Yawn.

Tonight I had to get my CPR and first aid recertified, so I can keep my daycare license. That was fun... LOL I was telling the lady how I am having trouble getting daycare kids, and she said that I should avoid telling people about Emerald dying until after they get to know me better and know that my house is filled with love and not some weird voodoo curse.

I got home, and my sister had ordered pizza, so I proceeded to eat 3 pieces of pizza. I have no idea what I was thinking. My stomach hurt so bad. It just isn't equipped to eat that much at one time anymore. I had thoughts of throwing up... not because I am afraid of the extra calories, God knows that I don't eat enough calories most of the time to gain any weight.. ever. As a matter of fact, this one time certainly isn't going to make me gain weight, I don't think I even ate enough to average out a maintain on my weight... but my stomach felt so full, I felt like I should throw it up, to ease the pressure.

From now on, I will only have one piece. Because Holy, Mother of God.. my stomach is still hurting.

Anyway.

I think I am going to buy a book on Buddism. I had this strange thing happen. It was almost like a vision, but it was a split second and it was like a dream... where you know something really cool happened but you can't put your finger on it. I understand something about my world I think. I honestly believe that Emerald still exists. What made her... Emerald, is still here somewhere. It is that feeling I had from that first dream. I knew she had died, but I couldn't put my finger on it. I was sad and searching for her, but... I don't know... I knew she was able to be found.

I think the answers to our spiritual questions are right in front of our faces. We need to dig inside ourselves to understand what it all means. All I know, is that I need to make sure that Anya and Ian know that I love AS MUCH as I love Emerald. They are all important to me... and to this life.

Be well...

Headache...

I have the worst headache. I don't know if it is the weather or stress or what... but I feel like I am going completely crazy. I would sleep all day, but duty calls and I have kids to take care of.

My weight is again at a stand still. It comes off quickly, then nothing for a while. Drives me batty... but at least it goes in a downward motion. I have been pretty good at staying on my diet. Even yesterday, I ate a King Size M&M and I only went over my daily total by about 100 calories. Works for me. It shows me that I can still eat those things, I can't do it for every meal or all day. You have to account for the extras somehow, or you will be counting them on your butt!

I have lots to do.. so I will go. I have currently no soap orders that need to go out... fine with me... for now. I will be sending out an email soon... but I really want to get things caught up here... so I can be on the ball with the soap orders.

Talk to you soon.

I am tired and it is only 10:50 AM..

Today, I am going out with my sister... we will have the kids, (that makes me tired days in advance... LOL) and then I have my photo class tonight. Tomorrow, I have photo class again.

I feel like I am constantly doing something. In September we are going to Vegas and we are going on a cruise. I can't wait. Trying to lose another 20 lbs before then, but there is only 49 days to go, so I don't know if it will happen, maybe if I get my butt up and exercise. I feel like I have no time.

I finally went out and bought a couple new things yesterday, I really needed them, I gave most of my bigger clothes to my friend, Amy.

I really want to take some pictures tonight. Maybe I will. My soap orders are caught up, I only have 3 that need to go out, and those are waiting on soap and bathbombs, which I will make tomorrow. So they are almost done.

Going to send a picture in for a contest. Maybe it will win... I suppose there is always that chance! LOL

I cannot believe in a God who wants to be praised all the time.
— Friedrich Nietzsche, philosopher (1844-1900)

I thought this quote was interesting. Seeking the truth is an interesting journey. Maybe it is more like a lot of short hikes, which add to a journey. Sometimes, you fall upon something that makes you stay and linger a while, and other times, you can't wait to get to the next town.

I still don't know what the truth is. So many thing don't make sense. I am not a religious person, but I am a spiritual person. Some people think that these things are equal and the same, and I can tell you that they are not. I have met many religious people who have missed the point on the religion they are trying to live. This isn't to say you can't be both. Many people are. But in reality usually it is one or the other.

I know that many Christians say that the Bible is the word of God because the people who wrote it were inspired by such. The problem I have with this is this... they were men first. They were not infallable. Perhaps someone was being forced into a way of thinking or forced into writing what someone more powerful wanted and it was then being pushed as the word of God, when in reality it was nothing more than a fabrication in order to control the masses.

I feel inspired by "god". But it doesn't say the same things. I feel that there is something bigger that helps me come to terms with the truth, whatever it may be. That perhaps that the truth is much more personal that a bunch of words written in a famous book. Maybe the truth hides in someone small and insignificant like myself? And only you can find the truth inside your own heart. Maybe my words are the way to that truth. Not to my truth, but to your own.

No, I have no dellusions of grandeur, but I do wonder these things on a daily basis. Sometimes the ideas are crystal clear and other times foggy... but I can taste them on the tip of my tongue.

I had a dream that Emerald told me that I was getting skinnier and that she could definitely tell now. She was happy.

I wish she was happy here with me. I miss her touch. I miss holding her hand, and I miss kissing her full beautiful lips. My baby girl.

Went to the zoo today...

Took some photos of some animals. It is so very different to go to the zoo and take photos with my camera now, and go with my point and shoot. Pictures before were of animals and a lot of landscape, now I can put lots of animal and a bit of landscape. Kind of cool.

Looking more forward to my field trip to Eastern Market next week. Should be fun. This is a mom and her baby, Emerald loved zebras.



This week is shaping up to be busy.. already busy, and it hasn't even started yet.

So I was taking pictures of camels at the zoo. I am not a camel fan...LOL Just not interesting subject matter for me, I guess!



In fact, I am not even going to share the ones I took because, well... First, they suck... and Second, I guess that would be because "they suck", too.



That last picture reminds me of having 3 kids. I miss that. I look for things in 3's.

Have a great day!

Friday again...

How time flies.

I don't understand how it seems to go by so slowly when we are children, but when we get older it goes by so fast. Not that I mind so much now. I feel like I should just push through this life... get it over with.

No change in my weight. I need to start excercising, but the weather has been so hot, that I can't breathe when I go out there. Just an excuse, I know. It is alright... If I start exercising, I bet I will look like I want a whole lot faster. Probably time to add that in, now that my eating is habit now.

Busy making soap. In fact, I took time out from that to write this. I have so much more to say, but I am just exhausted mentally today. I don't know why.

I look no thinner.

Me this time last year... on the far right...



And me yesterday...

You would think that after losing 58 lbs, that one would look like they lost 58 lbs. I took pictures last night, and I look no different. Exactly the same fat ass that I was looking at before. What the hell??

As fat as I look in the photo... I can only imagine if I had 58 lbs on me, how much worse, I must have looked. How freaking embarrassing.

On a different note, I am starting my photographing people class tonight. Should be fun. I really need to know how to set up my lights and stuffs!

So I need to lose another 20 lbs, hopefully right away.... and another 20 by Xmas. THEN, hopefully, I will look good. My sister, who weighs slightly more than I do right now... looks great to me. But I just look like a fat ass. I just don't understand.... What a horrible body I have.

Well... I bought my lights...

I spent about a thousand bucks yesterday on stuff so I can take pictures in my house. At least I will have what I want in photos for my kids! Maybe I can get a few friends and family to pay me for my photography, so I can make my money back... LOL

I have to seriously start busting my ass on SOMETHING. It takes effort to make money.

Hopefully, I can get caught up on my soap making... I can make money pretty quick with that, and now that I have a little help, I can actually get caught up.

I want to declutter things now too. But I am afraid to throw anything away!!!!

Reminds me I have to pay on my storage unit today! I am behind two months!

Well, back to the grind! The kids are being crazy today and I need to get moving on my orders!

Freaking Nuts!

My cousin... technically first cousin once removed, had a baby when he was quite young. I found out today that his child had her first baby, so now he is a grandpa. I am 35. He is exactly my same age, born on my same birthday, in the same year, our parents even stayed in the same hospital room!

Holy crap! I don't even feel like a grown up and I am considering having another baby and here he is having his first GRANDCHILD!

I also have a beef, because nobody hardly reads, I think it is safe for me to say.

My Aunt who has a daughter only 9 mos older than my daughter Emerald was, didn't show up to Emerald's birthday party. She said that her oldest daughter had a basketball game. They knew that Emerald was going to die. So instead of realising that they will have more games in the future, even if it was the end of the season, they chose to miss the party (Emerald was upset by it) and do their thing. That week, my aunt came over and kept saying that her girls were going to stay the night. When it came time for the day they said, they always had some excuse why they couldn't come. Emerald was upset.

Emerald used to go over there and spend the weekend. Lots of times. She got sick and she would invite Tristan, or Anya, but never Emerald. Emerald noticed... I mean how could she not?

So today, my cousin Holly had a baby shower. My Aunt came in, dropped off gifts and left, saying they had to go out on the boat.

WTF? Let me tell it like it is. If you don't even bother showing up for good events in someones life... then why bother showing up for the funeral? To help your own conscience? For pete's sake, I know for a FACT that Emerald would have wanted her to share in the celebration of her life, instead she was only there for the sorrow of her death.

LIVE PEOPLE. Live in a way that honors and respects yourself and others. We only have one shot...you are responsible for how you respond.

Finally!

This morning I lost 2 lbs. Thank god. I hate when I restrict my eating and I get no where! 174. I am glad the number keeps going down....

I haven't been any thinner than this in 6 years, at least.

12 years ago, I was 140. I hope to make it there. It actually feels within my grasp.... where before it was so far away.

I going to be forced to shop soon. I have so few things to wear that look like they fit... everything is so big.

Quiet... and Peace?

My friend Amy took Anya and Tristy for the night. It is quiet with just Ian-Pie and myself here, until Shawn gets here, I suppose. I really need to know what I want to do.... I can't make any drastic decisions... so I am doing nothing really... I have several oppertunities... and I want to do them all.

1. Photography. Which I will do either way, but it is a matter how quickly I want to get myself and how deep...

2. I can apprentice and cut hair. Which would be nice. I can wear what I want and do something vastly different and creative. I won't be lacking with that.

3. Dig into my soap business deeper. Or keep it at the hobby level. Probably will do that. It pays for itself and makes me a bit of money, right now I need a bit more money, so for the short term, I will probably still do this.

4. Continue with child care. I love kids. But I have been doing this for a long time now. And with Emerald gone, I feel like it doesn't matter anymore. Either way, I can continue to watch kids on some level until I decide where I want to go.

I just need a change... or do I? I guess I don't need a change as much as I just need my baby back.

I miss her.

What the hell am I doing these days???

I have been crying for 5/6 days... it is only 11 AM here now, so there is still time for today, certainly it will happen. I will just give into it.

No weight loss lately, none gained either, but none lost. Seems odd. How can I eat so little and still not lose anything. Over time, it won't be that way... and I have completely given up on my old lifestyle of eating McDonald's each day.... this time next year, I will be destined to be thinner. And maybe I will be.

Each night I hope for two things. 1 I don't wake up again, or 2 that this life has all been a bad dream, I want to be a teenager again, and decide perhaps to have no children. I love them. I love them so much, but it just hurts so much, that I don't know if I want that too.... not like I really get a choice.

I feel so insignificant. Like we are all just numbers and we don't matter. I guess there are people that are numbers to me, then there are the others. The ones I love, the ones that I want to be part of my life. When something happens to even the "numbers" though, I feel horrified and hurt. Maybe we are all part a larger collective. For me it is like that. But for some, those that can separate themselves from the rest of us. Those that don't see my pain, and how I am suffering, even though it smacks them in the face.... I kind of envy them too.

Both sides of the same coin. My life story.

How I wish she was, and how I wish she never was. How I am glad I am, but then I wish I wasn't.

Life is unfair and sucky, and yet happy and I love it.

You can be alive and still not living, and not living, but still so alive.

My lost thoughts. It isn't like anyone reads this journal.... LOL