No news is good news?

Still waiting on that licensure stuff. I am getting frustrated about it. But it is out of my control. I have done all I can at this point. So I am still trying to relax and just wait. In the meantime, things are going along just like they should I guess.

All this uncertainity and anxiousness is driving me insane though. The cure? Dairy Queen. Sadly, it hasn't really helped. It has only made me gain 20lbs. Now I am on a diet, which shouldn't be too hard, since we have no money to buy anything. I wouldn't have had DQ very often either, except my sister keeps offering to buy it for me. I shall say no from now on.

I have a friend and no offense to this friend, we just don't share a view point, and while this will be blatantly obvious if it IS the person I am talking about, it won't be if you aren't that person... LOL I've no idea if this person even reads my blog here, so it might not even matter.

Anyway, *destiny* always comes up when speaking with her. That nothing happens by accident, and she is always looking for the reasons that things happen. Sadly, while I don't share in this view point, anything bad that can come from this type of thinking, does rest in my soul. For instance, I think that I am being punished somehow and that is why one of my kids got sick, and died. Now, I tell myself, that type of thinking is stupid. Because, first... What did Emma do to deserve that? Nothing. So why should she be puinished because of something I did? Right?

Anyway, I do believe that we are responsible for our own outcomes. But not in the same way stated above. I believe that if at least once a week for 3 months, you are late or just don't go into your job, and you lose your job. It isn't something greater at work, trying to tell you something. It simply means you need a better fucking alarm clock. I think that I am responsible for what happens to me, but only the things that I have control over, and even then, I personally set in motion some of the bigger things. For instance, say I did get up and get to work on time each day. Then when I had to miss work for a good reason, I wouldn't be penalised. I would be given the time and possibly the sympathy that I might need. I would have set it up that way. I would have helped others give me the label of "responsible" person. But if I didn't get up, and I called in all the time, my label might be something very different.

The other problem I have with that type of thinking is... and this is from a daycare provider standpoint, even if there is something larger at work here. I don't see how say.. *I* can be punished because of someone else's lesson. If daycare parent loses his/her job, then I am out of work too. It just doesn't really seem fair, does it?

I guess it is the same thinking as how I feel about Emerald and her illness. Only *I* take the place of Emerald, in this case.

So logically for me, the blame for ME having an issue in this case, rest squarely on the shoulders of the person who lost their job, and further on my own shoulders for not being prepared with savings just in case it happened.

Anyway, this morning for some reason, I picked up Dr. Phil's book Self Matters. He said something that hit home,

Give yourself a reality break here; there are enough things for which you are clearly and undeniably responsible without your taking on things over which you have no control.

Good point!

We set things up. Perhaps somethings are under the control of a higher power, but like the saying goes... even with that kind of thinking. God helps those who help themselves. We still need to do our own groundwork.

I have always thought that way. I have always been the type to set things up and have it work out. And then Emerald got sick, and I just have been defeated. Maybe today is the day, that I realise that I am part of the reason that things have gone in the crapper. The fault of things does fall on my shoulders, but not because God put it there. But because *I* did.

And I can take it off, and fix it, I can do those little things that will change that for myself. Starting today. So I guess that 20lbs can only be attributed to the crap I stuffed into MY mouth. I guess we shall start there!

Now, I have to add this. The picture above, is NOT the picture that I am intending to be here. I have erased and put it back in several times, for CERTAIN attaching the right photo. And each time... THIS is the one that comes up. How is that for out of my control?