I have been crying for 5/6 days... it is only 11 AM here now, so there is still time for today, certainly it will happen. I will just give into it.
No weight loss lately, none gained either, but none lost. Seems odd. How can I eat so little and still not lose anything. Over time, it won't be that way... and I have completely given up on my old lifestyle of eating McDonald's each day.... this time next year, I will be destined to be thinner. And maybe I will be.
Each night I hope for two things. 1 I don't wake up again, or 2 that this life has all been a bad dream, I want to be a teenager again, and decide perhaps to have no children. I love them. I love them so much, but it just hurts so much, that I don't know if I want that too.... not like I really get a choice.
I feel so insignificant. Like we are all just numbers and we don't matter. I guess there are people that are numbers to me, then there are the others. The ones I love, the ones that I want to be part of my life. When something happens to even the "numbers" though, I feel horrified and hurt. Maybe we are all part a larger collective. For me it is like that. But for some, those that can separate themselves from the rest of us. Those that don't see my pain, and how I am suffering, even though it smacks them in the face.... I kind of envy them too.
Both sides of the same coin. My life story.
How I wish she was, and how I wish she never was. How I am glad I am, but then I wish I wasn't.
Life is unfair and sucky, and yet happy and I love it.
You can be alive and still not living, and not living, but still so alive.
My lost thoughts. It isn't like anyone reads this journal.... LOL
1 comment:
I'm reading... and I always do... but I got behind these past few days with all this work stuff. I am so glad that I met you - even if it was in awful circumstance. I also know how trite it sounds to say... oh, I'm so glad we're friends... LOL but just so you know - I think about you every day... all throughout the day and anytime I think of Emerald, I think of Celeste and vice versa. Gives me some sens of peace - I think they'll keep good watch over their brothers and sisters... so it makes me feel a bit better about my other little ones. I was sick with worry that something wrong would happen... and thought - we can't change today... so not to worry - you have a friend here who always keeps you close at heart. love and hugs*
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