My friend Nikki.

I graduated from nursing school just last May. I met some people I didn't really like, and I met some that I like a whole lot. Like regular life. I am not the type that hangs out a lot. In fact, I am pretty much a home-body. Lots of kids, and they go everywhere with me.

At first in nursing school I felt very alone. When my daughter's death day came around, I felt more alone. I planned a benefit with my derby league last year and one instructor and one friend from nursing school came. My friend was Nikki. I am really grateful that she took the time one day to keep me from just walking out and not coming back. It made a difference to me. I watched her struggle with her husband leaving because they are a military family... and now sadly, she has said good bye to her husband for the very last time. He got liver cancer. And instead of the 5 years they thought he had, he died in a very, very short time. I wish I could take it away for her.

It's hard to watch. It's hard to relive my own past. It's hard to know, that it could be someone else I love in the future. I struggle with many of the same things that my friends have struggled with trying to help me. There is nothing you can do to make it go away. All you can do is be there.

Hug your loved ones. Life is too short to spend it being angry.

Sicky

Feeling like crap. Blah. I have a game tomorrow for derby. Hopefully, I feel better by tomorrow night. Not really feeling the love, but everyone has those days, I guess.

I won't be in the next few games because I took a vacation, and had to work. The league (I guess, because I don't remember agreeing to this and I am the VP) doesn't allow you to miss more than 2 excused days off. LOL So if you can afford to vacation more than 1 week you are penalized. Quite honestly, I think that if you can't afford to vacation more than 1 week, you are being penalized... so I will happily take the vacation and the time with my family. Just like time off from the kids, and from work. I think taking time off from your hobby, has the potential to make you better at it. And actually, my foot doesn't hurt, my knee feels stronger and I have a clearer head. All good things.

I used to think that I wouldn't get to a point where I was able to just jump in and play. But I think that if I am off for a couple of weeks, it doesn't really seem to affect my game too much. I think that comes from being more fit in general. Not that I think you should be off for 3 months and just start playing, because from what I understand you do lose muscle after that long of inactivity, but that isn't the case for me.

Anyway, so that doesn't really matter for me. I refuse to feel penalized for working my ass off and being able to spend quality time away from home with my spouse and/or my kids. Life is good and I am glad.

We are really hoping to move to Florida this time next year. If I can find a job and he can find a job... I worry that another job won't be as good as this job I currently have. My co-workers are great. They really work together. They aren't really nit picky and will just go to the person if they have a problem. Not all the floors can say that. I don't want to deal with that nit picky BS that I have to deal with in other areas of my life. It sucks the fun out of everything. Anyway, I will keep updated on all that.

The Holiday Season.

I posted today on FB, about Holiday = Holy Day. I got deleted by someone, and people argued that Christmas is celebrated only at this time, and other holidays need to find their own day. Most of the people just agreed to disagree, which is nice. One posted that we are all just searching for "truth". Quite honestly, I wanted to post that I wasn't searching for truth at all. I wanted money and power. Because personally, I am not searching for "truth". Religion doesn't take a very big spot in my life. I mostly just want to live my life and be the best I can be. I want to honor my family, and myself. I want Emerald to be remembered. I want to leave a legacy for my kids... by helping them to grow to be the best adults they can be.

But I am not concerned about God. And I am at peace with that. Unfortunately, it is one of those things that you can't say to anyone, because if you do, they would get all upset. So I pretty much just keep it to myself. I hope that Emerald's soul isn't waiting around for me. I hope that it is being used and loved by other people... if that is how it works. Seems kind of wasteful and silly to think that perhaps there is a place like this... only heaven, where people are sitting around. People have a way of putting their own experiences as a spin on things. Just look at the movie, "It's a Wonderful Life". I love that movie. But poor Clarence. It makes me think that the heaven's would be talking about me behind my back. Like I was a sub-par angel or something. LOL

I can't say one way or the other about truth. I don't really care. Just treat others with love and respect. That's the important thing.

Hey...

I am back. Lots of things have changed. Lots of things haven't.

Nursing school done. Derby is being done. Job is being done. Mostly loving life.

Will be back soon.

Gah...

Why the hell can't I just feel happy?? For some reason, I let one stupid thing... and usually it is either just a little nagging something in my head... or maybe something real, but not my problem... or sometimes it is my problem, but there is literally nothing more than I can do about it that I am not already doing.

I have completely changed things for myself. I got into nursing school. I kicked out Shawn, and found someone that makes me happy. The kids are doing better.

Too bad my love affair with self doubt and self imposed depression and anxiety will kill off anything good. I hate that I am so insecure. I have a lot to offer, but just think that everyone is better off not hearing anything from me. I just said today... "no one really notices if I stop talking anyway."

It is probably just hormones. But this is no way to live... I'm even tired of the "depressed theme".

I took some pictures of my niece.

My niece was born on October 11th and I took some pictures. She is a sweet baby.

This one is my favorite.

Anyway, I apply for the nursing program again in just a few weeks, we have until February to find out, but I am hopeful. I have one extra point this time around. I kind of hope that there aren't as many applicants this time. I am also taking the Hesi on the 13th, and I haven't even started to study for it. I need to get going on that.

Plus, all the projects I have going on. I feel so busy, but yet at a standstill.

The kids...

I just love listening to Anya and Pie discuss their day. I love listening to Anya read bedtime stories to Pie. It reminds me of when I was little and used to read to my sisters.

Pie and Janai started pre-school today. Pie screamed his little head off until after I left. I guess he did eventually stop and had a great time, and is excited to go back tomorrow. Thankfully, he is a roll-with-the-punches kind of kid.

Janai ran off right away, and Pie was screaming so badly, I didn't have a chance to tell her goodbye. So when I showed up to pick them up, she look relieved to see me, and screamed "mommy!" and ran over. She is also excited to go back and hopefuly will feel more at ease tomorrow, because she knows I will come back to get her.

Eliza has a bad runny problem... She fell asleep at 7 and has remained sleeping the whole night, and took a nap this afternoon. I hope it isn't anything that sticks with her.

Shawn didn't get the job.

He had to take a psychological profiling test, and it said he was ill suited for the job. I should have gave him one of those before we got married.

"Sorry Honey, you failed your psychological profile, you are ill suited to be a husband and a father..."

Sigh.

Carry on.

Today is the first day of school.

Anya started first grade today. I dropped her to school, took a picture of her at her table, and then left, holding back tears. Not for what you think though. I am sure the other parents thought I was just a new mom crying because her baby was going to school. But the reality is that I was upset about my baby NOT going to school. Not starting high school this morning. Not getting into fights with me...

My dead kid... the ultimate rip off for her and me.

What can one do though? Sigh. Next week when Pie and Janai start head start, should be easier. Today, while I put on my brave face, I will be licking my wounds. That is what it feels like. I need some one to help take care of me for few hours.

Mojo needed here.

Shawn went to a job fair today, for Comcast (cable company), he had submitted an application previously. They want him to come back on Friday for skill testing. Hopefully, it works out because it would be a much better situation all around...

I am waiting for foster care to clear us. If they deny us, I can't get a daycare license either. LOL. Talk about stress. Good thing we only have one kid that won't be in school, because if I have to work outside the house, I will have to pay for child care.

Unless Shawn gets this job, then I can just keep on doing what I am doing.

It is ridiculous, that they are making me wait. The girl who is working on our foster care stuff is on vacation until Tuesday.

Of course she is.

And what is with Chrysler calling me and telling me they are going to repo my car. Dude. I am barely 30 days past due. No chance at this point that I can't afford the payment. I have been making the payment (although, late..) for 3 effing years. And now, I might not be able to afford it? After I just lowered our other obligations by almost $700?? Idiots. Does it not occur to them, that they would still be after me to make the payments only I wouldn't have the car? What can I afford less than making my car payment? Making a payment for no car. Yeah, try to get that payment out of me.

Did you ever have that peace inside that it will all work out??

Ever since we moved I have finally started to feel like I am getting to that place. Perhaps this feeling is only short lived. Regardless, I will enjoy it. One more month of being behind on our bills and then, I should be mostly caught up with a lot of them. Around the same time, we should be getting our insurance back, and school will be started again.

I remember when it was just me and Emerald. I would sleep a lot, and play with her. I really didn't have many hobbies, and we had no money, so we couldn't do anything. Now, because of the internet, I have lots of hobbies, and I don't sleep nearly as much. In fact, the internet seems to be one of my hobbies. My only escape from the kids.... and Shawn.

I just thought of something, there are some roller skating rinks that let you bring in strollers and do mommy skates. Maybe I can start doing that. That could be fun.

My point is, I can't tell at this point, if how life has changed, is a good thing. It sure is different. Life then, I could only focus on a couple things. I could only buy crafts that I found in the local store or in a random catalog. Now, you can find virtually everything online. You are connected to many, many people. Life can be even more cluttered and less simple. Even though it would seem at first that the internet and computers would make things more simple and less cluttered.

Anyway, none of this post makes sense. LOL, and it is OK, well ok for me. Not OK, for someone bored by my inane ramblings!!

Changed the scenery...

3 of my 4 kids are going to be in school in two weeks. Crazy. Just me and Eliza at home all day. It will be great, I think.

I have all these ideas on what I can get done, hopefully, I can follow through with my ideas. I have lots of stuff I want to make for christmas gifts. I have all this fabric... I want to make some purses, I want to make diapers. I want to get everything painted here. I want to try my hand at chain maille jewelry...

I have been trying to get everything I have to get done, done. Moving into a smaller place has been trying. Just getting along with my husband is trying. I have foster care paperwork, adoption paperwork, daycare paperwork. Plus, getting the headstart stuff done for the kids to go there.

I didn't get into the nursing program. I was expecting to. I should have gotten in. I will be reapplying in December, will find out in February if I get to start in April. Hopefully, I can. At the same time, I will be applying at another school, so I have another chance at getting in somewhere else. There are a few schools I could go to, but I am going to have to figure out their pre-requisite courses, they all have their own.

I feel like such a loser because I didn't get in. One of my friends said something like... I am so disappointed you didn't get in. I actually heard, "I am so disappointed in you, that you didn't get in." Oh well, there is nothing I can do, except work to get in this next time.

I have been so out of touch lately. Life with 4 kids, is a lot busier than life with only the 2 I had living with me just 3 years ago.

Moved into a new place....

We moved into a new house. It is smaller, it is a challenge to get all my stuff into here. But it is a lot cheaper. Unfortunately, it would appear that increasing electric and gas bills will take up the savings... but whatever... LOL

I will add to the insurance thing. They aren't giving anyone who makes over a certain amount, even if they are poor, insurance in Michigan. It is their way of saving money.

I am waiting for my nursing acceptance letter to come in the mail. Part of the reason that I can't get a job outside of the house now, is that I would never see the kids, and daycare costs would be more than what I can bring in. $125.00/week/child adds up pretty quickly. Shawn works 70+ hours these days, so I can't count on him to be home. I would have to have a job that (during the summer) makes more than $500 a week, just to break even at this point. That doesn't even include gas. Between school, and working that would be 80 hours away from the house, for almost no money anyway.

Just hope I get into the program. I am holding my breath waiting.

I. Just. Can't. Relax.

Ever. I always feel like I am "on". I am pretty sure that my back problems, my inability to lose weight, lack of libido and whatever else, is 100% contributed to stress.

I need to find a way to unwind. It isn't easy, because I am worrying about a lot of things.

Money (my #1 gripe). I know people always say that money doesn't buy happiness. Nope, it certainly doesn't. But when you don't have enough to take care of your kids, the lack of it, causes stress.

Waiting. I applied to the nursing program at my school. The final step in getting in. My pre-requisite courses are done, and there is nothing to do but wait for them to get back to me. They say they will tell us no later that August 1st.

Housing. Honestly, if the guy who owns this house would just leave me along, I would just stay here even though the cost is high. As it is, our lease is up in February. He is working hard to get us to mortgage and this house is worth $35K less than it was two years ago. But because we signed into a rent to own type of thing, he feels that is what he can squeeze out of us. I think not. But trying to find something more suitable isn't as easy as it sounds. At this point, it would better for us to find something at this same price and have a much larger house, than to try to find something decent that is cheaper... LOL

Insurance. Certainly life would be better if I could get to the doctor, but with no insurance, I have to wait until something is wrong...

I have been getting exercise, been trying to breathe, but I am just feeling overwhelmed.

I am even applying for a job at comcast, so I can try to have enough money and lessen my dependency on certain individuals. LOL

Long Time, No Post!

Check out this blog... http://www.thisfullhouse.com/this_full_house/2008/06/mommys-effing-l.html?cid=118116628#comment-118116628 for every comment with a swear word, she will donate another $1.00 to the RMH. I know lots of people have used RMH, and wanted to encourage you to participate in the cuss-fest.

The kids are good. I am OK. Just waiting to see if I am accepted into the core program for nursing at my school.

I spent 3 days looking for my hearing aids and found them finally... and found that they are broken. We have no insurance... and I just don't know what to do about it. Medicaid will only cover the expenses, after I spend $1100. LOL Excellent.

Just a thought.

If you donate food for a canned food drive. Could you please make sure that it isn't expired?? If there is no expiration or use by date, you can call the number on the can and they will tell you what it is. If it isn't expired, write the date on the can. And it wouldn't hurt to give something yummy... why so many cans of cranberry sauce??

Not complaining, because we really need the extra food, and it was nice to get things we could use, but one of the cans of corn expired in 2004. And several other were less expired but expired. My kids don't need food poisoning because we are poor. I would rather they eat plain rice every single day than a can of nasty old corn.

Just saying.

But really I am glad we got the stuff we did. Except for the expired ones.

They're all sick!

Eliza had a temp of 105.2 the other night. She has an ear infection. Anya has an ear infection and a goopy eye. Pie had an ear infection and as of this morning has been puking non stop. Janai, well, she is just crazy. :p We are woking on potty training... but she isn't sick...yet.

I have to work on potty training because we have no money to buy her diapers (I don't make her diapers.) So I have a few training pants that I guess we will have to keep washing until the money drought leaves... (I am going to start holding my breath now!)

Here is something... something. I got a letter from the state of michigan saying that they are going to decrease the amount of hours I can bill for (not just me... everyone) from 100 to 90 every two weeks. Just perfect. In essence it is a pay decrease, because while I am going to try to get the money from the parents, I can't count on them being able to come up with it. I know for me, trying to find an extra $20 in my budget is an impossibility. Well, I logged on today to see if those kids that were on, but got taken off, but are waiting to be put back on, are on, so I can bill for them... (they aren't... of course) that we are going to get an increase per hour. But it doesn't say how much. It just says *increase*. I guess they feel bad about not raising the subsidy for the last 15 years, and now that they decreased the hours we can bill for, so now, we get more per hour, but that certainly will be less over all than if we could bill for 10 more hours. LOL

I can't wait until I am done with daycare. I want a midnight weekends job. I am looking... finding one that make enough money is a challenge!

School goes back on the 7th. I am excited. Only two more terms until I am turned down for the nursing program. LOL

And then we get our taxes back. For a short while we won't feel so strapped for cash, a few months. I told Shawn that starting Monday he needs to get up at 6:30 so he can be to work by 7:30. That will increase how much money he gets by $36+ a day. Hopefully, he will follow my plan. If he doesn't... well... I don't know what I will do. Give up, I suppose.

I just discovered that I have 17 thumbs and 1 pinky finger on each hand!

I am trying to teach myself to knit. OH LORD.

My eyes no longer focus from near to far quickly... and so after I am looking up close for so long, I can't see for 10 minutes... and then because I like to torture myself, I am trying to knit socks. Nothing like a bunch of stabby double pointed needles all over on your lap. Oh and my fingers hurt...

How long will it take to get the hang of this. Right now, microbiology was easier. Shoot Algebra is easier.

Two months from now, when I am done with this one sock... I will post again, maybe with a picture, but don't count on it.

The end of the year... is near...

Ahhh nothing changes. I have been avoiding everything again, just this time of the year, I guess. As soon as thing settle down a little I hope to be in the swing of my life again.

I had a daycare mom stop coming. She gave me notice, but she was one of the payers. She was respectful, and I am sad that she is going. She got a new job, and is moving. :(

Now I know I have mentioned these other three that have been coming. Seems that they were added to my file. And now they are off. The mom is working a cash job, and turned in the stuff, but still we hear nothing about the kids being put onto the daycare subsidy so the mom can work. I am just hoping this rectifies soon. I really want to watch these kids. I need the money (who doesn't... ) and I am really sick and tired of having to chase the state for the cash. They recently decided that parents can only get 90 hours instead of a 100 every two weeks. That is down from 120 they could get just 2 years ago. Put the cost back onto the parents who are making $8/hour. Good idea. But I have to make money too, so I have to charge the parents for it.

Then there has been the whole Christmas Eve fiasco in our family. Usually on Christmas Eve we go to my Aunt's house. My mom has 10 siblings, they don't all come, because some live out of state, but it is an annual get together, that the family looks forward too. Everyone there smokes aside from me, but I can get past it, it is only one night a year. We don't get home until 2 am or later usually, but we all have such fun.

So my Aunt tells us this summer that they aren't doing Christmas. Fine. I say, I will do it at my house. They are going to go to Florida this year. Well, the holiday comes around. We plan, we paint, we clean, we call. People say they are coming. We call to get the Santa Suit from my Aunt...and she tells me that they aren't going to go to Florida after all. My other Aunt and this Aunt have had some sort of falling out... and now 2 other families aren't coming to my house, but rather they are doing their own thing. Whatever. My Aunt says she will come and all that.

Christmas Eve comes and no one shows up. Well, I shouldn't say that. My sisters and 1 of my brothers come here. My mil and fil and my bil's family come. Some of my sister's friends come. One of the daycare moms comes over. But none of my mom's family that preempted me doing Christmas Eve here. I have piles of food that I can't use and will be wasted.

Not even a phone call to tell me to Fuck Off. Nothing.

So now, next year, I don't know what is going on. Are we starting a new tradition? Are we going back to the same? I didn't mind that I could breathe the next day. I had a good time regardless of whether it was the same or not. I just don't do well with change, and I want people to be happy and together... but not at the cost of my sanity.

Ick.

I feel like crap. Stupid cold. At least my Micro class is finished. Just one more week on the online one and I am done until January, where I get to start all over again. And then we go pretty much for the next 20 weeks after that.

I wish there was an easy way to figure out what to do with myself. I don't really want to deal with daycare anymore. I hate being reliant of unreliable people... but at the same time, I am afraid to be away from my kids. I have been home with them since they were born.

If I can work when Shawn is home, then we wouldn't have that issue. And the daycare cost issue. If I split with Shawn, then I can get my daycare paid for and I can finish up what I need to. Might seem kind of rash, but there is more to it than that.

Oh what to do... I hate making choices. I hate waiting for things to fall into place. I wish there was really an button. LOL

Shawn took my car in for service. They wouldn't give him a rental, because they might have been able to fix it all today... right, whatever. The power steering fluid leaks out like a sieve, the heat blows cold air only from the defroster, and the front end has a loud clunk in it. They called a bit ago to tell me that I can come pick up the rental, because it won't be done today. No kidding. So here I am, with 6 kids... I am not walking.. it is bitter cold, and the road is busy.. they could send a van to pick us up, but... I have 6 kids to bring with me. I would rather eat my own tongue.

I just want to sleep.