daughter is here for the summer. So I have her from about 5 pm until 2 AM every day M-Saturday. Which is cool. It will ease the pressure that Shawn created with the loan situation.

A couple permanent kids would be good, but this will help tie us over until we can work that out. Hopefully soon. Seeing as Shawn is home much of the day, my kids don't really count, so I have the space to have two more during the day, and two more in the evening, if I want to burn myself out really fast... just kidding... kind of.

The carpet over there is so gross though. I need to steam clean it. I will do it today.. because it is so nasty... I don't want to move our stuff into that, eventually we will replace it with wood flooring, but we don't need to do that right away. We will probably make that a winter project. We also want to put up a fence, which needs to be done right away, and hopefully, by this fall, I can get up a deck outside... right now there is just some concrete blocks leading to the grass from the doorwall. :\ I can't imagine living somewhere that long and not having it fixed up.

Shawn wants to rip out the bathtub in our bathroom and put in a nice big shower instead. I have to agree. And the wall paper has to all come down.. it is hideous. But that isn't hard, and painting is just a pain... not difficult.

Sigh. Talking about doing the stuff is easier than doing it. I wish we had lots of extra money and we could pay someone else to do this stuff... LOL But we don't. So we will do it ourselves. Should be fun... not.

Argh, Shawn pisses me off, yet again.

I added a nice flower picture to distract from the swear words. :blushing:
We bought this house. It was ultimately left up to me, because Shawn doesn't work out our bills.

I made decisions based on misinformation that the doofus (AKA Shawn) gave me.

He needed to quit his one job so he could empty his 401 K. That way, we didn't have to pay it back. The would reinstate him later, the following week. So he says, ok, I am going to borrow money from my mom and I will tell her that we will pay her back when the dispersement comes.

Two minutes later, he comes back and says, well my mom is going to lend us half the money, and I am going to take a loan out of my 401k to get the other half. Great, so now we have two more bills.

Why doesn't he ever do what we decide. He didn't want to give up that 401K... he would rather put us in a spot, so that for the next 6 months, things are so tight we can barely breathe.

I really feel like killing him right now.

To make things worse, he stopped working his day job, and started doing it at home instead. He told me before hand, that it was going to cost us a "slight" pay cut. Well, the pay cut was anything but slight. It was $200 a week. When you only make $400 a week, that is a problem. To help defray those costs, he says that he will start working more hours at his night job... I mean he is only gone 20 hours now at his night job, and working from home, takes him about 45 minutes a day total to do.

So he tells me, he increased his hours, and now he is going to be working 28 hours instead of 20.

I must be stupid.

So he tells him mom that we can't pay back the loan that he took out from her without my agreement, as fast as she would like because... well... we got the new mini van... (that increased our bills by $100 a month) and didn't mention that he took a $800 a month pay cut so he could sleep in until noon every day.

He needs to be hit with a fucking clue bat.

I leave him so little responsiblity and he can't even get it right.

I am so mad.

I will get over it.

Pray for another daycare kid... that would solve the problem...

Muggy day.

There isn't any sun today, but the air just feels damp. I don't like days like today. I guess it is supposed to rain later on.

I saw a pringles commercial and it had me longing for Emerald. She would want me to buy pringles, just because she had a "pringles holder" it was purple. She would want to take her lunch every day, instead of getting hot lunch. The hot lunch was free. But she always wanted to bring hers. Sometimes she did. In her Sailor Moon lunch box, that she got from Hot Topic. She was a funny kid. Funny how something like pringles can get me started with tears. I miss her so much.

I wonder how much would have changed this year. She would be getting close to being a 7th grader. It is just upsetting if you think about it too hard. I don't like how the age gap is closing in between Emerald and her siblings. I want her to stay the same age older. I want her to grow older. If I could have anything in the world, it would be to watch Emerald and her siblings grow into adults and share holidays and birthdays and children and sadness with each other. I can see it in my mind. The way Emerald would be as an adult. The way the other two would be. I can even see my visions of their kids. It is almost so real to me.

Maybe when I die, I will be in that same spot. I will be in my spot in life where I can observe just that happening with them. I want to see them all, happy... together.

Gosh, I miss her.

Well, got some stuff done.

My newest daycare mom has a friend that is a plumber so he is going to inspect my water heater for free! Thank goodness, because I couldn't find anyone to do it. The furnace guy is coming on Friday, and Shawn has to go for his TB reading on Wednesday.

That leaves my CPR training. Which will be easy because the lady works out of her home, she did it last year in a days notice.

And my yearly training... Which will be done in the next two Saturdays, but I have to get my certificate to turn into my worker and I won't get that until the 17th.

Then... I can send in all the stuff. Then we can finish moving our stuff in.

I am just so tired the last couple days. My eyes are watering just sitting here. I feel like I need an extra nap, but if I nap then I can't sleep at night. I also got a bunch of soap orders, no big deal, I will get them out, but I wasn't expecting most of them. It is like they come in waves. Suddenly I have a ton.

Oh and I got another appointment to do pictures for my sil's family. They asked how much I wanted to get paid this time. Nice, huh? Still nervous about it. The 23rd of June, I think it is. I can't believe they are all so excited about it. I mean, it is *just* me taking the photos.

Janai's mom said she is going to give me some money on Friday, which would be nice. I mean, I have had her for months now, and they basically have all their work money to do whatever they want. While I use my own money to take care of the baby. Not a big deal, because she doesn't really cost all that much. Clothes are free, and Formula comes from WIC, and just a few jars of food, but she is really perfering regular food. Although, I get reimbursed for her food anyway, through the food program I do. (Amy if you are reading this, did you ever get on the food program??) They reimburse for 2 meals and one snack. The mom brought her a bunch of summer things yesterday too. Which is nice. And the stuff she brought was cute!

I really want to do something fun today with the kids, but because Anya isn't out of school yet (today is the last day) and Alyse the other daycare kid isn't out until the end of the month, we just get to sit here and wait. Kind of stinks, but what can you do?

I have 12-22 gallon bins sitting in my dining room. I can't wait to move them to the other house. Where they will be neatly hidden in the storage room, in the basement. I am getting kind of excited. :)

I am so anxious.

Just all the stuff that I have to get together for moving, the packing, the physical part of it, it all sucks. LOL

Any change is hard, even good change. I think for us, it is going to be just that much harder because of all the Emerald stuff. But the added space at the new house is going to be fabulose. I mean, it is by no means a huge house, and it isn't a nice pretty house like my friend Samantha's house, or my sil's house. It is just a plain old ranch style house. But it will be OURS. That is the good part. I will be able to fit my stuff in there, and the kids will have enough space to run around. That part is nice. I am kind of excited.

But the daycare stuff won't be fun. I have to get my CPR recertified (every year in Mi for daycare providers) And I was fingerprinted the other day... that is new here. Now I have to have my new furnance inspected, the hot water heater, and then... Shawn needs a TB test, and a FBI clearance. Oh and I need a carbon monoxide detector... I bought one though online, so it is coming... and we are going to need to put up a fence in the back, but we can do that after we move in. I am sure there is stuff I am forgetting.

Anyway, this is just another boring post.. LOL

Things are OK, I am tired, but that isn't unusual for me. Kids are good. I have pictures, that I will post them in Emerald's blog later today, I think...

We are moving!

We ended up getting the house. Going to be rough, but we will get through it... or I will. I am very excited. This is more than twice the space we have now.

I have to get my daycare license moved over there... that will be a huge pain the the arse, but it is do-able.

I took pictures today...

Of my nephews. My sister in law has been asking me to take photographs of the boys and I have been putting her off. I was just so nervous that they would all be screwy and disappointing.

After talking with her today, she said, "Wow, you are a perfectionist, I had no idea!" Yeah, I am. It sucks. It is like this horrible crippling thing. I mean, I never even sold soap until Emerald got me into it, by showing and telling it at her school, and then suddenly, I was selling soap. She helped me at my first craft show, she encouraged me to do more, she got mad when she was sick and I wasn't going to do one... so I did one that year. And this year, I did one, in her honor.

It is so hard when I relied on her to help me. Not just physically. She was also my biggest cheerleader. I remember the day I had her and how I knew I needed no one else, besides her and me to get through this life. I just *knew* it, the second that I saw her. I left the hospital a changed woman.

Now when I try something new, I spend a lot of time avoiding before I actually put myself out there. Well, so I told my sister in law to make me make a date, and I will follow through. Without the date, I won't do anything.. LOL



I feel like I accomplished something today.

I got a new mini van yesterday. Not new, but new to me. :D I am pretty happy about it. We needed one now, for a very long time.

I hope you all have a good weekend.

Kathleen, I love your posts.

and Chuck, thanks for visiting!!

And another...

Well, this one wasn't focused on me, but I can identify with people saying such things.

maybe something bad happened so you could learn from it and help someone else, amounting to something good, even if it wasn't good for only you. maybe it would have been much worse, you don't know, maybe that WAS the good. who is to say it is good or bad or why and did god or satan do this? maybe you did it yourself?

Emerald died so someone else could learn a lesson? Seems kind of strange to me. Any god that would sacrifice my child, who didn't want to go, for the greater good, just isn't a god I want to worship. I really find some of these things just too simplistic. Perhaps they work in regards to little things in life, something you wouldn't dwell on trying to understand and these words give a "quick fix." But for me, they don't work at all. It isn't comforting to me to know that perhaps "God" took my child to help someone else learn a lesson. In fact, the idea draws fear in me.

Then there is..

the argument of the riddle of Epicurus:
Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent.
Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent.
Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil?
Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?

This makes a lot of sense to me. A lot more sense than thinking that God is a going to strike my child down to help someone else learn to do what they should.

Personally, I think that the power lies within us. If "god" is in everything, then essentially we ARE god. If god created both good and evil, if god created satan (if you believe in that) then we are ALL god.

Sigh. (I do this a lot)

Still thinking...

Wow, this was a crappy month, LOL

I miscarried, the house deal fell through, and it was my birthday (which sucked like usual) and mother's day, which had its moments, but Em died, so... yeah... of course it sucked.

Sigh.

At least now, we are on the look out for houses. The problem is that the guy we were getting the house from bought it in February for 176K. He wanted to sell it to us for 199K. I would have still went for it, but now after looking at other houses on the repo list, we may be able to find something much, much lower, in a nice neighborhood, nicer house. That would be good. So all isn't lost.

I am just so frustrated.

Kathleen. I love that story. I can see why one would make you think of the other. Yes, still watching the baby. Her mom can't seem to get it together. My power of attorney is almost out, so I will need to get it renewed I think, she just isn't ready to take her child back. Drugs are a horrible thing.

Well, more news today, I got the guy to go to 195K, he said after he put work into it, he is into it for 182K. I am not sure what to do at this point. For us, in the situation we are in. Manufactured trap er... I mean home... with 10% interest and never going to be owing less than it is worth, and not enough space, it seems like a better deal right from the start. And the guy is willing to work with our crappy credit, and we could probably mortgage in less than a year.

Sigh.

It is just so frustrating.

Oh and now, I look out the window and I see hail. Looks like snow mixed with rain... LOL

Better go.

:)

I use this blog...

To sort it all out. So if I sound whiney or I go long periods in between, then.. so be it.

Anyway, the guestbook entry in Emerald's journal today said that God knows what I am feeling because he watched his son suffer and die.

Now. Come On. This is GOD we are talking about. Sure, if what Christians say is true then yes, perhaps he did watch his son die. But God had the power to stop that from happening and he didn't. At least according to many Christians I know. So God doesn't understand how I feel. I had NO POWER in keeping my child alive. I would have given up practically every other thing in my life to make that happen, and she still died. I guess, the thing is, that a lot of people think that their way of thinking will make everyone feel better.

Because I am not a Christian, I don't look at things like that. No way can I say for sure what I do believe, but I can tell you that most of the mindless ramblings of many of the Christians that have emailed me, (And to be fair, there are many of you who do not do this to me.) have been less than helpful. If God understands where I am, then he also understands why I am more pissed than shit, about what happened.

We are on our way to buying a house (I think.) What a collosial pain in the ass it has been. LOL But if it all works out, we will be doing great. If not, well, then we wait. Finding something we can afford, in the area we need to be in so I don't have to shut down my daycare, and with the space we need to get by on for the next 5 years or so is hard. This place suits all our needs. Just cross your fingers that we can get some magic to get it to work out.

AND as happy as I am to move, I am also worried about moving Emerald's stuff. About closing this chapter in my life, the life with her here in this house. But I know I can't live like this forever.

Nothing is easy is it??

Think before you speak.

I got this message today.

Kimberly, I love the name Eliza. I was in church one day and the pastor was talking about when parents lose their children, he was saying that God knows what he's doing, because if he let them get to an age of accountability, they may not decide to choose him, and since he's God he happens to know everything we do before we do it. If he took them home before they ever had the chance to make that mistake, it's just his way of saving them. In eternity all that will matter is weather or not we are with God. I hope that came out right.

No, it didn't, or maybe it did. I am not sure what the hell the point of this was. But it is highly offensive. Especially knowing Emerald. And what would this say for God. God saved Emerald from who? From me? What about free will? Does that enter into the picture anywhere?? I was so upset, I wanted to scream. I did email her back and she hasn't said anything yet.

I wonder if she will.

Then, after I get this, the water company comes to my door, and tells me they didn't get my payment. They aren't even far away. I sent them payment. On top of the $10 extra for the late fee, now I have to pay the $20 collection fee, and $30 overdraft fee when payment #2 hits my account. And my bill was only $24.00. If I would have made the payment by internet, it would cost me $8.00. Why? Because it is less work for them to take internet payments? My phone company offers a $1.00 discount on my bill if I pay them online. But to make a payment to the water company, I have to pay extra.

Let's hope the rest of my day, goes a bit more smoothly! Because I am totally on edge and annoyed today.