I am trying to teach myself to knit. OH LORD.
My eyes no longer focus from near to far quickly... and so after I am looking up close for so long, I can't see for 10 minutes... and then because I like to torture myself, I am trying to knit socks. Nothing like a bunch of stabby double pointed needles all over on your lap. Oh and my fingers hurt...
How long will it take to get the hang of this. Right now, microbiology was easier. Shoot Algebra is easier.
Two months from now, when I am done with this one sock... I will post again, maybe with a picture, but don't count on it.
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Friday, December 28, 2007
The end of the year... is near...
Ahhh nothing changes. I have been avoiding everything again, just this time of the year, I guess. As soon as thing settle down a little I hope to be in the swing of my life again.
I had a daycare mom stop coming. She gave me notice, but she was one of the payers. She was respectful, and I am sad that she is going. She got a new job, and is moving. :(
Now I know I have mentioned these other three that have been coming. Seems that they were added to my file. And now they are off. The mom is working a cash job, and turned in the stuff, but still we hear nothing about the kids being put onto the daycare subsidy so the mom can work. I am just hoping this rectifies soon. I really want to watch these kids. I need the money (who doesn't... ) and I am really sick and tired of having to chase the state for the cash. They recently decided that parents can only get 90 hours instead of a 100 every two weeks. That is down from 120 they could get just 2 years ago. Put the cost back onto the parents who are making $8/hour. Good idea. But I have to make money too, so I have to charge the parents for it.
Then there has been the whole Christmas Eve fiasco in our family. Usually on Christmas Eve we go to my Aunt's house. My mom has 10 siblings, they don't all come, because some live out of state, but it is an annual get together, that the family looks forward too. Everyone there smokes aside from me, but I can get past it, it is only one night a year. We don't get home until 2 am or later usually, but we all have such fun.
So my Aunt tells us this summer that they aren't doing Christmas. Fine. I say, I will do it at my house. They are going to go to Florida this year. Well, the holiday comes around. We plan, we paint, we clean, we call. People say they are coming. We call to get the Santa Suit from my Aunt...and she tells me that they aren't going to go to Florida after all. My other Aunt and this Aunt have had some sort of falling out... and now 2 other families aren't coming to my house, but rather they are doing their own thing. Whatever. My Aunt says she will come and all that.
Christmas Eve comes and no one shows up. Well, I shouldn't say that. My sisters and 1 of my brothers come here. My mil and fil and my bil's family come. Some of my sister's friends come. One of the daycare moms comes over. But none of my mom's family that preempted me doing Christmas Eve here. I have piles of food that I can't use and will be wasted.
Not even a phone call to tell me to Fuck Off. Nothing.
So now, next year, I don't know what is going on. Are we starting a new tradition? Are we going back to the same? I didn't mind that I could breathe the next day. I had a good time regardless of whether it was the same or not. I just don't do well with change, and I want people to be happy and together... but not at the cost of my sanity.
I had a daycare mom stop coming. She gave me notice, but she was one of the payers. She was respectful, and I am sad that she is going. She got a new job, and is moving. :(
Now I know I have mentioned these other three that have been coming. Seems that they were added to my file. And now they are off. The mom is working a cash job, and turned in the stuff, but still we hear nothing about the kids being put onto the daycare subsidy so the mom can work. I am just hoping this rectifies soon. I really want to watch these kids. I need the money (who doesn't... ) and I am really sick and tired of having to chase the state for the cash. They recently decided that parents can only get 90 hours instead of a 100 every two weeks. That is down from 120 they could get just 2 years ago. Put the cost back onto the parents who are making $8/hour. Good idea. But I have to make money too, so I have to charge the parents for it.
Then there has been the whole Christmas Eve fiasco in our family. Usually on Christmas Eve we go to my Aunt's house. My mom has 10 siblings, they don't all come, because some live out of state, but it is an annual get together, that the family looks forward too. Everyone there smokes aside from me, but I can get past it, it is only one night a year. We don't get home until 2 am or later usually, but we all have such fun.
So my Aunt tells us this summer that they aren't doing Christmas. Fine. I say, I will do it at my house. They are going to go to Florida this year. Well, the holiday comes around. We plan, we paint, we clean, we call. People say they are coming. We call to get the Santa Suit from my Aunt...and she tells me that they aren't going to go to Florida after all. My other Aunt and this Aunt have had some sort of falling out... and now 2 other families aren't coming to my house, but rather they are doing their own thing. Whatever. My Aunt says she will come and all that.
Christmas Eve comes and no one shows up. Well, I shouldn't say that. My sisters and 1 of my brothers come here. My mil and fil and my bil's family come. Some of my sister's friends come. One of the daycare moms comes over. But none of my mom's family that preempted me doing Christmas Eve here. I have piles of food that I can't use and will be wasted.
Not even a phone call to tell me to Fuck Off. Nothing.
So now, next year, I don't know what is going on. Are we starting a new tradition? Are we going back to the same? I didn't mind that I could breathe the next day. I had a good time regardless of whether it was the same or not. I just don't do well with change, and I want people to be happy and together... but not at the cost of my sanity.
Thursday, December 06, 2007
Ick.
I feel like crap. Stupid cold. At least my Micro class is finished. Just one more week on the online one and I am done until January, where I get to start all over again. And then we go pretty much for the next 20 weeks after that.
I wish there was an easy way to figure out what to do with myself. I don't really want to deal with daycare anymore. I hate being reliant of unreliable people... but at the same time, I am afraid to be away from my kids. I have been home with them since they were born.
If I can work when Shawn is home, then we wouldn't have that issue. And the daycare cost issue. If I split with Shawn, then I can get my daycare paid for and I can finish up what I need to. Might seem kind of rash, but there is more to it than that.
Oh what to do... I hate making choices. I hate waiting for things to fall into place. I wish there was really an button. LOL
Shawn took my car in for service. They wouldn't give him a rental, because they might have been able to fix it all today... right, whatever. The power steering fluid leaks out like a sieve, the heat blows cold air only from the defroster, and the front end has a loud clunk in it. They called a bit ago to tell me that I can come pick up the rental, because it won't be done today. No kidding. So here I am, with 6 kids... I am not walking.. it is bitter cold, and the road is busy.. they could send a van to pick us up, but... I have 6 kids to bring with me. I would rather eat my own tongue.
I just want to sleep.
I wish there was an easy way to figure out what to do with myself. I don't really want to deal with daycare anymore. I hate being reliant of unreliable people... but at the same time, I am afraid to be away from my kids. I have been home with them since they were born.
If I can work when Shawn is home, then we wouldn't have that issue. And the daycare cost issue. If I split with Shawn, then I can get my daycare paid for and I can finish up what I need to. Might seem kind of rash, but there is more to it than that.
Oh what to do... I hate making choices. I hate waiting for things to fall into place. I wish there was really an
Shawn took my car in for service. They wouldn't give him a rental, because they might have been able to fix it all today... right, whatever. The power steering fluid leaks out like a sieve, the heat blows cold air only from the defroster, and the front end has a loud clunk in it. They called a bit ago to tell me that I can come pick up the rental, because it won't be done today. No kidding. So here I am, with 6 kids... I am not walking.. it is bitter cold, and the road is busy.. they could send a van to pick us up, but... I have 6 kids to bring with me. I would rather eat my own tongue.
I just want to sleep.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
OK, restart.
After a HORRID week. I am hoping this week will be the beginning of something better.
It just sinks lower each day... but I am hopeful that this is the lowest it will go. LOL
Oh, Lisa, it wasn't food stamps, it was the food program that reimburses for food for the daycare kids. I spoked with them on Thursday and they said that because it is just supposed to be "supplemental" to my income, that it shouldn't matter if I get it back in 3 weeks for in 8. LOL Nice. I get extra money because I am low-income, but it shouldn't matter.
Ugh.
I put stuff into layaway for my kids for Christmas. Good grief, I say. Stuff is expensive. Not only is it expensive... but Kmart is the only game in town for layaway. And they consider toys to be seasonal/holiday items. So I have to have my layaway out early. On one hand I see their point. On the other... well. I could use those extra weeks to pay it off instead of breaking the bank to try to have stuff for my kids in less time. It says on the slip that seasonal holiday items aren't allowed for a price adjustment either. Does that also mean toys?? Because I always thought you got a price adjustment on toys.. If so, are they seasonal/holiday in one regard, but not in another. Not that I would complain, but it is just stupid.
Can't anyone around give us a break? Rich people don't need layaway.
On another note, I got a free $10 gift card in the mail from Kohls and bought Eliza two little pairs of pants. The kid grows faster than the other 3 did... and because of the cloth diapers... she has a bigger bottom to cover as well. I put 12 mos size stuff on her, and it fits. Around and length-wise. Crazy, I tell ya!
Oh, I had this dream I wanted to post about.
Keri and I were out somewhere, and we were going to do a ritual outside (with fire) for Fin. We were outside at night, and went way out into this park, by a pond. We weren't supposed to have fires there. Before we could even get started, we heard something while sitting on the hill overlooking the pond. It was something that seemed like a train, moving through the trees. Only it was a caravan of animals. Suddenly, something caught my eye. From behind, a leopard type cub came out of the darkness and hit Keri in the head. Pulled back, lunged at me, and laid its head in my lap. I had my hands on its soft fur, and I could firmly feel the warmth and rounded shape. I woke up and my hands were around Eliza in the same way. Well, around her body.
I think it was Emerald in my dream. Playing with Keri... telling us that she and Fin have returned to nature... and that part of her lies in my lap when Eliza does.
If I think about how much I miss her, if I were to really start to let the feelings come... I fear I would die of the broken heart that I have.
It just sinks lower each day... but I am hopeful that this is the lowest it will go. LOL
Oh, Lisa, it wasn't food stamps, it was the food program that reimburses for food for the daycare kids. I spoked with them on Thursday and they said that because it is just supposed to be "supplemental" to my income, that it shouldn't matter if I get it back in 3 weeks for in 8. LOL Nice. I get extra money because I am low-income, but it shouldn't matter.
Ugh.
I put stuff into layaway for my kids for Christmas. Good grief, I say. Stuff is expensive. Not only is it expensive... but Kmart is the only game in town for layaway. And they consider toys to be seasonal/holiday items. So I have to have my layaway out early. On one hand I see their point. On the other... well. I could use those extra weeks to pay it off instead of breaking the bank to try to have stuff for my kids in less time. It says on the slip that seasonal holiday items aren't allowed for a price adjustment either. Does that also mean toys?? Because I always thought you got a price adjustment on toys.. If so, are they seasonal/holiday in one regard, but not in another. Not that I would complain, but it is just stupid.
Can't anyone around give us a break? Rich people don't need layaway.
On another note, I got a free $10 gift card in the mail from Kohls and bought Eliza two little pairs of pants. The kid grows faster than the other 3 did... and because of the cloth diapers... she has a bigger bottom to cover as well. I put 12 mos size stuff on her, and it fits. Around and length-wise. Crazy, I tell ya!
Oh, I had this dream I wanted to post about.
Keri and I were out somewhere, and we were going to do a ritual outside (with fire) for Fin. We were outside at night, and went way out into this park, by a pond. We weren't supposed to have fires there. Before we could even get started, we heard something while sitting on the hill overlooking the pond. It was something that seemed like a train, moving through the trees. Only it was a caravan of animals. Suddenly, something caught my eye. From behind, a leopard type cub came out of the darkness and hit Keri in the head. Pulled back, lunged at me, and laid its head in my lap. I had my hands on its soft fur, and I could firmly feel the warmth and rounded shape. I woke up and my hands were around Eliza in the same way. Well, around her body.
I think it was Emerald in my dream. Playing with Keri... telling us that she and Fin have returned to nature... and that part of her lies in my lap when Eliza does.
If I think about how much I miss her, if I were to really start to let the feelings come... I fear I would die of the broken heart that I have.
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
Sorry to bitch again...
Just when you think things are getting better. Splat!
The food program has been the bane of my existence the last year. I do what I am supposed to, and I get screwed over.
The latest? They changed the rules.
So instead of turning in the form and getting the reimbursement on the last day of the month... you turn it in, and you get it back 7-10 business days at a minimum from when they received it. At first, this sounds better. Like you would get it faster. Well, that isn't the case. You only have the POTENTIAL of getting it faster. It's not necessarily going to happen that way. It would take up to 6 weeks to get it back... as is the case for the month of September. Worse yet, no one told me until I called on the first to figure out where it was. They told NO ONE that they changed the way they do it... well, at least I wasn't informed about it.
Thanks to the Michigan throwing budgeting cuts into the mix, we got the last check late. I couldn't pay my land lord when I was supposed to. And we were almost caught up. So I get through that, it came a couple days late, but it got here. That was Oct 1. Now, Nov 1 comes around, and I am STILL waiting on the money. Shawn sent it from a different post office so it got there on Oct 15th. It is long past 7-10 business days. And still nothing. I sent out the form for Oct too... usually I would get that Dec 1. WHO KNOWS when that is going to come.
I have no idea how I am supposed to be able to count on this money now. It is budgeted in. It is part of my income. I am bouncing checks, I am late on everything. I have debts to people to satisfy, and I can't!
I am hoping that I get my money from my financial aid by Friday... for cripe's sake, I just want to pay my bills... and buy light bulbs, and laundry soap. Is it so much to ask??
The food program has been the bane of my existence the last year. I do what I am supposed to, and I get screwed over.
The latest? They changed the rules.
So instead of turning in the form and getting the reimbursement on the last day of the month... you turn it in, and you get it back 7-10 business days at a minimum from when they received it. At first, this sounds better. Like you would get it faster. Well, that isn't the case. You only have the POTENTIAL of getting it faster. It's not necessarily going to happen that way. It would take up to 6 weeks to get it back... as is the case for the month of September. Worse yet, no one told me until I called on the first to figure out where it was. They told NO ONE that they changed the way they do it... well, at least I wasn't informed about it.
Thanks to the Michigan throwing budgeting cuts into the mix, we got the last check late. I couldn't pay my land lord when I was supposed to. And we were almost caught up. So I get through that, it came a couple days late, but it got here. That was Oct 1. Now, Nov 1 comes around, and I am STILL waiting on the money. Shawn sent it from a different post office so it got there on Oct 15th. It is long past 7-10 business days. And still nothing. I sent out the form for Oct too... usually I would get that Dec 1. WHO KNOWS when that is going to come.
I have no idea how I am supposed to be able to count on this money now. It is budgeted in. It is part of my income. I am bouncing checks, I am late on everything. I have debts to people to satisfy, and I can't!
I am hoping that I get my money from my financial aid by Friday... for cripe's sake, I just want to pay my bills... and buy light bulbs, and laundry soap. Is it so much to ask??
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
OMG...
OK, so immediately after I made my last post, I went to snuggle with the bambino... and I got a phone call. My husband was arrested. Expired tags, expired/suspended license.
Sigh.
I went yesterday and paid $64.00 to get his tags fixed. $64 is all. He could have paid that himself and at least had the possibility of not getting caught until he had the money to pay his tickets... but nope. Always squeezing the money out of me.
Friday, October 26, 2007
This is the reason...
Bumbos on tables are unsafe.
Meet the headless baby.
Now, I know she is not supposed to be in it on the table. But I still find this picture funny... and she wasn't going to fall out and crack her head open, cuz I was standing right there..
Anyway, happy halloween!
The mom of those kids called me. She has an appointment on October 31 for a new job, and will be bringing them back probably the following week. Which is good. Hopefully, they start in time for me to have enough money to buy presents for the holidays. Last year was suckalicious. I got gifts from people and I spent those gift cards, or gave the presents to other people. The only things I actually kept were items that I got after Christmas Day. If someone sent it early, I used it for someone else, because we had so little.
This year, I am going to make some goodies for people. And I am hosting Christmas Eve at my house... what was I thinking??
So keep giving the mojo for the dough dough.. because I really need something to stop the madness over here.
School is going good. Taking Microbiology, I hate the instructor, she sucks. She photocopies us notes and then reads them off. The notes contain almost no spaces, just a big block of verbiage... or garbage... whatever. And then the tests are completely void of any of the information from the notes. Kinda silly to even listen to the woman. She talks really softly, and despite my sitting in the front of the room so I can hear her [recite the useless notes], I can't.
I found out also that some of the teachers that were at our school were let go because other students thought they were too hard. I thought that was the point? I mean what does that really say about the integrity of the program. I also heard that the actual program is tougher (good!), so I don't understand why they would cheese it all up with the easy instructors, and then set people up for failure. These classes should be harder, so when we have the nursing classes, we are prepared and know how to study.
I am kind of confused by the whole thing... but that shouldn't surprise anyone. I am frequently confused.
I am finally kind of feeling better. I am sure tomorrow I will be sick again... seems to be the way.
Friday, October 19, 2007
I have no idea why I am writing...
I just feel the need to blab on like an idiot.
I hate how money is so necessary. I mean, I am busting my ass, and I feel like I am never gaining anything.
Daycare kids started, ONE of the three got put onto the case. So I can bill for one. I told the mom on Monday that I couldn't watch them until they were all on there. I just can't be stressing myself out for nothing.
I hired someone to help me, but it wasn't working out because she couldn't come when I needed her. I needed help during the evening and getting one of the kids off the bus. I also needed her to be here on Wednesdays so Shawn could go to work. He isn't going to work, so it seems extremely pointless to have her here, and paying for two people to be here, when Shawn (although not my first choice for a care giver) will suffice.
Sigh.
I have been sleeping on the couch for the last month, because it is the only place I can sleep with my back hurting when I wake up.
The toilet has overflowed into my bedroom twice in a week...
Myself and the kids have all been sick, and I have to take Janai back again...
Back to the money issues. Money isn't important... I don't want a lot of money... I want enough money to meet my current needs... which aren't over the top. I have literally cut out anything we didn't need, and honestly... if we weren't getting food stamps right now... we would have nothing.
So I could use some mojo that these kids get put on my online case. I know they are eligible, I just need this resolved so I can have enough money to pay my bills. That is all I want. So I can concentrate on mothering, and school... and daycare.
I hate how money is so necessary. I mean, I am busting my ass, and I feel like I am never gaining anything.
Daycare kids started, ONE of the three got put onto the case. So I can bill for one. I told the mom on Monday that I couldn't watch them until they were all on there. I just can't be stressing myself out for nothing.
I hired someone to help me, but it wasn't working out because she couldn't come when I needed her. I needed help during the evening and getting one of the kids off the bus. I also needed her to be here on Wednesdays so Shawn could go to work. He isn't going to work, so it seems extremely pointless to have her here, and paying for two people to be here, when Shawn (although not my first choice for a care giver) will suffice.
Sigh.
I have been sleeping on the couch for the last month, because it is the only place I can sleep with my back hurting when I wake up.
The toilet has overflowed into my bedroom twice in a week...
Myself and the kids have all been sick, and I have to take Janai back again...
Back to the money issues. Money isn't important... I don't want a lot of money... I want enough money to meet my current needs... which aren't over the top. I have literally cut out anything we didn't need, and honestly... if we weren't getting food stamps right now... we would have nothing.
So I could use some mojo that these kids get put on my online case. I know they are eligible, I just need this resolved so I can have enough money to pay my bills. That is all I want. So I can concentrate on mothering, and school... and daycare.
Monday, October 08, 2007
I am an idiot.
I took my wellbutrin twice a day instead of my antibiotic.. the pills look almost exactly the same.
So for the last 5 days, I have been edgy, anxious, aggitated, manic... I got a lot of cleaning done. I have barely slept, and I am not really tired anyhow.
I didn't notice until this morning. Last night I told Shawn that I had all these symptoms like I was manic in a manic depressive way... and couldn't figure out what I was angry about, because I wasn't angry.
Hopefully it will be out of my system soon. I don't like this feeling.
So for the last 5 days, I have been edgy, anxious, aggitated, manic... I got a lot of cleaning done. I have barely slept, and I am not really tired anyhow.
I didn't notice until this morning. Last night I told Shawn that I had all these symptoms like I was manic in a manic depressive way... and couldn't figure out what I was angry about, because I wasn't angry.
Hopefully it will be out of my system soon. I don't like this feeling.
Sunday, October 07, 2007
Really...
When a bad person dies early, people say... "Karma got him!" It is kind of insulting. LOL Bad things happen to everyone. Unless, Emerald and I are horrid wretched people.
When someone dies of cancer after leading a crappy life... it isn't karma, but biology.
Sigh.
When someone dies of cancer after leading a crappy life... it isn't karma, but biology.
Sigh.
Saturday, September 29, 2007
I hate that my kid died.
I was looking at caringbridge sites today... and I can't believe how resentful I feel when I see that someone's else's child has beat cancer. Resentful, jealous... I mean, I am happy for them. I just feel so empty for myself. Nothing can fix it.
Maybe I sound like a bitch. I am not being one. I am just expressing a feeling I have. I wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone else. Ever.
Maybe I sound like a bitch. I am not being one. I am just expressing a feeling I have. I wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone else. Ever.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Working it out.
I want to preface this by saying that I am seeing a therapist. I just want to talk about it a little and tell someone what I am going through. I understand two things about what is happening. The first being that it isn't rational, and second, that the events that I have lived through in the last 3 to 4 years would be hard on anyone, so what I am feeling is expected.
I also understand that what I am writing might be hard for anyone to read, so feel free to NOT read, and move on, it won't hurt my feelings.
Since Emerald died, I have had occasional symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder. It is to be expected, and I have dealt with it. It didn't really affect my kids or my family other than I would have a freak out and have to get it under control, once I realized what was happening.
Since last week I have had similar issues. And now I am not sleeping... and I am terrified that my baby is going to die. Until tonight, I was just kind of dealing with it, and finally tonight, I am waking up with nightmares, and when I hold Eliza, I have flashbacks of holding Keri's baby. Like I am still there, and the lines are blurred, between then and now. I would say that it is just looking at the babies that makes me feel that way, but it isn't just looking, I have looked at images of babies like Fin, stillborn. It never affected me like this. But the feel of his skin, the weight of his body in my arms. What happens to a baby or a body when it stops pumping blood, biologically. My head is trying to make sense of it all... and I feel like I am struggling to breathe through it.
I don't know what I need. I feel like in my own head, I am going crazy trying to make some sense of everything. It would be inappropriate to make this about me to my own sister because it was her baby that died, not mine. I understand that those that love me here, and other places, feel just as helpless in stopping my hurt, or getting me through this, as I do with Keri and Christian. I feel like I was moving slowly forward and now I have taken 898779 steps backward.
Then talking to Keri, she says repeatedly, that she can never compare this happening to her, to me losing Emerald, because Emerald was with me for so long. It is different. She also says that my loss and her loss of Emerald has made this "less hard" for her. That if Emerald wouldn't have died, and she wouldn't have experienced that, then she wouldn't be able to get through her loss of Fin.
I am glad, and hurt and horrified.
Anyway, I had to get up and write this all down. Some of these things are just thoughts in passing... I should say that most of my thoughts are thoughts in passing. Things I think about while I get on with living life. Not stuff I dwell on. I think that is what worries people about me. They think that I write it out and I think about just those thoughts all the time. I am so much more complex than that. When people see me and talk to me they think the opposite. They feel that I am fine, and I need nothing, because "I handle it so well." I am sure many, if not all of you, can relate to some of that.
Well, I should get back to watching my baby breathe. LOL Hopefully, I can get some sleep.
I also understand that what I am writing might be hard for anyone to read, so feel free to NOT read, and move on, it won't hurt my feelings.
Since Emerald died, I have had occasional symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder. It is to be expected, and I have dealt with it. It didn't really affect my kids or my family other than I would have a freak out and have to get it under control, once I realized what was happening.
Since last week I have had similar issues. And now I am not sleeping... and I am terrified that my baby is going to die. Until tonight, I was just kind of dealing with it, and finally tonight, I am waking up with nightmares, and when I hold Eliza, I have flashbacks of holding Keri's baby. Like I am still there, and the lines are blurred, between then and now. I would say that it is just looking at the babies that makes me feel that way, but it isn't just looking, I have looked at images of babies like Fin, stillborn. It never affected me like this. But the feel of his skin, the weight of his body in my arms. What happens to a baby or a body when it stops pumping blood, biologically. My head is trying to make sense of it all... and I feel like I am struggling to breathe through it.
I don't know what I need. I feel like in my own head, I am going crazy trying to make some sense of everything. It would be inappropriate to make this about me to my own sister because it was her baby that died, not mine. I understand that those that love me here, and other places, feel just as helpless in stopping my hurt, or getting me through this, as I do with Keri and Christian. I feel like I was moving slowly forward and now I have taken 898779 steps backward.
Then talking to Keri, she says repeatedly, that she can never compare this happening to her, to me losing Emerald, because Emerald was with me for so long. It is different. She also says that my loss and her loss of Emerald has made this "less hard" for her. That if Emerald wouldn't have died, and she wouldn't have experienced that, then she wouldn't be able to get through her loss of Fin.
I am glad, and hurt and horrified.
Anyway, I had to get up and write this all down. Some of these things are just thoughts in passing... I should say that most of my thoughts are thoughts in passing. Things I think about while I get on with living life. Not stuff I dwell on. I think that is what worries people about me. They think that I write it out and I think about just those thoughts all the time. I am so much more complex than that. When people see me and talk to me they think the opposite. They feel that I am fine, and I need nothing, because "I handle it so well." I am sure many, if not all of you, can relate to some of that.
Well, I should get back to watching my baby breathe. LOL Hopefully, I can get some sleep.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Wow... what a week.
My sister delivered her baby preterm. We found out today the strain of bacteria she had, and it was listeria. Which totally sucks. He was a big healthy 26 week fetus, and in a matter of hours, he was dead, she had to deliver him, because he was so big, and she was so far along. My heart just breaks for her and her husband.
I have found that despite my having lived through losing my own child, I am of no help to her. She has to go through this herself. I can't shelter her, and worse yet, I can barely deal with it. I was emotionally invested in her pregnancy. We both were pregnant at the same time, I helped her chart... I was the first person she told, even before her dh. I am useless to her, until I can find a way to deal with all my feelings about this.
Curtis Finian Collison was born Sept 21st, 2007 at 5:00 am. He was 2lbs and 6 oz, and 14.5 inches long. He looked just like his dad. My sister Keri handled herself in labor like a champ. Even with her fever and being sick, she did well, and had him naturally, just as she had planned.
I am glad that they caught the infection before it hurt Keri further. I could be grieving my sister, as well as my nephew and that would have just been the worse thing ever.
I have found that despite my having lived through losing my own child, I am of no help to her. She has to go through this herself. I can't shelter her, and worse yet, I can barely deal with it. I was emotionally invested in her pregnancy. We both were pregnant at the same time, I helped her chart... I was the first person she told, even before her dh. I am useless to her, until I can find a way to deal with all my feelings about this.
Curtis Finian Collison was born Sept 21st, 2007 at 5:00 am. He was 2lbs and 6 oz, and 14.5 inches long. He looked just like his dad. My sister Keri handled herself in labor like a champ. Even with her fever and being sick, she did well, and had him naturally, just as she had planned.
I am glad that they caught the infection before it hurt Keri further. I could be grieving my sister, as well as my nephew and that would have just been the worse thing ever.
Saturday, September 15, 2007
Can't sleep.
For the last couple days, I have been unable to sleep. I can't put a finger on the stressor either. Money issues aren't resolved, but I feel ok about it, and I found someone to watch my kids while I go to school, but even though I am nervous, that isn't either.
Shawn will wake me up when he gets into bed around 3-4 am... and then I can't sleep.
It sucks.
Anyhow.... I recently applied for welfare... foodstamps, medicaid, and daycare help, to be specific. We got approved, and they tell you to keep the cards if you are ever on public assistance, so they don't have to send them out again. I only lost one card... Pie's. So I have to wait for them to reissue it. I kept my food stamp card, and even though the case goes back until the 13th of August, I have to wait for them to send me a NEW CARD before I can even use the food stamps. So we are trying to live off the food we have, knowing that I have money coming just for food. It is getting on my nerves, maybe that is what the stress is. I really just want to be able to go shopping, and fill my cupboards and freezer and have one less thing to worry about.
Oh well.
I got a snap press so I can make diapers that snap instead of using velcro. I have to adjust my pattern now though to accommodate the snaps. I didn't realize what the issues were going to be before I made my first diaper with snaps, and now that I see... well... duh. LOL I can fix the diaper I made, but while it will be functional, it will be sort of like those shirts from the Michael Jackson-Thriller days, with all the zippers... but with snaps instead. Not quite the same affect. LOL Just snaps randomly placed all over the diaper...
I start school on Thursday. 6 weeks of Composition 2, and then 6 weeks of Algebra. WHILE taking Microbiology... in which I need all A's. After classes are finished, I think... "what the hell was I worried about..." but before that I get all nervous about it. I certainly don't want to fail. I don't want to look like a dumb ass, especially since I act like a know-it-all most of the time, LOL. And with Shawn starting school too, I feel like I have to compete with him.
Speaking of Shawn... I found a therapist that deals with families that have members that have high IQ's. Now I know that Shawn had said that he was looking for someone who dealt with that, and me... just looking for a therapist for our marriage, found someone first try, and they are going to waive all our co-pays, so that isn't a consideration anymore either. No real excuses not to go. I am not taking any meds due to breastfeeding, so I really need someone to talk to. I can't talk to Shawn... he isn't a good sounding board, and I hate bothering my friends, because well.. they have their own issues to deal with. I never realised how many people just lived in their shitty, non satisfying relationships. Shit, I don't want to die not being satisfied, and feeling like I gyped myself of being treated kindly, with respect.
We will see how that all goes. Hopefully with Shawn working with this guy, Shawn can get some self worth for himself. Going to school will help him, I think, so long as he doesn't turn it around and start treating me like I am stupid, because he has a verifiable higher than mine IQ. He tends to act like he is better than everyone else, me included.
Anyway, that is all for now. I think I am going to watch some TV. I tend to fall asleep better if the TV is at least on.
Friday, September 14, 2007
Why do I always feel like the last to know?
My niece got married. I found out from her myspace.
I am still confused as to why no one would mention it, but what are you going to do?
No one tells me when someone dies until after the funeral either. I just don't get it.
I am still confused as to why no one would mention it, but what are you going to do?
No one tells me when someone dies until after the funeral either. I just don't get it.
Sunday, September 09, 2007
My pickle... trying to work things out...
So we moved to this house last year, we had every intention of actually purchasing it from the man that currently holds the title.
Then we had some financial difficulties and my credit went into the crapper. Shawn's was always there so that didn't change, although, his is more easily fixable at this point.
Then came Janai who was supposed to be temporary and now will be permanent. A surprise adoption, that I didn't know could even happen!
Then came Eliza, the sweet, who was unplanned, but completely wanted.
So our family situation has changed as well. A family of 4 became a family of 6 in a year's time. (We are actually a family of 7, because of Emerald!)
Anyway, so now not only doesn't the house suit our needs, but at the same time, we have some serious issues that can only be fixed with money... and time. The man who holds the title (R), had us sign an agreement that we would secure a mortgage by December, that isn't happening. If we pay off Shawn's debts, and wait a year, we will be eligible for a FHA loan. There is no good reason for us to try for a mortgage earlier than that. We would save thousands doing it this way. We would save money the down payment. So we could stay here longer if R would let us, but, it would cost us more. When we extended our contract for 6 more months, he raised our "rent" by $400 a month. This has been really trying for us. I am working my ass off for nothing, we can't do anything fun EVER... I can barely afford food right now, and I am good with money.
Honestly, my plan currently is: Move to rental. Wait for credit problems to clear up. Secure mortgage on new house. Move in there. 18 month-2 year plan.
So the upsides are:
-More money each month.
-Possibly more space.
-House better suited.
-Closer to preschooling with bussing.
-Less stress.
-Will be able to get both our credit situations back on track.
-We aren't tied to a mortgage yet, so we don't have to SELL our existing property to move.
Downsides:
-Have to move.
-Will be breaking the contract with R.
-Open a new daycare license again (but still have the same kids, so it might be a wash)
-Will lose money we put down here.
Does anyone have anything to add that I am not thinking about? I hesitate to make decisions because I don't have a good sounding board for my concerns. Shawn isn't exactly the thinking it out type. He thinks of one thing, and decides based on... whatever criteria...
Right now, I am wishing we never had moved out of our trailer... not that it matters, it didn't fit us either, but now we have a whole extra move in here that we didn't need. Although, some good might have come from it, not really sure what that is... but yeah..
Then we had some financial difficulties and my credit went into the crapper. Shawn's was always there so that didn't change, although, his is more easily fixable at this point.
Then came Janai who was supposed to be temporary and now will be permanent. A surprise adoption, that I didn't know could even happen!
Then came Eliza, the sweet, who was unplanned, but completely wanted.
So our family situation has changed as well. A family of 4 became a family of 6 in a year's time. (We are actually a family of 7, because of Emerald!)
Anyway, so now not only doesn't the house suit our needs, but at the same time, we have some serious issues that can only be fixed with money... and time. The man who holds the title (R), had us sign an agreement that we would secure a mortgage by December, that isn't happening. If we pay off Shawn's debts, and wait a year, we will be eligible for a FHA loan. There is no good reason for us to try for a mortgage earlier than that. We would save thousands doing it this way. We would save money the down payment. So we could stay here longer if R would let us, but, it would cost us more. When we extended our contract for 6 more months, he raised our "rent" by $400 a month. This has been really trying for us. I am working my ass off for nothing, we can't do anything fun EVER... I can barely afford food right now, and I am good with money.
Honestly, my plan currently is: Move to rental. Wait for credit problems to clear up. Secure mortgage on new house. Move in there. 18 month-2 year plan.
So the upsides are:
-More money each month.
-Possibly more space.
-House better suited.
-Closer to preschooling with bussing.
-Less stress.
-Will be able to get both our credit situations back on track.
-We aren't tied to a mortgage yet, so we don't have to SELL our existing property to move.
Downsides:
-Have to move.
-Will be breaking the contract with R.
-Open a new daycare license again (but still have the same kids, so it might be a wash)
-Will lose money we put down here.
Does anyone have anything to add that I am not thinking about? I hesitate to make decisions because I don't have a good sounding board for my concerns. Shawn isn't exactly the thinking it out type. He thinks of one thing, and decides based on... whatever criteria...
Right now, I am wishing we never had moved out of our trailer... not that it matters, it didn't fit us either, but now we have a whole extra move in here that we didn't need. Although, some good might have come from it, not really sure what that is... but yeah..
Monday, September 03, 2007
Signs
Emerald was adamant that she would never send me signs.
She didn't want to scare me she said.
Perhaps she will change her mind. I have had a dream of her, where she had me wheel her into the living room. She said she needed to pee, so she had me head toward the bathroom. She put her feet down to stop the chair and then she got up and walked to the bathroom herself. She has been practising walking and wanted to surprise me.
I think it was a sign that she was moving forward from where SHE was, ready to let go of this life and reach for the next, where ever she is.
I don't think it had anything to do with me, other than she wanted to show me.
She didn't want to scare me she said.
Perhaps she will change her mind. I have had a dream of her, where she had me wheel her into the living room. She said she needed to pee, so she had me head toward the bathroom. She put her feet down to stop the chair and then she got up and walked to the bathroom herself. She has been practising walking and wanted to surprise me.
I think it was a sign that she was moving forward from where SHE was, ready to let go of this life and reach for the next, where ever she is.
I don't think it had anything to do with me, other than she wanted to show me.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Nursing in public... and Applebees.
This is from a list I am on, I wanted to pass it on. I think I would be really upset if this had happened to me.
On June 14th (my anniversary) a few of my children (I have 8) tookJust wanted to pass this on. I think we need to be able to feed our children when they need to eat.
me to Applebee's for lunch. For my own privacy I asked for the
corner booth. I sat facing into the corner not facing the room. My
then 7 month old baby boy needed to nurse so we did. A server
(Jessica Balswick) came to me and stated that the manager asked her
to come speak to me because she was a female. She said the manager
said if we wanted to breastfeed we had to cover the baby's head with
a blanket. I told her since it was hot out that I didn't have a
blanket. She reiterated so I stopped nursing and asked to speak
with the manager. As we waited the baby cried so I passed him
across the table to my oldest son (almost 18 yrs old) so he could
help comfort his as I was a bit shook up. The baby was inconsolable
so I told my son to take him to the van and I would come to nurse
him as soon as I spoke with the manager. When the manager (Justin
Arnolds) came I handed him a copy of the KRS 211.755 law that I keep
in my diaper bag. I said "I would like you to educate yourself and
your employees of this law that protects breastfeeding mothers." He
handed it back to me after glancing over it and said "I know but
somebody complained it was indecent exposure so you have to cover
the baby with a blanket if you want to breastfeed here". I again
held out the paper saying "look at part 3 of the law, it says no
person shall interfere with a woman breastfeeding her child". He
said the same exact thing as before "I know but somebody complained
it was indecent exposure so you have to cover the baby with a
blanket if you need to breastfeed here." At that exact moment our
server came back with our meal and I said "We can not eat this
because I have to go breastfeed my baby." As I exited the hostess
asked what was wrong and I told her very briefly and said "I don't
see anyone else eating under a blanket in here."
I went to the van, nursed my baby, cried, and called my local LLL
leader Karen. She told me to get the manager and servers name. She
gave me names and addresses of people I needed to let know about
this incident.
Our lawyer wrote a letter on June 27, 2007 to Applebee's restaurant
(4009 Nicholasville Rd., Applebee's Corporate Headquarters 249 E
Main St. (Mike Scanlon) The Lexington-Fayette County Health Dept.
(Doraine Bailey), The KY Breastfeeding Promotion Coordinator (Becky
Derifield) and the LLL Karen Brown.
The letter was ignored.
Our lawyer wrote another letter on July 25, 2007.
On August 3, 2007 Thomas & King, Inc. Legal Department finally
responded. Mr Jonathan R. Weatherby, Jr. Associate General Counsel
wrote "we regret that Ms. Ryan left without being served and would
like the opportunity to personally invite her to return" .... "we
are also considering keeping blankets in the restaurants for use by
breast-feeding mothers that may not have them readily available as a
result of this incident."
My husband gasped when he read this response. They just don't get
it. It is like saying "Rosa Parks still has to sit at the back of
the bus but we will give her a pillow so she is comfortable back
there."
My midwife suggested I speak with the Senator that spearheaded
getting the KRS211.755 law. I left a message for Senator Tom Buford
and the next day he called me back. I asked him what recourse I
had. He said "If you take them to small claims court you could get
up to $1,500.00" .... "if you take them to a higher court you may
not even get enough to cover your legal fees." I told the Senator
I was not interested in money. I want things to change. I want
public attention on this cause. I have daughters that will someday
breastfeed. I want action not money. I told Senator Buford about
my nurse in/out idea and he thought it sounded great. In fact he
said "let me know the date and I will come by and support you" ....
he also said "hold a sign up saying -small children are not allowed
to eat in this restaurant." I said "can I quote you on that" and he
said "yes!" Senator Buford said "next time any one does this tell
them to call the police and get a police report written up on it."
Since August is "World Breastfeeding Awareness Month" I am having
one nurse-out at the Fayette Mall just to raise awareness. This is
not in any way to attack the mall .... it is just a place to hang
out at. I am late arranging this so it will not actually be in
August but then again what is one day. It will be September 1st.
The second event is actually to draw attention to Applebee's
restaurant. Friends and supporters will decorate posters and
display them for all to see.
I will paste a copy of the flyer for each of the two events here for
all to copy and share.
NURSE-IN
Fayette Mall Lexington KY
Childrens Play Area
Saturday, September 1, 2007
1 pm until 3 pm
Celebrate World Breastfeeding Awareness Month
Please join us for a local "awareness raising" event.
Look for this universal Breastfeeding symbol.
NURSE-OUT
SPEAK-OUT
Applebee's violated KRS 211.755
Educate Lexington that KY law protects public
breastfeeding and mothers should never be
asked to move, hide, cover up, or leave.
Decorate posters and display them
at a peaceful Nurse-Out.
THEME: Breastfeeding in public is Legal
DATE: Saturday, September 8, 2007
TIME: 12 pm to 2 pm
(in case of rain date 9/22/07)
LOCATION: 4009 Nicholasville Road
Lexington KY
On the public sidewalk
in front of Applebee's
Exercise caution and do not block the right of way.
News crews will be reporting.
Do not park in Applebee's parking lot!
I hope everyone can pass this on to as many as possible.
Every "quotation" is in the exact wording.
I am also willing to share copies of the actual correspondence
between our lawyer and Applebee's.
Even if you do not live in KY please share this with everyone
because Applebee's is nation wide.
Thank you for your support,
Brooke Ryan
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Laptops/Kids/Water... fun times.
My foster daughter put water on my laptop. I turned it off immediately, and let it dry out for a week. After what I did with my old cell phone, it was the smart thing to do. I washed that cell phone and when I turned it on to see if it still worked, without drying it out, it fried itself before my eyes.
Now I know.
But the keyboard is still effed up. In a bad way. You can barely understand what I type. So now I have to compete with the 5 yo for the desktop computer and figure out how to get the laptop fixed. Said 5 yo says to me today... "can't you use YOUR computer?" News flash kid: Both of them are mine. Mine, mine... all mine.
I was happy to share until I was doing some kid related task and no one could protect my computer. *L* Now, there is no sharing.
Now I know.
But the keyboard is still effed up. In a bad way. You can barely understand what I type. So now I have to compete with the 5 yo for the desktop computer and figure out how to get the laptop fixed. Said 5 yo says to me today... "can't you use YOUR computer?" News flash kid: Both of them are mine. Mine, mine... all mine.
I was happy to share until I was doing some kid related task and no one could protect my computer. *L* Now, there is no sharing.
Monday, August 20, 2007
Sigh...
OK, so I really don't think I am paranoid. I applied for foodstamps and help with daycare while I go to school. We make little enough currently until, I can find some new daycare kids that fit in with our family. I called my mom and asked her if she might want to watch the kids one day a week for 10 weeks. She said that she didn't want to. I was going to pay her to spend time with her grand kids. She said no. She makes out like she has all this stuff to do. Let me tell ya. She doesn't. It is her and my dad. Even if my dad gives her stuff to do during the day, it CAN'T be more than what I have to do here. More than she had to take care of when we were little and she had 5 kids to take care of? She won't even stop by to visit with the kids for 20 minutes every now and again. My parents have never watched my kids over night (minus Emerald) and won't even watch them very occasionally. We are talking in 5 years. She did watch them once a week for 2 hours for 4 weeks last Oct/Nov. But generally just won't have anything to do with them... or me.
We went to Keri's inlaw's for a get together, and she didn't even hold Eliza. Everyone held her, except my mom. She wants nothing to do with me. I sat by her, she didn't even say one word to me.
I pay for her cell phone bill, I call to make sure they are alive. I do call to ask about how to cook things... and chit chat, but she says that I only call because I want something from her. She is right, I do. I want her to be a mom, and a grandma. I never expect people to watch my kids all the time. My ex inlaws would get upset because I didn't let them see Emerald all the time. I had her because I wanted kids, and I take responsibility for them. It isn't like I want someone to watch them while I go out and party... it isn't even for a break. It is so I can go to school. So I can do something with myself.
Honestly, I think that as soon as I have a chance I am going to move as far away from them as I can. My friend Amy even noticed that my family doesn't talk to me WHEN THEY ARE AT MY HOUSE!
Oh and happy birthday to Amy. After talking to my mom on the phone last night, I was so upset that I went to bed and forgot to call. :( I suck. I am sorry.
OK, so after thinking about it, I can see that it isn't just me. My parents never watched my brother Gerry's kids either. Not just mine. Not mine, not his. But both Kelly and Jim's kids, and they each have one, and are the "favored" kid.
Keri is lucky that her dh is a decent guy with a good family. Her kids won't miss out on having grandparents when ours flake out and ignore hers too.
We went to Keri's inlaw's for a get together, and she didn't even hold Eliza. Everyone held her, except my mom. She wants nothing to do with me. I sat by her, she didn't even say one word to me.
I pay for her cell phone bill, I call to make sure they are alive. I do call to ask about how to cook things... and chit chat, but she says that I only call because I want something from her. She is right, I do. I want her to be a mom, and a grandma. I never expect people to watch my kids all the time. My ex inlaws would get upset because I didn't let them see Emerald all the time. I had her because I wanted kids, and I take responsibility for them. It isn't like I want someone to watch them while I go out and party... it isn't even for a break. It is so I can go to school. So I can do something with myself.
Honestly, I think that as soon as I have a chance I am going to move as far away from them as I can. My friend Amy even noticed that my family doesn't talk to me WHEN THEY ARE AT MY HOUSE!
Oh and happy birthday to Amy. After talking to my mom on the phone last night, I was so upset that I went to bed and forgot to call. :( I suck. I am sorry.
OK, so after thinking about it, I can see that it isn't just me. My parents never watched my brother Gerry's kids either. Not just mine. Not mine, not his. But both Kelly and Jim's kids, and they each have one, and are the "favored" kid.
Keri is lucky that her dh is a decent guy with a good family. Her kids won't miss out on having grandparents when ours flake out and ignore hers too.
Thursday, August 09, 2007
I feel like I want to throw up.
My husband thinks I am heartless. I am not. We had 2 cats, Wyatt and Cecelia. We got them, with the deal that Emerald would take care of them, with Shawn to back her up. That hasn't happened. Well, obviously Emerald can't take care of them, she isn't here to do that... but Shawn was barely doing his job with them. They started peeing all over my basement. The whole place reeked of cat pee. I couldn't stand it, and I felt like my other stuff, Emerald's stuff, her old clothes and toys would get ruined because of the cats. I just couldn't live that way. I tried threats to get him to understand that they needed to be taken care of daily, or twice a day. He just couldn't do it. In his defense, he works a lot, he will be going to school soon, there just wasn't time in our day for the cats, kids, work, school, dog... etc.
So the lady, Marie, picked them up today. Anya cried. Shawn said she was hysterical when they got picked up, and she has been making cards to them ever since.
Marie seemed really nice. She wanted both the cats, and that was a priority for me. They are beautiful. With them gone, part of Emerald left too. I hurts me. I am sad. But it will be easier here for us. A tiny bit more time for each other. Less to argue about. That is worth something too. After all, we are still here.
So the lady, Marie, picked them up today. Anya cried. Shawn said she was hysterical when they got picked up, and she has been making cards to them ever since.
Marie seemed really nice. She wanted both the cats, and that was a priority for me. They are beautiful. With them gone, part of Emerald left too. I hurts me. I am sad. But it will be easier here for us. A tiny bit more time for each other. Less to argue about. That is worth something too. After all, we are still here.
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
I had an interview scheduled.
But she just called to cancel. I am disappointed, but can't help but think that maybe there will just be something better around the corner... If I could find another kid for during the day, that would be best, and give me and my kids some sense of normalcy.
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
Well, so I really did it.
That daycare mom had paid me after she realised I wouldn't back down. So I let her stay on. Things were going pretty well. Until she called me yesterday and said that they wouldn't be back until after labor day because she can't afford my rates. But after labor day she still won't be able to afford my rates because she wants to pay even less than what it would cost for the two of them. So if I let her stay and come back after labor day I am just looking at more of this same bullshit.
No way. I told her that she wasn't coming back after labor day. That's it. I am done.
I think she thinks I am going to back down, but I am not. I told her that I love children, but not so much that I wanted to watch hers for free. She said then that she thought maybe I shouldn't do childcare. WTF? How does that make any sense. She is a nurse, so by her criteria, shouldn't she want to be with patients constantly?? Egotistical bitch this woman is.
It is a shame really, I love her kids.
I swear she believes that because she adopted them, she deserves special treatment in life. She doesn't. She is supposed to be the one giving out the special treatment to the kids, she isn't supposed to be the one getting it...
And I realised something else. Every time I have opened my house to weekend parents I have gotten nothing but grief. One mom complained when I took 2 days off for the entire MONTH. When Emerald got sick, she brought her children anyhow, with no regard for my kid being in the hospital, and me going through dealing with it. The last mom I had here, owes me 3 K in childcare payments. I had to send her to collections. Never should have gotten that out of control, but I felt sorry for her when the state kept turning her down. Now this broad. Why she feels it necessary to take food out of my kid's mouths while hers goes and does all sorts of fun "camps" all summer I will never know. Paying me less than $2/hour is unacceptable. I pay teenagers more than that to watch my kids.
I decided that I am going to make a go at photography. I still have my 2 daycare kids, I will take a couple more if they are week kids. For now, I can do on location shoots, and limited studio stuff, as I only have so many back drops and props.
Going to write a business plan to get it all going.
No way. I told her that she wasn't coming back after labor day. That's it. I am done.
I think she thinks I am going to back down, but I am not. I told her that I love children, but not so much that I wanted to watch hers for free. She said then that she thought maybe I shouldn't do childcare. WTF? How does that make any sense. She is a nurse, so by her criteria, shouldn't she want to be with patients constantly?? Egotistical bitch this woman is.
It is a shame really, I love her kids.
I swear she believes that because she adopted them, she deserves special treatment in life. She doesn't. She is supposed to be the one giving out the special treatment to the kids, she isn't supposed to be the one getting it...
And I realised something else. Every time I have opened my house to weekend parents I have gotten nothing but grief. One mom complained when I took 2 days off for the entire MONTH. When Emerald got sick, she brought her children anyhow, with no regard for my kid being in the hospital, and me going through dealing with it. The last mom I had here, owes me 3 K in childcare payments. I had to send her to collections. Never should have gotten that out of control, but I felt sorry for her when the state kept turning her down. Now this broad. Why she feels it necessary to take food out of my kid's mouths while hers goes and does all sorts of fun "camps" all summer I will never know. Paying me less than $2/hour is unacceptable. I pay teenagers more than that to watch my kids.
I decided that I am going to make a go at photography. I still have my 2 daycare kids, I will take a couple more if they are week kids. For now, I can do on location shoots, and limited studio stuff, as I only have so many back drops and props.
Going to write a business plan to get it all going.
Monday, August 06, 2007
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Locks of Love
I donated my hair yesterday. It was almost to my waist. Now it is just above my shoulders in the back... Now I get to grow it out again, right about the time I graduate from nursing school, should I be able to get it cut again. :)
My sister, Keri, cut it. Anya says it reminds her of Emerald, because my hair was about this length when I last saw Emerald.
Friday, July 27, 2007
Cloth Diapering...
I decided to cloth diaper our baby before she was born. When I told people, the response I got was "Ewww". I guess I thought that at first too. I had no idea how to fold a diaper either. But it turns out that is the easiest thing ever to learn. I thought I would go through more laundry, because she would more easily wet through her clothes, or worse yet... poop. But nope. I have to change her a bit more often, but let me tell you... the diapers hold in more poo than you would believe. My wonderful dd is a once a day goer... she goes a little now and again, but from the start, she went only once a day or sometimes less. So when she goes, it is explosive. The type that goes up the back of the shirt... disposables would NEVER be able to contain this mess. But cloth, I can make them custom fit.
I started out making these fancy all in one diapers. A cover, and insides stuck together like a disposable, that you wash (obviously). They are cute, I like them enough, and they are super easy for my dh to deal with. But you change the whole thing every time. So if I get a cute diaper to match her outfit, I know it is only going to last about an hour, maybe two, before I need a new one, and then it might not match. Petty thing to worry about, but I have time... LOL So I started making the insides separate from the cover. Fitted diaper inside, and cover over that. That solved the problem, but they take a while to dry and I have worries about making sure the insides are clean all the way through. So I started using prefolds inside a cover. They wash easily, dry throughly and fast... but they moved around when she started getting squirmier. So I bought a snappie. This is a rubber thing with little grabbers. Easier than pins. I love them. Now I can use flat diapers too. The only problem is that other people are afraid of the prefolds and snappie combo. They think it is hard to deal with. My sister hates the idea that she has to dump the poop out. But you are supposed to dump it in the toilet either way, rather than sending it encased in plastic to a land fill, besides it smells less in the toilet. LOL
I think I am going to attempt to make some pocket fitted diapers. Supposed to be quick drying, and easy. I can put a fabric next to her bottom to keep her even drier.
I never thought there were so many choices. In fact, it can be as easy or as hard as you want to make it... AND I feel like I am doing something good, and saving money to boot. Although, I am not addicted to buying diaper fabrics. LOL
I started out making these fancy all in one diapers. A cover, and insides stuck together like a disposable, that you wash (obviously). They are cute, I like them enough, and they are super easy for my dh to deal with. But you change the whole thing every time. So if I get a cute diaper to match her outfit, I know it is only going to last about an hour, maybe two, before I need a new one, and then it might not match. Petty thing to worry about, but I have time... LOL So I started making the insides separate from the cover. Fitted diaper inside, and cover over that. That solved the problem, but they take a while to dry and I have worries about making sure the insides are clean all the way through. So I started using prefolds inside a cover. They wash easily, dry throughly and fast... but they moved around when she started getting squirmier. So I bought a snappie. This is a rubber thing with little grabbers. Easier than pins. I love them. Now I can use flat diapers too. The only problem is that other people are afraid of the prefolds and snappie combo. They think it is hard to deal with. My sister hates the idea that she has to dump the poop out. But you are supposed to dump it in the toilet either way, rather than sending it encased in plastic to a land fill, besides it smells less in the toilet. LOL
I think I am going to attempt to make some pocket fitted diapers. Supposed to be quick drying, and easy. I can put a fabric next to her bottom to keep her even drier.
I never thought there were so many choices. In fact, it can be as easy or as hard as you want to make it... AND I feel like I am doing something good, and saving money to boot. Although, I am not addicted to buying diaper fabrics. LOL
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Well, gotta fire a client.
This woman is ballsy. I can't deal with her anymore. I really like her kids, but enough is enough. She wants me to do childcare for $500 a month, unlimited amount of hours for two kids, one under 2. No freaking way. It doesn't matter how much you cry about it, it isn't happening. I will be damned if I am going to do daycare for her kids for less than what I would pay a teenager.
FFS.
She owes me 580 as of today that was after she gave me $476.00 yesterday, I am going to tell her that I can't do it anymore. It is stressing me out, and I can't deal with it anymore.
FFS.
She owes me 580 as of today that was after she gave me $476.00 yesterday, I am going to tell her that I can't do it anymore. It is stressing me out, and I can't deal with it anymore.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
I think of her all the time...
Tonight walking out of school, out of no where it hits me. I think... as I chuckle to myself... "what a little brat."
I had on my glasses, and I could see glare from the lights, but everything was clear, unlike when I don't wear my glasses, and suddenly I begin to think of Emerald when she got glasses. She got glasses because she was suddenly unable to see, the board at school. After a while those glasses didn't work either... and we went and she got an entirely different prescription. I remember thinking it was the doctors fault, but it wasn't. I *had* to do with the tumor, because eventually she didn't need them at all! I even thought she was faking and wanted glasses, but she wouldn't wear them, so I know that wasn't it!
But I digress, because she was my kid... my very favorite person in the whole world, of course, I got her the glasses with all the stuff she needed. Light weight lenses, anti-glare coating. She kept rubbing it in my face that she got no glare when she wore hers, but she knew that I did have glare because I would always complain about it. I never did take as good care of myself as I did her.
Anyway, now whenever I see glare, I think of her making fun of me... or gloating rather that she had something cool that I didn't.
Anyway, nothing I needed to mention, just something I wanted to remember.
I had on my glasses, and I could see glare from the lights, but everything was clear, unlike when I don't wear my glasses, and suddenly I begin to think of Emerald when she got glasses. She got glasses because she was suddenly unable to see, the board at school. After a while those glasses didn't work either... and we went and she got an entirely different prescription. I remember thinking it was the doctors fault, but it wasn't. I *had* to do with the tumor, because eventually she didn't need them at all! I even thought she was faking and wanted glasses, but she wouldn't wear them, so I know that wasn't it!
But I digress, because she was my kid... my very favorite person in the whole world, of course, I got her the glasses with all the stuff she needed. Light weight lenses, anti-glare coating. She kept rubbing it in my face that she got no glare when she wore hers, but she knew that I did have glare because I would always complain about it. I never did take as good care of myself as I did her.
Anyway, now whenever I see glare, I think of her making fun of me... or gloating rather that she had something cool that I didn't.
Anyway, nothing I needed to mention, just something I wanted to remember.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Driving along today, I am just rambling...
While I was on my way home from school today, I was looking down the road. I noticed that because I drive this way all the time, I never look far ahead anymore. Only when I am in unfamiliar territory do I really look ahead, or even at the scenery as it goes by. I thought of how when you are looking ahead it looks like you might be headed somewhere else. Somewhere new, but as you get to it, it is still the same place. Nothing has changed.
I was thinking of how my life is like that. I drive this same road every day. I wake up and do the same things, I look ahead, but it always seems to same, so I stopped looking past a certain point. I stopped looking at the things around me... in my life. My friends, how I define myself, and have continued to make the same assumptions that I did 6 months ago.
But things aren't the same, and they don't have to be the same at any given moment. I can choose to change how I look at it. I can decide that I am going to live my life to be in the future, instead of just getting by each day. I want to see my kids grow up, and become adults, I WANT to support them the way that I wish that I had been supported the past couple of years. My future isn't what it was. It might not even be what I thought it was going to be. Any day something could change. It might be something I have no control over, like a brain tumor, or it could be just because I looked ahead and didn't like where I was going. I can even mull over the similarities of where I am going and how it looks like some place else I have been. It is all mine, this life.
I was thinking of how my life is like that. I drive this same road every day. I wake up and do the same things, I look ahead, but it always seems to same, so I stopped looking past a certain point. I stopped looking at the things around me... in my life. My friends, how I define myself, and have continued to make the same assumptions that I did 6 months ago.
But things aren't the same, and they don't have to be the same at any given moment. I can choose to change how I look at it. I can decide that I am going to live my life to be in the future, instead of just getting by each day. I want to see my kids grow up, and become adults, I WANT to support them the way that I wish that I had been supported the past couple of years. My future isn't what it was. It might not even be what I thought it was going to be. Any day something could change. It might be something I have no control over, like a brain tumor, or it could be just because I looked ahead and didn't like where I was going. I can even mull over the similarities of where I am going and how it looks like some place else I have been. It is all mine, this life.
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
Maybe you want to rethink the discount....
I understand that everyone is looking to save a buck. I really do. But let's consider what happens when you do this with your daycare provider. First, I will preempt this with... I do not give lesser service to those that pay less. I mean it isn't the kids fault the parent don't "get it". But it would be nice to run across more parents that have an appreciation for what I do.
I have had two parent this week complain about things. Not my care for the kids... but rather what I don't have. I don't have central air turned on every day. If it will be over 90 for more than 2 days, I will turn it on, but unless that is the case, we won't. I started to live by this philosophy that if you can't afford your bill as it is, then you don't go making it double just for your comfort. So we do without. All of us. My kids too.
I also never answer my phone. I don't have caller ID. I have an answering machine, that screens my calls. Couple of reasons for that. Bill Collector. He always calls and I will be damned if I am going to run to the phone to talk to someone I can't pay. And the other, I am usually busy with the kids. How many times have I run out of the bathroom with a half naked baby, because I was changing a diaper and the phone rang. Sometimes it is "Bill"... and sometimes it is a hang up. So I started just letting the machine get it. If they can leave me a message, then all the better. I don't have to get up at all. Now, one mom complained that I don't have caller ID. Well, I can't afford caller ID. If I am screening my calls from Bill, then perhaps I should save that money that I would spend on caller ID on something else. Plus, you want a discount.
They tell me that I make a lot of money doing this daycare business. And I make a fair share, I guess. But let's factor in that I have 4 kids of my own now. So limits how many kids I can have, and therefore how much money I can potentially make. If you bring your child for 15 hours a day... then I only get the daily rate of $30. So that makes my time worth about $2/hour. If you are say (let's just say...) a nurse, and you are making $25/hour, and my cut of your time is $2/hour. And I don't get over time... then it isn't like I am raking in a bunch of cash. In fact, my house is getting trashed, kids wreck my stuff all the time, eat all my food... and so on. I replace stuff. I have to feed the kids... I have to buy stuff to entertain, and clean and all that. My air if on, has to run all day. I can't set it for only when I am home, I am always home. My water bill is higher... everything is higher.
You want a discount on your childcare... don't expect me to do the things that you will get at a large center. Projects, fun field trips... all things I would like to do. With my kids as well. But we can't. Because those things cost money. You want your kids to have a variety of fresh foods, fruits and veggies, every day... then those things cost money. Cutting $25/week per kid is going to make a difference in that stuff. It really will.
And that is just the financial aspect of it. If you are home with your kid, and you want these things for your children, you buy them. You enjoy fun activities with your kids. You want them to have fun when they are with me. Great! Me too. But I can't afford it on the discounted rate that I gave you in order to get your business.
Your child will be equally safe with me. But you really do get what you pay for. I hope someone can see that.
I have had two parent this week complain about things. Not my care for the kids... but rather what I don't have. I don't have central air turned on every day. If it will be over 90 for more than 2 days, I will turn it on, but unless that is the case, we won't. I started to live by this philosophy that if you can't afford your bill as it is, then you don't go making it double just for your comfort. So we do without. All of us. My kids too.
I also never answer my phone. I don't have caller ID. I have an answering machine, that screens my calls. Couple of reasons for that. Bill Collector. He always calls and I will be damned if I am going to run to the phone to talk to someone I can't pay. And the other, I am usually busy with the kids. How many times have I run out of the bathroom with a half naked baby, because I was changing a diaper and the phone rang. Sometimes it is "Bill"... and sometimes it is a hang up. So I started just letting the machine get it. If they can leave me a message, then all the better. I don't have to get up at all. Now, one mom complained that I don't have caller ID. Well, I can't afford caller ID. If I am screening my calls from Bill, then perhaps I should save that money that I would spend on caller ID on something else. Plus, you want a discount.
They tell me that I make a lot of money doing this daycare business. And I make a fair share, I guess. But let's factor in that I have 4 kids of my own now. So limits how many kids I can have, and therefore how much money I can potentially make. If you bring your child for 15 hours a day... then I only get the daily rate of $30. So that makes my time worth about $2/hour. If you are say (let's just say...) a nurse, and you are making $25/hour, and my cut of your time is $2/hour. And I don't get over time... then it isn't like I am raking in a bunch of cash. In fact, my house is getting trashed, kids wreck my stuff all the time, eat all my food... and so on. I replace stuff. I have to feed the kids... I have to buy stuff to entertain, and clean and all that. My air if on, has to run all day. I can't set it for only when I am home, I am always home. My water bill is higher... everything is higher.
You want a discount on your childcare... don't expect me to do the things that you will get at a large center. Projects, fun field trips... all things I would like to do. With my kids as well. But we can't. Because those things cost money. You want your kids to have a variety of fresh foods, fruits and veggies, every day... then those things cost money. Cutting $25/week per kid is going to make a difference in that stuff. It really will.
And that is just the financial aspect of it. If you are home with your kid, and you want these things for your children, you buy them. You enjoy fun activities with your kids. You want them to have fun when they are with me. Great! Me too. But I can't afford it on the discounted rate that I gave you in order to get your business.
Your child will be equally safe with me. But you really do get what you pay for. I hope someone can see that.
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
I had my baby...
Eliza Imogene was born on May 14th. (8lbs 8oz, and 20 inches long) She is a great little baby, and I am trying to take time to enjoy her.
Lots of things have been going on... I am just too tired to post about. I am feeling a bit of the baby blues I think... either that or of the cold hard reality which is my life... hard to really tell at this point.Here is my birth story... I copied and pasted it... LOL
On Mother's Day, I was having contractions and thought for sure that I would go into labor. I took the kids for a 2 mile walk... and by the evening, wasn't feeling much of anything any more. So I went to bed.
At 2:30 AM, I woke up and looked at the clock, and thought, I have to go to the bathroom. I hoisted myself out of the bed, and went. Got back into bed, and fell asleep... for a few minutes, I was so tired that it took me about 4 tries before I even considered that I was having contractions, not having to go to the bathroom! Around 3:15, I went to the bathroom again, and thought my water broke, I got up and walked around, and felt a slight gush.. .yep it has broken, and boy was there a lot of fluid. And why have I blocked out all that mucous? This is baby number 4 and I just don't remember!!! Contractions were 3-4 minutes apart.
So I called my doctor, K. She said she was on her way.
My dh set up the birth tub, K got there, and she checked me. I had no idea how dilated I was the whole time. After a while I got into the tub. The water felt so nice, but it spaced out my contractions. I wasn't really *that* disappointed by that. My mom, sisters and friend came about 7 AM. There was a lot of people at my house, but I wouldn't have it any other way. They all really worked to make this a good thing for me. I know I mentioned in my initial post here, that my dd, Emerald died 2 years ago, and I really needed the support. Particularly since I had my son by section, and then while I was still recovering from that, my dd got sick. I feel like the birth, his babyhood, and her sickness, then death, all were part of the same experience. I feel kind of ripped off.
Around 11:30, I could feel that my contractions were different. They were in my hips and felt like they were going to my knees, but only on the outside of my body. I would try to relax and focus on getting the pain down and out, and it was rough, those contractions hurt a lot more than the contractions I have had in previous labors.
Around 1:30pm, I got out of the tub to go to the bathroom, and while I was in there, I felt like labor intensified. Dr. K checked me, and she said I was close. I ended up on the bed at this point. I could have gotten back into the tub, but I felt like if they hurt more and for longer, it would be over sooner, and I was so tired, and wanting it to be over.
When she checked again, I still had a lip, so we were trying different things to help get rid of that. Finally she was telling me I could push, but I felt really no urge to push. I was screaming, my support people were all helping me to push, and my 5 year old states, that "it sounds like she is having 5 babies!"
It just hurt so bad. For a minute I thought about going to the hospital, but the contractions were coming so fast, and I hurt so badly, that I decided in my head that it didn't matter. They couldn't do anything for me at that point, and even if they could, if I would just focus and push her out, then it would be over sooner, so I started really working to push her out. I could feel her moving down. I would scream and push, and push, and then yell, and I could feel her almost out, and then I would run out of steam. And less than a minute later, I would have to start all over again. Finally, her head popped out. Someone took my hand so I could feel her squishy head. I screamed even louder, and started yelling for them to get her out of me. Just pull her out... LOL, finally I could push again, and they did, and stuck her on me. I was just so relieved to have it be done. She started nursing almost immediately. Turns out she had her hand by her face, and the cord around her neck, AND there was a true knot in her cord! I have it in the freezer... LOL M y midwife said that I do truly have a smaller pelvis, and that it is harder for me than an average sized pelvis, but as she pointed out, I still did it!
I still don't understand how people can just breathe and have a quiet peaceful birth. LOL I felt so crazy and out of control.
Now that it is over, I think of how glad I am that I did it this way. Yes, it hurt. I didn't rip or tear or anything. If I would have went to the hospital for a section, I would just be getting home today. Instead, I got to share this with important people in my life. I didn't disrupt my kids lives. Eliza is alert, and strong and beautiful. I forgot to add in here, that while I was having contractions, they would end and I would get the hiccups. Every time. Unless it was going to be a double peaking contraction, then another would start instead... I hated those!
Friday, April 06, 2007
Plans change... LOL
OK, well, I had intended on going to school this last term (it just started) but at the last minute decided that I should really just let the last few weeks of this pregnancy be on its own.
So about 3 weeks ago, I went to the doctor. Where the *wonderful* doctor, who I hadn't met before informed me that despite talking with the other doctors in the practice, that I could not have a trial of labor. Therefore I was to immediately schedule a section. Now I was 32 weeks pregnant... and I naturally have a pretty quick temper. But I remained calm. I did ask her to explain why we weren't discussing section risks, and how my risks go up each section, and she said, "absolutely". She said she wouldn't argue with me on this subject, and that I really needed to find a new doctor if I refused to schedule a section. Fine. I went home, and started making calls, I went online and I tried to find someone to take me. I had thought about using a midwife early in my pregnancy, but the birth center was a bit far for me, and I would be there not even as long as the hospital... so I figured I might as well just go ahead and decide to have the baby at home. I kind of eased Shawn into the idea. He had initially thought I should just have surgery. He said that doctors went to medical school all that time, and that was what they were for, to make these decisions. I got very upset by his attitude. What is interesting is that I went through Emerald's cancer treatment dealing with doctors (aside from the ortho we had here in MI) that treated us as part of the team. It was a very different attitude than what you deal with when you deal with OB's. Honestly, it seems that delivering babies seems like I would have more of a clue what was going on, rather than less, when it came to cancer... but whatever. I know a lot about having babies, and I know a lot about brain tumors.
Regardless, after some convincing I got him to realise that this baby was going to come out my vagina regardless of what he thought. So he relented. I told him to look up the risks. He didn't. (Seems odd, you should have heard some of our discussions on circumcision... I am just glad this one is a girl!) This doctors office that just kicked me out was the place we were going to go with, or so I thought.
I kept joking about home birth... or unassisted birth. I didn't want to go unassisted. I didn't want to go to the hospital at the last minute and have to fight while in labor, to labor and push out my baby. I either wanted doctors on board, or a midwife.
So I started interviewing... I found 3 that I really liked. Three that I would totally go with. I ended up choosing the one I have not because I trusted her more than the others, but because Shawn felt most comfortable with her... she is a doctor, who does homebirths. He felt his family would be more accepting too. So be it. She is a nice lady. Shawn isn't too fond of the fact that all the choices were anti vax and into holistic medicine type things... he feels they are so anti-doctor... LOL
So here we are planning to have a home birth. It wasn't where we started, and I never thought I would end up in this choice, but honestly... if Emerald could have a "home death", we could do this home birth thing too.
I will keep you all posted. Anya is very excited about the whole thing. I must admit, I am too. I am much more relaxed than I was when I first got pregnant. I don't have to fight for my beliefs, I have a doctor that isn't freaking out thanks to malpractice issues, and best of all... I will be home.
So about 3 weeks ago, I went to the doctor. Where the *wonderful* doctor, who I hadn't met before informed me that despite talking with the other doctors in the practice, that I could not have a trial of labor. Therefore I was to immediately schedule a section. Now I was 32 weeks pregnant... and I naturally have a pretty quick temper. But I remained calm. I did ask her to explain why we weren't discussing section risks, and how my risks go up each section, and she said, "absolutely". She said she wouldn't argue with me on this subject, and that I really needed to find a new doctor if I refused to schedule a section. Fine. I went home, and started making calls, I went online and I tried to find someone to take me. I had thought about using a midwife early in my pregnancy, but the birth center was a bit far for me, and I would be there not even as long as the hospital... so I figured I might as well just go ahead and decide to have the baby at home. I kind of eased Shawn into the idea. He had initially thought I should just have surgery. He said that doctors went to medical school all that time, and that was what they were for, to make these decisions. I got very upset by his attitude. What is interesting is that I went through Emerald's cancer treatment dealing with doctors (aside from the ortho we had here in MI) that treated us as part of the team. It was a very different attitude than what you deal with when you deal with OB's. Honestly, it seems that delivering babies seems like I would have more of a clue what was going on, rather than less, when it came to cancer... but whatever. I know a lot about having babies, and I know a lot about brain tumors.
Regardless, after some convincing I got him to realise that this baby was going to come out my vagina regardless of what he thought. So he relented. I told him to look up the risks. He didn't. (Seems odd, you should have heard some of our discussions on circumcision... I am just glad this one is a girl!) This doctors office that just kicked me out was the place we were going to go with, or so I thought.
I kept joking about home birth... or unassisted birth. I didn't want to go unassisted. I didn't want to go to the hospital at the last minute and have to fight while in labor, to labor and push out my baby. I either wanted doctors on board, or a midwife.
So I started interviewing... I found 3 that I really liked. Three that I would totally go with. I ended up choosing the one I have not because I trusted her more than the others, but because Shawn felt most comfortable with her... she is a doctor, who does homebirths. He felt his family would be more accepting too. So be it. She is a nice lady. Shawn isn't too fond of the fact that all the choices were anti vax and into holistic medicine type things... he feels they are so anti-doctor... LOL
So here we are planning to have a home birth. It wasn't where we started, and I never thought I would end up in this choice, but honestly... if Emerald could have a "home death", we could do this home birth thing too.
I will keep you all posted. Anya is very excited about the whole thing. I must admit, I am too. I am much more relaxed than I was when I first got pregnant. I don't have to fight for my beliefs, I have a doctor that isn't freaking out thanks to malpractice issues, and best of all... I will be home.
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