I had my baby...

Eliza Imogene was born on May 14th. (8lbs 8oz, and 20 inches long) She is a great little baby, and I am trying to take time to enjoy her.

Lots of things have been going on... I am just too tired to post about. I am feeling a bit of the baby blues I think... either that or of the cold hard reality which is my life... hard to really tell at this point.

Here is my birth story... I copied and pasted it... LOL

On Mother's Day, I was having contractions and thought for sure that I would go into labor. I took the kids for a 2 mile walk... and by the evening, wasn't feeling much of anything any more. So I went to bed.

At 2:30 AM, I woke up and looked at the clock, and thought, I have to go to the bathroom. I hoisted myself out of the bed, and went. Got back into bed, and fell asleep... for a few minutes, I was so tired that it took me about 4 tries before I even considered that I was having contractions, not having to go to the bathroom! Around 3:15, I went to the bathroom again, and thought my water broke, I got up and walked around, and felt a slight gush.. .yep it has broken, and boy was there a lot of fluid. And why have I blocked out all that mucous? This is baby number 4 and I just don't remember!!! Contractions were 3-4 minutes apart.

So I called my doctor, K. She said she was on her way.


My dh set up the birth tub, K got there, and she checked me. I had no idea how dilated I was the whole time. After a while I got into the tub. The water felt so nice, but it spaced out my contractions. I wasn't really *that* disappointed by that. My mom, sisters and friend came about 7 AM. There was a lot of people at my house, but I wouldn't have it any other way. They all really worked to make this a good thing for me. I know I mentioned in my initial post here, that my dd, Emerald died 2 years ago, and I really needed the support. Particularly since I had my son by section, and then while I was still recovering from that, my dd got sick. I feel like the birth, his babyhood, and her sickness, then death, all were part of the same experience. I feel kind of ripped off.

Around 11:30, I could feel that my contractions were different. They were in my hips and felt like they were going to my knees, but only on the outside of my body. I would try to relax and focus on getting the pain down and out, and it was rough, those contractions hurt a lot more than the contractions I have had in previous labors.

Around 1:30pm, I got out of the tub to go to the bathroom, and while I was in there, I felt like labor intensified. Dr. K checked me, and she said I was close. I ended up on the bed at this point. I could have gotten back into the tub, but I felt like if they hurt more and for longer, it would be over sooner, and I was so tired, and wanting it to be over.

When she checked again, I still had a lip, so we were trying different things to help get rid of that. Finally she was telling me I could push, but I felt really no urge to push. I was screaming, my support people were all helping me to push, and my 5 year old states, that "it sounds like she is having 5 babies!"

It just hurt so bad. For a minute I thought about going to the hospital, but the contractions were coming so fast, and I hurt so badly, that I decided in my head that it didn't matter. They couldn't do anything for me at that point, and even if they could, if I would just focus and push her out, then it would be over sooner, so I started really working to push her out. I could feel her moving down. I would scream and push, and push, and then yell, and I could feel her almost out, and then I would run out of steam. And less than a minute later, I would have to start all over again. Finally, her head popped out. Someone took my hand so I could feel her squishy head. I screamed even louder, and started yelling for them to get her out of me. Just pull her out... LOL, finally I could push again, and they did, and stuck her on me. I was just so relieved to have it be done. She started nursing almost immediately. Turns out she had her hand by her face, and the cord around her neck, AND there was a true knot in her cord! I have it in the freezer... LOL M y midwife said that I do truly have a smaller pelvis, and that it is harder for me than an average sized pelvis, but as she pointed out, I still did it!

I still don't understand how people can just breathe and have a quiet peaceful birth. LOL I felt so crazy and out of control.

Now that it is over, I think of how glad I am that I did it this way. Yes, it hurt. I didn't rip or tear or anything. If I would have went to the hospital for a section, I would just be getting home today. Instead, I got to share this with important people in my life. I didn't disrupt my kids lives. Eliza is alert, and strong and beautiful. I forgot to add in here, that while I was having contractions, they would end and I would get the hiccups. Every time. Unless it was going to be a double peaking contraction, then another would start instead... I hated those!

Plans change... LOL

OK, well, I had intended on going to school this last term (it just started) but at the last minute decided that I should really just let the last few weeks of this pregnancy be on its own.

So about 3 weeks ago, I went to the doctor. Where the *wonderful* doctor, who I hadn't met before informed me that despite talking with the other doctors in the practice, that I could not have a trial of labor. Therefore I was to immediately schedule a section. Now I was 32 weeks pregnant... and I naturally have a pretty quick temper. But I remained calm. I did ask her to explain why we weren't discussing section risks, and how my risks go up each section, and she said, "absolutely". She said she wouldn't argue with me on this subject, and that I really needed to find a new doctor if I refused to schedule a section. Fine. I went home, and started making calls, I went online and I tried to find someone to take me. I had thought about using a midwife early in my pregnancy, but the birth center was a bit far for me, and I would be there not even as long as the hospital... so I figured I might as well just go ahead and decide to have the baby at home. I kind of eased Shawn into the idea. He had initially thought I should just have surgery. He said that doctors went to medical school all that time, and that was what they were for, to make these decisions. I got very upset by his attitude. What is interesting is that I went through Emerald's cancer treatment dealing with doctors (aside from the ortho we had here in MI) that treated us as part of the team. It was a very different attitude than what you deal with when you deal with OB's. Honestly, it seems that delivering babies seems like I would have more of a clue what was going on, rather than less, when it came to cancer... but whatever. I know a lot about having babies, and I know a lot about brain tumors.

Regardless, after some convincing I got him to realise that this baby was going to come out my vagina regardless of what he thought. So he relented. I told him to look up the risks. He didn't. (Seems odd, you should have heard some of our discussions on circumcision... I am just glad this one is a girl!) This doctors office that just kicked me out was the place we were going to go with, or so I thought.

I kept joking about home birth... or unassisted birth. I didn't want to go unassisted. I didn't want to go to the hospital at the last minute and have to fight while in labor, to labor and push out my baby. I either wanted doctors on board, or a midwife.

So I started interviewing... I found 3 that I really liked. Three that I would totally go with. I ended up choosing the one I have not because I trusted her more than the others, but because Shawn felt most comfortable with her... she is a doctor, who does homebirths. He felt his family would be more accepting too. So be it. She is a nice lady. Shawn isn't too fond of the fact that all the choices were anti vax and into holistic medicine type things... he feels they are so anti-doctor... LOL

So here we are planning to have a home birth. It wasn't where we started, and I never thought I would end up in this choice, but honestly... if Emerald could have a "home death", we could do this home birth thing too.

I will keep you all posted. Anya is very excited about the whole thing. I must admit, I am too. I am much more relaxed than I was when I first got pregnant. I don't have to fight for my beliefs, I have a doctor that isn't freaking out thanks to malpractice issues, and best of all... I will be home.

Getting by.

First, I wanted to say, Kathy, our new phone number is on Emerald's site. Call anytime, I really like talking with you.

Now, I wanted to update, I haven't in a while.

The last couple months have been hellish. I mean really crappy. School is going ok, but the rest of it just sucks. Like I am being sucked down the big toilet bowl of life.

Every now and again, I will say aloud, that I need something... and oddly, if I really need it, it actually happens. So while my life is suckalicious, we have just enough to get by, barely. I had plenty of resources and then with all the strange things that have happened... just relentlessly, I have really used all those up. Another crises could be detrimental. Seriously.

I went to toys for tots for the kids. Last time that I did this, they gave us a lot of stuff. More than they could use, so I put some of it up and gave it to them for their birthdays and whatever. This year, the guy said that donations are really down, so when we got the toys, there were half the stuff, for 3 kids. I was happy and appreciative that we got anything at all, but at the same time, I felt so defeated.

I ended up taking some things back (I had bought the kids each one toy previously) and traded them for more things. With doing that, I still don't have a lot, but at least they have somethings.

I was getting a bit worried about other things like food... I should mention right now, that I had taken a new daycare kid in October, and this kid is great, and the mom is a sweetheart... and the state welfare office, lost her paperwork... so as it stands she owes me for 8 weeks of care, and makes $8/hour. So along with food program issues I had from moving, (out $1400) and Shawn and his brilliant plan to work from home, we are struggling in a bad way. I had some soap orders, but my site was down due to my own fault and I missed the day after christmas orders I would have gotten... anyhow.

I called the food pantry, because I literally had nothing but the food WIC gives me eggs, milk, cheese, cereal, and beans... and very little of anything else... I was really happy when they gave us 4 boxes of food. Should tie us over until things look up. Hopefully by the end of next month.

One of the other daycare moms came to pay me today and gave me extra money... and some toys to wrap and give the kids...`she said that she lost the reciepts and couldn't take them back, but I don't think that is true. :) I found I was only $200 away from having my checking account back to zero... it has been behind... and said aloud, that we need a miracle to get it to zero anytime soon. So the daycare mom that owes me for 8 weeks walks in and says that she got a bonus check from her boss, and she is giving it to me tomorrow... $200! I just about fell over.

The guy we bought the house from gave us a $25 gift card, and my friend online sent me a $50 gift card to Meijer. So I think just like I told Es 3 years ago, there is a Santa Claus, it just doesn't work like we think it does.

I am very fortunate... I have a healthy baby girl growing in my belly... two wonderful little kids, and my own angel watching over me to keep me from getting too far in over my head... I can't wait to get my nursing degree... I can't wait to give back all the good things that I have gotten the last few years...

Have a happy solstice, merry christmas, and if you celebrated hannukah, happy hannukah!

Deep crying... missing my kid.

I feel so guilty for hating life so much this last two years. I miss her so much. I feel like it is a dirty horrible secret that I just want her back, at almost any cost. To put my arms around her again. To hear her sweet little voice and see her smile, and watch her laugh.

I just miss her so much.

Lots going on.

Moving is a lot of work. And I find that I am a much better mom if I am not online as much, so I haven't been.

Soap orders are seriously lagging. I should have them all caught up this week. Nothing new to share really, just the same ole crap.

Just letting everyone know that I am still alive!

Foster parent class.

We had our first foster care class today, and it was good. I think it was really good for Shawn. All these men that were there, were really caring and nurturing, and Shawn got involved with them in discussions. I think that his dad was an alcohalic meant that he didn't get that kind of parenting growing up. Not to mention that I have told him that with the daycare kids, he has to be their role model too. Lots of those kids don't see a dad. Those kids are sometimes at our house 12 hours a day! He was always good with our kids... and Janai. But I think this class is helping him to see that his attitude is what gives the kids THEIR attitude when they grow up. How they become parents.

The fact that I have been saying this for years didn't matter. But because other men. Men that looked like men. Not weak looking men, but people in the community that Shawn would respect voiced their opinions and were very nurturing, I think something clicked.

Lets just hope that it stays like that.

Guess What??

My license for daycare is transferred as of Monday... so we are busy moving and stuff.

:) That was the best news of the week... not to mention that I broke a mirror the night before. I guess it isn't true. (Knock on wood??)

No news is good news?

Still waiting on that licensure stuff. I am getting frustrated about it. But it is out of my control. I have done all I can at this point. So I am still trying to relax and just wait. In the meantime, things are going along just like they should I guess.

All this uncertainity and anxiousness is driving me insane though. The cure? Dairy Queen. Sadly, it hasn't really helped. It has only made me gain 20lbs. Now I am on a diet, which shouldn't be too hard, since we have no money to buy anything. I wouldn't have had DQ very often either, except my sister keeps offering to buy it for me. I shall say no from now on.

I have a friend and no offense to this friend, we just don't share a view point, and while this will be blatantly obvious if it IS the person I am talking about, it won't be if you aren't that person... LOL I've no idea if this person even reads my blog here, so it might not even matter.

Anyway, *destiny* always comes up when speaking with her. That nothing happens by accident, and she is always looking for the reasons that things happen. Sadly, while I don't share in this view point, anything bad that can come from this type of thinking, does rest in my soul. For instance, I think that I am being punished somehow and that is why one of my kids got sick, and died. Now, I tell myself, that type of thinking is stupid. Because, first... What did Emma do to deserve that? Nothing. So why should she be puinished because of something I did? Right?

Anyway, I do believe that we are responsible for our own outcomes. But not in the same way stated above. I believe that if at least once a week for 3 months, you are late or just don't go into your job, and you lose your job. It isn't something greater at work, trying to tell you something. It simply means you need a better fucking alarm clock. I think that I am responsible for what happens to me, but only the things that I have control over, and even then, I personally set in motion some of the bigger things. For instance, say I did get up and get to work on time each day. Then when I had to miss work for a good reason, I wouldn't be penalised. I would be given the time and possibly the sympathy that I might need. I would have set it up that way. I would have helped others give me the label of "responsible" person. But if I didn't get up, and I called in all the time, my label might be something very different.

The other problem I have with that type of thinking is... and this is from a daycare provider standpoint, even if there is something larger at work here. I don't see how say.. *I* can be punished because of someone else's lesson. If daycare parent loses his/her job, then I am out of work too. It just doesn't really seem fair, does it?

I guess it is the same thinking as how I feel about Emerald and her illness. Only *I* take the place of Emerald, in this case.

So logically for me, the blame for ME having an issue in this case, rest squarely on the shoulders of the person who lost their job, and further on my own shoulders for not being prepared with savings just in case it happened.

Anyway, this morning for some reason, I picked up Dr. Phil's book Self Matters. He said something that hit home,

Give yourself a reality break here; there are enough things for which you are clearly and undeniably responsible without your taking on things over which you have no control.

Good point!

We set things up. Perhaps somethings are under the control of a higher power, but like the saying goes... even with that kind of thinking. God helps those who help themselves. We still need to do our own groundwork.

I have always thought that way. I have always been the type to set things up and have it work out. And then Emerald got sick, and I just have been defeated. Maybe today is the day, that I realise that I am part of the reason that things have gone in the crapper. The fault of things does fall on my shoulders, but not because God put it there. But because *I* did.

And I can take it off, and fix it, I can do those little things that will change that for myself. Starting today. So I guess that 20lbs can only be attributed to the crap I stuffed into MY mouth. I guess we shall start there!

Now, I have to add this. The picture above, is NOT the picture that I am intending to be here. I have erased and put it back in several times, for CERTAIN attaching the right photo. And each time... THIS is the one that comes up. How is that for out of my control?

To answer Lisa's question.

Yes! I did go to college yesterday. And I signed up. So as long as I pass the first year, I am going to school for nursing!

Excited?? I am!

Still waiting to hear from the state regarding my license. Getting nervous about that!

Picture of Anya swimming last Saturday! Isn't she funny??

It's that time of the year...

Of course, I can't breathe. I feel like I am sick. I guess I am sick, but it's asthma, nothing that will just go away.

Add my stress to it, and I just don't see a soon end to this.

I was stupid though. On Friday, I found that I was very behind in my checking account. I was so stressed out over the weekend, that I kept crying on and off. Well, yesterday, I am cleaning off the counter and I find... an $800 check from 2 weeks ago that I didn't take to the bank. So I was behind, for no reason, I bounced checks, for no reason. I had the money. Now I am behind... LOL Oh well... at least I am not as in dire straights as I thought!

I hate waiting. Waiting for them to tell me if my license will be transferred. I hate it. My life is just hanging in the balance at this point.

I have an appointment at college today at 2. Hopefully, I can get into the program. I really need to do something else.

:)

Well, nothing really new to report, nothing else to complain about. Just trying to breathe. Literally, and figuratively.

Things are coming along.

I finally heard from licensing, they said that they are reviewing my case because of Shawn's DUI from 2002. And there are a couple things that I have to send back, that will be taken care of by tomorrow, so then we wait for the review.

In the meantime, I did apply for financial aid, and I applied to baker college. Hopefully they will take me. Getting a degree in something would be really good for me.

So that's that.

Hopefully, I will hear from all of these places really quick like!

;)

Something to consider...

I was taking pictures for a while before I got a decent camera. I had an APS camera that Rene got me, that took good pictures, but developing the film, and not having a clue how they were going to turn out was time consuming and expensive. So when they came out with an affordable digital, I was really happy.

The first digital was less than 2 mp at its best. This is an example of one of the pictures. Dirty... small, and just not good quality, but I like how the kids were being kids. It served me well. I got to document Emerald's being 7-8 and Anya being born... bwtn my APS and the digital.

The following year, I got my tax return and splurged on a 2 MP camera. I considered a more expensive model, but for $250 bucks, this would be enough. After all, I wouldn't need anything bigger or nicer than this could do... LOL This is pretty decent and I was happy with it.

For Christmas that year, Shawn thought I needed a nicer camera. So he got me a 3.2 mp Sony. Nice. I didn't think I needed it though. Soon after Emerald got sick. I took as many pictures as I could with that camera. We went to Disney, I took pictures of her last days... I really got Shawn's moneys worth out of that camera.

After Emerald died, I realised that I had all these pictures, but I couldn't use them as high resolution images. They just look grainy and bad when blown up. Now, when I am trying to find a great picture for a gift, I can find one, but I end up not using it, because it just doesn't look right. I ended up buying a more expensive camera. And after that an even better one. Now, I think I am a convert of good cameras. Not to mention that with the cost of cameras being so cheap, you can get a 6 mp camera for what I had gotten a 2 mp camera for! Just crazy!

So, in the way of cameras... make sure you buy the best you can. Pictures are sometimes all you have left of someone's life, and you want them to be the best they can be. ;)

Mercury is retrograde as of yesterday...

I read today that this is a good time to brainstorm. Not a good time to make choices, more likely that something will break down... etc.

So... I have been trying to decide what I wanted to do with myself. I need to come up with a plan. I am happy and would keep doing child care, but because I screwed up, if that doesn't stay in the cards for me, I need to have a back up plan. I applied for financial aid for school, so if push comes to shove, I can have a couple of choices. I am looking at the Early Child Ed program, or possibly nursing. I can get a degree in 2.5 years and my friend who just completed the program is making 22.50 an hour plus benefits. I could live on that.

So, I am going to ride it out... and see where it takes me. If things pan out the way they are now, then maybe I might still try the nursing gig, just maybe have it go a little longer... Or maybe not. I know that there are time constraints and that you have to take so many classes together... but we'll work around that. With Shawn being home all the time... and most of my kids coming in the afternoons, I should be able to work it out. The other daycare mom is going through the same program and she is gone from 8 AM to 3 PM every day. I could probably deal with that. If I put the kids to bed at 8:30PM I would have time to study. It is only 2.5 years. Much less time than I have spent fucking around and doing nothing professional or educational wise with my life.

I *did* get to be the mom to Emerald. I am glad that I have that. It makes the last 12 years worth it, ya know?

Anyway, I am just rambling.

** got a call from Shawn. I bring up that I filed for financial aid and he says...(of course)... maybe I should too. I can go to Wayne State. Sure Shawn, just because I have spent the last 7 years supporting your stupid ass, while I worked 12-17 hours a day, and you did nothing but work at your meanial job, playing playstation until 4 AM each day... AND you have the time, and a low enough income to get finanacial aid, NOW is the time, now that I am serious about something, to decide you are going to start attempting to do it. I don't think so. You can wait until I am done. Jerk. It isn't all about you. I need to have some self worth here. I need to accomplish something in my life. I have spent too long waiting for you to get it together... and I swear to God if you say that I should just watch, because you will make more money than me, and that I am holding you back... I will smack you.

(There, now that I got that out of my system.)

I am tired of being foiled by the master procrastinator.

Can't. Stand. It. Any. Longer.

I want all my stuff in one house. I have now made to payments to the new house, and we are STILL not living in it. It doesn't help that Shawn isn't really doing his part in moving the stuff over, but at the same time, I am just too busy with all I have going on myself to do anything either.

We are going to Algonac again this this afternoon to see the parade, and maybe let the kids ride the midway. It is cheaper this day than any other day. But when I sign off here, I think I am going to start putting Emerald's clothes in the bins that I bought. If I go to the other house, it looks as if we live there too. Sigh. But no beds, so tomorrow, that is the goal, to have at least one big bed, and put together the bottom bunk of Emma/Pie's bed.

Hopefully, it will go to plan. It looks like it may rain on our parade, but we are going to try to give it a go anyhow.

Have a good day!

Hey this is me...

You are Agnostic

You're not sure if God exists, and you don't care. For you, there's no true way to figure out the divine. You rather focus on what you can control - your own life. And you tend to resent when others "sell" religion to you.

What's Your Religious Philosophy?

So what are you??

Well, today, I am going...

To orientation.. Doing the happy dance. Now I just have to worry about the review. I am super anxious about this all. I am trying to focus on the good things that I have going. And trying to talk myself out of thinking that I suck and deserve only shitty things.

It isn't easy. So much has gone wrong since Emerald got sick. Maybe it all started with getting pregnant unexpectedly with Pie. 9 month after I found that out, Emerald got sick, and things just haven been one thing after another since then. It is very frustrating.

I am just doing what I can, and surrendering what I can't to the universe. Because it isn't worth worrying about. At the same time, trying NOT to worry takes a lot of effort. LOL Shawn has somehow got it mastered... He worrys about nothing it appears.

Speaking of Shawn, after 3 months of not smoking, I caught him smoking this week. Now he is taking wellbutrin AND smoking. Nice. And he tried to lie about it. Like my non smoker nose can't smell the obvious. Whatever.

I don't want our kids to even know he does it, so if he is hiding it, it is probably for the best. I also read that if you act like smoking is a normal part of life, kids are more likely to smoke as they get older, because they take it as being part of life, and it becomes OK. If you don't, they get the message that there is something not right and are less likely to smoke. At least for that reason. There is still peer pressure to worry about, ya know? But at least it won't be part of our daily life.

We have daycare going from 4 AM to midnight right now, so he can't smoke on the property at all while that happens... so hiding it should be pretty easy. I just wish he would quit for good. At least when he hugs me, I don't have to hold my breath, when he is smoking, I just can't stand the smell. It used to be tolerable because we would go out to the bar and stuff, but I couldn't smell it on him, especially after myself being immersed in it for hours at a time. Now, it just isn't the same.

:P

Not having a very good day.

Please just hope that they transfer my registration. I found out that I can get into a class (actually, I could have gotten into one last week.) that will cover the orientation stuff, the next one is tomorrow. Unless the lady calls me in the morning, I won't get into that one, but the next one is July 19th. That is much better than waiting 3-6 months. I don't know why that lady told me that. I am glad I called again to find out.

They said that my registration will be "reviewed". That doesn't sound good. Just hope that nothing happens and they transfer it.

Sigh.

And I found out that my sister in law thinks that my mil doesn't like her youngest either. I am so glad she said that, because I thought I was just going crazy. She said she pretty much ignores the little one, and gives all the attention to the older one. Same thing happens here with Pie. I have been saying for a long time that I think she doesn't like him. Good to know that I wasn't imagining it!

In addition to all this, I just think I need a nap. The foster care worker is coming tomorrow to talk with us about Janai. Should be interesting... I just feel so much pressure to be everything to everyone. Sometimes, I wonder who I really am.

I really hate doing daycare stuff sometimes...

My friend was bringing her child to my house for daycare. She was begging her mom the whole time to just stay with her. So after a week and a half... (and this kid was fine when she was here... I mean, playing, laughing, eating... being normal) the mom gives in and lets her go to work with her. So now, she is going to spend the whole day around no kids.

She never even bothered to call and let me know what was going on. So I now can't count on that money of course. This just pisses me off. Plus she still owes me for last week. I am beyond annoyed.

Emerald was the same kind of kid. She would just stay with me and not go with friends... at least when she was younger. Once she started being able to stay the night at her friends she did that. So I understand how that goes with kids. But she could have called me and let me know. Or mentioned it when she called last Thursday and said she would be by to pay me on Friday.

Sigh.

I need to write a business plan for my photography. Maybe I can make a go at that and give this up entirely....

LOL

Photo session yesterday...

With my sister in laws family. Officially my first paid photo session. :) It was a lot of fun. And I got another appointment out of it.

I was so scared that the photos were going to be crap. But they came out good. I am looking forward to the day that I get a proper wide angle, the good L series lens I need and a decent flash. I learn something every time I go.

:D

I am certainly tired these days though. I don't know what my problem is. Probably just the stress of living in two places and my whole daycare saga... LOL It wears on you to have to worry all the time.

Ha!

My check came! Finally something went right!!