Not even funny.

I am watching you too! If you use Charter Communications and your ISP is 66.188.197.76 and you live in Rochester MN.

This post is removed until the person who has accessed it several times from Minnesota let's me know why they are so interested.

Thanks.

My head hurts.

I feel like a big whiny baby lately.

My head hurts, my lungs ache... my mind is reeling... I am tired but I can't sleep.

I have so much to do, yet I don't have the energy to do any of it.

My kids are wrecking the house, but I only stop them when it gets out of control, then I don't have the energy to fix the mess.

With what I am spending on our vacation and other things, I could have paid for a trip to Rome, and a 2 week cruise there. Hindsight... 20/20... it isn't a joke.

I don't even have the energy to say much. It is August and it felt like October last night.

I just want to run away.

I think that if I start living right, then God will give Em back to me. But I don't believe in God... so it won't actually happen. I guess I am using that as an excuse to keep punishing myself for the fact that she died. It is funny how your mind works. I wish I believed in God. If God is all "they" say he is... then he would understand and be there for my anger. I guess I could decide to say I believe in God... so I can at least get my anger out appropriately. I feel like it won't do any good though.

I feel like we are all part of the whole. Emerald still lives somehow, just not in the same way. But when I think of life, before this life. I rememeber nothing. So is that what it is like? When we die, do we move to another chapter, but we have no idea of the chapter before?

If we move to "heaven"... then shouldn't say that there was something before this life? Why do people think that it is so simplistic?? I mean how could it be? If we look at creationists who think that the world is too complex to have evolved from monkeys than, why would they think that our world being SO COMPLEX would have such simplistic answers for life and death? It just doesn't make any sense to me.

I am certianly not a sheeple, although, sometimes I think it would be easier if I were.

My head hurts so bad that I feel like it will explode any freaking second.

I need to go.

Thank Goodness...

Since Friday, I have been so freaking weepy and crying and feel out of control. I couldn't tell you what it was. I know when Shawn said a building looked like the Epcot Center, I started crying and thought he was very insensitive. And today... I think this would have happened regardless, we were at a birthday party and the song from Emerald's slideshow came on, and I wasn't expecting it. I had this feeling of running away, and I was suddenly very distressed and I didn't know why. I have never felt so out of control.

Well, turns out it is some good ol' PMS. Not that I wouldn't or shouldn't be upset. I mean, I am missing Emerald like freaking crazy. But I usually have a bit more self control than this.

Anyway.

At least I know what the problem was. Knowing is half the battle!!!

The Lion King.

Anya wanted to watch this last night. The Lion King dvd special edition is more like the play than the VHS verson of the same. I found that interesting.

Emerald and I went to go see the play last year. God, I miss her. I cried myself to sleep last night.

I was thinking how I fucked up my life is. I want her to come back. I want her to come back NOW. I want to hold her hand and I miss having someone who understands what I am talking about to talk to in the house with me.

Just before she got sick, she had no missing days, perfect attendence at school. She was such a good kid. Then her arm stopped working. Seemed odd, but I tried not to worry too much. I mean, they can fix anything these days, right? God, what a fucking joke. You would think in 20 years the best they could do for brain tumors wouldn't be to give you some drug that lets you live an extra whopping 3 months. It isn't even significant. Do I sound bitter? Then... I top of it, I have this guilt, because part of me doesn't want them to find a cure now that Emerald died. Now, I don't really feel that way, and I want other parents to not feel what I am feeling. I want their hope to be of the future, and not that the only person to suffer is the parent. But it will hurt when that day comes, because it is too late for my girl.

I look at Anya and Ian, and I feel like I shouldn't get so attached. I mean, it could end up that they both die too. I honestly thought we were in the clear. Sitting with Emerald watch Maury.. asking her if she is going to start smoking and drinking at 9 years old... LOL She always just rolled her eyes at me. I should be happy. I had her lifetime. Too bad it just wasn't enough. At 9, I thought, this is perfect and my biggest problems were trying to figure out where we were going to put a 4th kid if we had one, and how to get Shawn to go along with my plan.

I can't believe she has been gone for 5 months. I can't explain it... but because she was so much older... it is what makes my personal loss so hard. Not that my loss is worse. Because the loss of a younger child is still a loss, but what makes that loss hard, isn't losing a close friend and buddy. It isn't missing the days of playing "slug bug", and watching Maury and Charmed and ER and home improvement shows, and shows about freaky guys who are trying to make themselves into cats and where the best bathrooms in the world are located.

In my weakest moments... I wish I was dead too.

I need a break.

I spent the whole day wasting life on this computer. I literally got nothing done and binged food all day for the last two... because it was left over. Most went in the garbage this morning, but what didn't ended up in my mouth this evening. The rest goes out tomorrow. I just can't have my ass continuing to get bigger... (It isn't... LOL)

I am tired and I have tons to do.

The kids all fell asleep early today. Passed out all over the house like they are party animals who got drunk... It is rather amusing. I did pick them up and get them to bed. I should probably make some soap tonight while they are asleep, but I am just so tired... maybe I should go to bed instead.

Shawn is just going to wake me up anyway. Doesn't he know that I don't want to be woken up 4 hours after I go to sleep? So that his freaking alarm can go off for 2 hours each morning, every 7 minutes. I have to wake up, kick him and then have him turn it off. Why am I tortured for his inability to get up. When I have something to do, I don't even set the alarm. I just get up and go. I don't stay up until 4 AM playing video games each night though. I am sure that would have an effect.

Anyway, I suppose I should take my sorry, tired ass off to bed.

Hopefully tonight I will have some good dreams. The ones last night weren't so good.

Well... Life is busy.

Since I decided to do the free shipping on my soap site. I have been very busy. I also bought a bunch of props so I can take pictures, so now my time is strained... On one hand I want to take photographs... on the other, I have to get these orders out. This isn't to mention the host of other things I have to do. Things I have no made public because I have been a bit dishonest about something (a long time ago) and now I just figure it is my punishment to not be able to bitch appropriately. LMAO.

I don't even know why I am sitting on here talking. The things I really would like to vent about (my mil) I really can't... and I have so much to do... life is too short... the days aren't long enough. I have so many things that I could be good at, so many things I would like to try, but I just don't have the time or the money to do it.

Anya starts headstart this year. I have to get her a physical and dental visit, and I have to pay out of pocket. I am kind of bummed out about that. Plus, she has a speech delay... I am sure of it. They mentioned it to me a long time ago, and it isn't any better.

I have been excercising my arms. They are smaller. I can fit on my jacket that was way too tight in the arms, and there is plenty of space. The problem is that there is all this hanging skin. Not sure what to do about it. I feel like I have wings... big, skin bat wings. It is horrible. Sigh. I am kind of hoping that my skin just goes back to it's smaller size there, but I am not holding my breath!

:)

Well, that is it for today.

Back to the grind.

Feeling cracked out!

Stupid inhailer. I sometimes would rather feel that heaviness in my chest and cough sounding like a hyena than use that thing. It makes me so jittery. I hate that feeling. As soon as we have insurance, I am going to go to the doctor so I can get a handle on this. Winter is coming and it just seems just as bad then.... I am so frustrated.

Only 34 days until I cruise. I can't wait.

This weather is really getting to me.

My asthma is constantly kicking in, and my headaches from my sinues. Certainly my personal allergy season is right around the cornor! I need to destress.

I never got to excercise yesterday, but when I went to check how many calories I ate, I was only to a bit over 600... and I couldn't figure out why I was starving! So I ate the rest of my allotment... LOL

I have no idea why I kept forgetting to eat... seems silly.

I have nothing to contribute...

But feel like writing. I wish sometimes I could say anything I wanted. I wish I wouldn't have made the mistakes that make being able to do that impossible. Not that it matters... I just don't want the hassle.

Still working on losing weight. It is taking such a long time to get that last 20 lbs gone... I should start walking. I am going to do that tonight if the weather doesn't get bad. I bet that will help. I want to be able to wear a bikini on my vaction and not have people mooing and oinking under their breath... LOL

I was thinking last night, of how much I miss Emerald (of course), of how different life is now, how I wish it was the same. But because I don't have a choice in whether she is here or not, I am left with only two choices. Either, I embrace the new life, and love just as hard as I did before, or I can shun the world in spite. I don't want my kids to grow up thinking that Emerald made me sad because she died... I want them to know that Emerald's love made me happy and I love them despite her dying.

I wish I had more to contribute, but I don't. Not anything I can say publically, as unpublic as this journal is! LOL

Did you ever wonder ...

If it would be better to choose your mate by first interviewing their parents? I think it makes much more sense. Surely, out there, there has to be someone who has parents that I would pick for myself. We don't have to agree all the time, but certainly, it would help if they could at the very least have a tiny bit of respect for other people.

I personally recognise that I don't know everything. I certainly don't know, what I don't know... and even somethings that I do know, some ways that things are done in my family, I can't guess how they are done somewhere else. Does this make me stupid? NO! It makes me ignorant of that fact, until they are brought to my attention.

People seem not to see that their opinion of the world is also a confession of character. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Try to be sympathetic to people, because sometimes, they honestly don't know.