Shawn didn't get the job.

He had to take a psychological profiling test, and it said he was ill suited for the job. I should have gave him one of those before we got married.

"Sorry Honey, you failed your psychological profile, you are ill suited to be a husband and a father..."

Sigh.

Carry on.

Today is the first day of school.

Anya started first grade today. I dropped her to school, took a picture of her at her table, and then left, holding back tears. Not for what you think though. I am sure the other parents thought I was just a new mom crying because her baby was going to school. But the reality is that I was upset about my baby NOT going to school. Not starting high school this morning. Not getting into fights with me...

My dead kid... the ultimate rip off for her and me.

What can one do though? Sigh. Next week when Pie and Janai start head start, should be easier. Today, while I put on my brave face, I will be licking my wounds. That is what it feels like. I need some one to help take care of me for few hours.

Mojo needed here.

Shawn went to a job fair today, for Comcast (cable company), he had submitted an application previously. They want him to come back on Friday for skill testing. Hopefully, it works out because it would be a much better situation all around...

I am waiting for foster care to clear us. If they deny us, I can't get a daycare license either. LOL. Talk about stress. Good thing we only have one kid that won't be in school, because if I have to work outside the house, I will have to pay for child care.

Unless Shawn gets this job, then I can just keep on doing what I am doing.

It is ridiculous, that they are making me wait. The girl who is working on our foster care stuff is on vacation until Tuesday.

Of course she is.

And what is with Chrysler calling me and telling me they are going to repo my car. Dude. I am barely 30 days past due. No chance at this point that I can't afford the payment. I have been making the payment (although, late..) for 3 effing years. And now, I might not be able to afford it? After I just lowered our other obligations by almost $700?? Idiots. Does it not occur to them, that they would still be after me to make the payments only I wouldn't have the car? What can I afford less than making my car payment? Making a payment for no car. Yeah, try to get that payment out of me.

Did you ever have that peace inside that it will all work out??

Ever since we moved I have finally started to feel like I am getting to that place. Perhaps this feeling is only short lived. Regardless, I will enjoy it. One more month of being behind on our bills and then, I should be mostly caught up with a lot of them. Around the same time, we should be getting our insurance back, and school will be started again.

I remember when it was just me and Emerald. I would sleep a lot, and play with her. I really didn't have many hobbies, and we had no money, so we couldn't do anything. Now, because of the internet, I have lots of hobbies, and I don't sleep nearly as much. In fact, the internet seems to be one of my hobbies. My only escape from the kids.... and Shawn.

I just thought of something, there are some roller skating rinks that let you bring in strollers and do mommy skates. Maybe I can start doing that. That could be fun.

My point is, I can't tell at this point, if how life has changed, is a good thing. It sure is different. Life then, I could only focus on a couple things. I could only buy crafts that I found in the local store or in a random catalog. Now, you can find virtually everything online. You are connected to many, many people. Life can be even more cluttered and less simple. Even though it would seem at first that the internet and computers would make things more simple and less cluttered.

Anyway, none of this post makes sense. LOL, and it is OK, well ok for me. Not OK, for someone bored by my inane ramblings!!

Changed the scenery...

3 of my 4 kids are going to be in school in two weeks. Crazy. Just me and Eliza at home all day. It will be great, I think.

I have all these ideas on what I can get done, hopefully, I can follow through with my ideas. I have lots of stuff I want to make for christmas gifts. I have all this fabric... I want to make some purses, I want to make diapers. I want to get everything painted here. I want to try my hand at chain maille jewelry...

I have been trying to get everything I have to get done, done. Moving into a smaller place has been trying. Just getting along with my husband is trying. I have foster care paperwork, adoption paperwork, daycare paperwork. Plus, getting the headstart stuff done for the kids to go there.

I didn't get into the nursing program. I was expecting to. I should have gotten in. I will be reapplying in December, will find out in February if I get to start in April. Hopefully, I can. At the same time, I will be applying at another school, so I have another chance at getting in somewhere else. There are a few schools I could go to, but I am going to have to figure out their pre-requisite courses, they all have their own.

I feel like such a loser because I didn't get in. One of my friends said something like... I am so disappointed you didn't get in. I actually heard, "I am so disappointed in you, that you didn't get in." Oh well, there is nothing I can do, except work to get in this next time.

I have been so out of touch lately. Life with 4 kids, is a lot busier than life with only the 2 I had living with me just 3 years ago.

Moved into a new place....

We moved into a new house. It is smaller, it is a challenge to get all my stuff into here. But it is a lot cheaper. Unfortunately, it would appear that increasing electric and gas bills will take up the savings... but whatever... LOL

I will add to the insurance thing. They aren't giving anyone who makes over a certain amount, even if they are poor, insurance in Michigan. It is their way of saving money.

I am waiting for my nursing acceptance letter to come in the mail. Part of the reason that I can't get a job outside of the house now, is that I would never see the kids, and daycare costs would be more than what I can bring in. $125.00/week/child adds up pretty quickly. Shawn works 70+ hours these days, so I can't count on him to be home. I would have to have a job that (during the summer) makes more than $500 a week, just to break even at this point. That doesn't even include gas. Between school, and working that would be 80 hours away from the house, for almost no money anyway.

Just hope I get into the program. I am holding my breath waiting.

I. Just. Can't. Relax.

Ever. I always feel like I am "on". I am pretty sure that my back problems, my inability to lose weight, lack of libido and whatever else, is 100% contributed to stress.

I need to find a way to unwind. It isn't easy, because I am worrying about a lot of things.

Money (my #1 gripe). I know people always say that money doesn't buy happiness. Nope, it certainly doesn't. But when you don't have enough to take care of your kids, the lack of it, causes stress.

Waiting. I applied to the nursing program at my school. The final step in getting in. My pre-requisite courses are done, and there is nothing to do but wait for them to get back to me. They say they will tell us no later that August 1st.

Housing. Honestly, if the guy who owns this house would just leave me along, I would just stay here even though the cost is high. As it is, our lease is up in February. He is working hard to get us to mortgage and this house is worth $35K less than it was two years ago. But because we signed into a rent to own type of thing, he feels that is what he can squeeze out of us. I think not. But trying to find something more suitable isn't as easy as it sounds. At this point, it would better for us to find something at this same price and have a much larger house, than to try to find something decent that is cheaper... LOL

Insurance. Certainly life would be better if I could get to the doctor, but with no insurance, I have to wait until something is wrong...

I have been getting exercise, been trying to breathe, but I am just feeling overwhelmed.

I am even applying for a job at comcast, so I can try to have enough money and lessen my dependency on certain individuals. LOL

Long Time, No Post!

Check out this blog... http://www.thisfullhouse.com/this_full_house/2008/06/mommys-effing-l.html?cid=118116628#comment-118116628 for every comment with a swear word, she will donate another $1.00 to the RMH. I know lots of people have used RMH, and wanted to encourage you to participate in the cuss-fest.

The kids are good. I am OK. Just waiting to see if I am accepted into the core program for nursing at my school.

I spent 3 days looking for my hearing aids and found them finally... and found that they are broken. We have no insurance... and I just don't know what to do about it. Medicaid will only cover the expenses, after I spend $1100. LOL Excellent.

Just a thought.

If you donate food for a canned food drive. Could you please make sure that it isn't expired?? If there is no expiration or use by date, you can call the number on the can and they will tell you what it is. If it isn't expired, write the date on the can. And it wouldn't hurt to give something yummy... why so many cans of cranberry sauce??

Not complaining, because we really need the extra food, and it was nice to get things we could use, but one of the cans of corn expired in 2004. And several other were less expired but expired. My kids don't need food poisoning because we are poor. I would rather they eat plain rice every single day than a can of nasty old corn.

Just saying.

But really I am glad we got the stuff we did. Except for the expired ones.

They're all sick!

Eliza had a temp of 105.2 the other night. She has an ear infection. Anya has an ear infection and a goopy eye. Pie had an ear infection and as of this morning has been puking non stop. Janai, well, she is just crazy. :p We are woking on potty training... but she isn't sick...yet.

I have to work on potty training because we have no money to buy her diapers (I don't make her diapers.) So I have a few training pants that I guess we will have to keep washing until the money drought leaves... (I am going to start holding my breath now!)

Here is something... something. I got a letter from the state of michigan saying that they are going to decrease the amount of hours I can bill for (not just me... everyone) from 100 to 90 every two weeks. Just perfect. In essence it is a pay decrease, because while I am going to try to get the money from the parents, I can't count on them being able to come up with it. I know for me, trying to find an extra $20 in my budget is an impossibility. Well, I logged on today to see if those kids that were on, but got taken off, but are waiting to be put back on, are on, so I can bill for them... (they aren't... of course) that we are going to get an increase per hour. But it doesn't say how much. It just says *increase*. I guess they feel bad about not raising the subsidy for the last 15 years, and now that they decreased the hours we can bill for, so now, we get more per hour, but that certainly will be less over all than if we could bill for 10 more hours. LOL

I can't wait until I am done with daycare. I want a midnight weekends job. I am looking... finding one that make enough money is a challenge!

School goes back on the 7th. I am excited. Only two more terms until I am turned down for the nursing program. LOL

And then we get our taxes back. For a short while we won't feel so strapped for cash, a few months. I told Shawn that starting Monday he needs to get up at 6:30 so he can be to work by 7:30. That will increase how much money he gets by $36+ a day. Hopefully, he will follow my plan. If he doesn't... well... I don't know what I will do. Give up, I suppose.

I just discovered that I have 17 thumbs and 1 pinky finger on each hand!

I am trying to teach myself to knit. OH LORD.

My eyes no longer focus from near to far quickly... and so after I am looking up close for so long, I can't see for 10 minutes... and then because I like to torture myself, I am trying to knit socks. Nothing like a bunch of stabby double pointed needles all over on your lap. Oh and my fingers hurt...

How long will it take to get the hang of this. Right now, microbiology was easier. Shoot Algebra is easier.

Two months from now, when I am done with this one sock... I will post again, maybe with a picture, but don't count on it.

The end of the year... is near...

Ahhh nothing changes. I have been avoiding everything again, just this time of the year, I guess. As soon as thing settle down a little I hope to be in the swing of my life again.

I had a daycare mom stop coming. She gave me notice, but she was one of the payers. She was respectful, and I am sad that she is going. She got a new job, and is moving. :(

Now I know I have mentioned these other three that have been coming. Seems that they were added to my file. And now they are off. The mom is working a cash job, and turned in the stuff, but still we hear nothing about the kids being put onto the daycare subsidy so the mom can work. I am just hoping this rectifies soon. I really want to watch these kids. I need the money (who doesn't... ) and I am really sick and tired of having to chase the state for the cash. They recently decided that parents can only get 90 hours instead of a 100 every two weeks. That is down from 120 they could get just 2 years ago. Put the cost back onto the parents who are making $8/hour. Good idea. But I have to make money too, so I have to charge the parents for it.

Then there has been the whole Christmas Eve fiasco in our family. Usually on Christmas Eve we go to my Aunt's house. My mom has 10 siblings, they don't all come, because some live out of state, but it is an annual get together, that the family looks forward too. Everyone there smokes aside from me, but I can get past it, it is only one night a year. We don't get home until 2 am or later usually, but we all have such fun.

So my Aunt tells us this summer that they aren't doing Christmas. Fine. I say, I will do it at my house. They are going to go to Florida this year. Well, the holiday comes around. We plan, we paint, we clean, we call. People say they are coming. We call to get the Santa Suit from my Aunt...and she tells me that they aren't going to go to Florida after all. My other Aunt and this Aunt have had some sort of falling out... and now 2 other families aren't coming to my house, but rather they are doing their own thing. Whatever. My Aunt says she will come and all that.

Christmas Eve comes and no one shows up. Well, I shouldn't say that. My sisters and 1 of my brothers come here. My mil and fil and my bil's family come. Some of my sister's friends come. One of the daycare moms comes over. But none of my mom's family that preempted me doing Christmas Eve here. I have piles of food that I can't use and will be wasted.

Not even a phone call to tell me to Fuck Off. Nothing.

So now, next year, I don't know what is going on. Are we starting a new tradition? Are we going back to the same? I didn't mind that I could breathe the next day. I had a good time regardless of whether it was the same or not. I just don't do well with change, and I want people to be happy and together... but not at the cost of my sanity.

Ick.

I feel like crap. Stupid cold. At least my Micro class is finished. Just one more week on the online one and I am done until January, where I get to start all over again. And then we go pretty much for the next 20 weeks after that.

I wish there was an easy way to figure out what to do with myself. I don't really want to deal with daycare anymore. I hate being reliant of unreliable people... but at the same time, I am afraid to be away from my kids. I have been home with them since they were born.

If I can work when Shawn is home, then we wouldn't have that issue. And the daycare cost issue. If I split with Shawn, then I can get my daycare paid for and I can finish up what I need to. Might seem kind of rash, but there is more to it than that.

Oh what to do... I hate making choices. I hate waiting for things to fall into place. I wish there was really an button. LOL

Shawn took my car in for service. They wouldn't give him a rental, because they might have been able to fix it all today... right, whatever. The power steering fluid leaks out like a sieve, the heat blows cold air only from the defroster, and the front end has a loud clunk in it. They called a bit ago to tell me that I can come pick up the rental, because it won't be done today. No kidding. So here I am, with 6 kids... I am not walking.. it is bitter cold, and the road is busy.. they could send a van to pick us up, but... I have 6 kids to bring with me. I would rather eat my own tongue.

I just want to sleep.

OK, restart.

After a HORRID week. I am hoping this week will be the beginning of something better.

It just sinks lower each day... but I am hopeful that this is the lowest it will go. LOL

Oh, Lisa, it wasn't food stamps, it was the food program that reimburses for food for the daycare kids. I spoked with them on Thursday and they said that because it is just supposed to be "supplemental" to my income, that it shouldn't matter if I get it back in 3 weeks for in 8. LOL Nice. I get extra money because I am low-income, but it shouldn't matter.

Ugh.

I put stuff into layaway for my kids for Christmas. Good grief, I say. Stuff is expensive. Not only is it expensive... but Kmart is the only game in town for layaway. And they consider toys to be seasonal/holiday items. So I have to have my layaway out early. On one hand I see their point. On the other... well. I could use those extra weeks to pay it off instead of breaking the bank to try to have stuff for my kids in less time. It says on the slip that seasonal holiday items aren't allowed for a price adjustment either. Does that also mean toys?? Because I always thought you got a price adjustment on toys.. If so, are they seasonal/holiday in one regard, but not in another. Not that I would complain, but it is just stupid.

Can't anyone around give us a break? Rich people don't need layaway.

On another note, I got a free $10 gift card in the mail from Kohls and bought Eliza two little pairs of pants. The kid grows faster than the other 3 did... and because of the cloth diapers... she has a bigger bottom to cover as well. I put 12 mos size stuff on her, and it fits. Around and length-wise. Crazy, I tell ya!

Oh, I had this dream I wanted to post about.

Keri and I were out somewhere, and we were going to do a ritual outside (with fire) for Fin. We were outside at night, and went way out into this park, by a pond. We weren't supposed to have fires there. Before we could even get started, we heard something while sitting on the hill overlooking the pond. It was something that seemed like a train, moving through the trees. Only it was a caravan of animals. Suddenly, something caught my eye. From behind, a leopard type cub came out of the darkness and hit Keri in the head. Pulled back, lunged at me, and laid its head in my lap. I had my hands on its soft fur, and I could firmly feel the warmth and rounded shape. I woke up and my hands were around Eliza in the same way. Well, around her body.

I think it was Emerald in my dream. Playing with Keri... telling us that she and Fin have returned to nature... and that part of her lies in my lap when Eliza does.

If I think about how much I miss her, if I were to really start to let the feelings come... I fear I would die of the broken heart that I have.

Sorry to bitch again...

Just when you think things are getting better. Splat!

The food program has been the bane of my existence the last year. I do what I am supposed to, and I get screwed over.

The latest? They changed the rules.

So instead of turning in the form and getting the reimbursement on the last day of the month... you turn it in, and you get it back 7-10 business days at a minimum from when they received it. At first, this sounds better. Like you would get it faster. Well, that isn't the case. You only have the POTENTIAL of getting it faster. It's not necessarily going to happen that way. It would take up to 6 weeks to get it back... as is the case for the month of September. Worse yet, no one told me until I called on the first to figure out where it was. They told NO ONE that they changed the way they do it... well, at least I wasn't informed about it.

Thanks to the Michigan throwing budgeting cuts into the mix, we got the last check late. I couldn't pay my land lord when I was supposed to. And we were almost caught up. So I get through that, it came a couple days late, but it got here. That was Oct 1. Now, Nov 1 comes around, and I am STILL waiting on the money. Shawn sent it from a different post office so it got there on Oct 15th. It is long past 7-10 business days. And still nothing. I sent out the form for Oct too... usually I would get that Dec 1. WHO KNOWS when that is going to come.

I have no idea how I am supposed to be able to count on this money now. It is budgeted in. It is part of my income. I am bouncing checks, I am late on everything. I have debts to people to satisfy, and I can't!

I am hoping that I get my money from my financial aid by Friday... for cripe's sake, I just want to pay my bills... and buy light bulbs, and laundry soap. Is it so much to ask??

OMG...

OK, so immediately after I made my last post, I went to snuggle with the bambino... and I got a phone call. My husband was arrested. Expired tags, expired/suspended license.

Sigh.

I went yesterday and paid $64.00 to get his tags fixed. $64 is all. He could have paid that himself and at least had the possibility of not getting caught until he had the money to pay his tickets... but nope. Always squeezing the money out of me.

This is the reason...

Bumbos on tables are unsafe.

Meet the headless baby.

Now, I know she is not supposed to be in it on the table. But I still find this picture funny... and she wasn't going to fall out and crack her head open, cuz I was standing right there..

Anyway, happy halloween!

The mom of those kids called me. She has an appointment on October 31 for a new job, and will be bringing them back probably the following week. Which is good. Hopefully, they start in time for me to have enough money to buy presents for the holidays. Last year was suckalicious. I got gifts from people and I spent those gift cards, or gave the presents to other people. The only things I actually kept were items that I got after Christmas Day. If someone sent it early, I used it for someone else, because we had so little.

This year, I am going to make some goodies for people. And I am hosting Christmas Eve at my house... what was I thinking??

So keep giving the mojo for the dough dough.. because I really need something to stop the madness over here.

School is going good. Taking Microbiology, I hate the instructor, she sucks. She photocopies us notes and then reads them off. The notes contain almost no spaces, just a big block of verbiage... or garbage... whatever. And then the tests are completely void of any of the information from the notes. Kinda silly to even listen to the woman. She talks really softly, and despite my sitting in the front of the room so I can hear her [recite the useless notes], I can't.

I found out also that some of the teachers that were at our school were let go because other students thought they were too hard. I thought that was the point? I mean what does that really say about the integrity of the program. I also heard that the actual program is tougher (good!), so I don't understand why they would cheese it all up with the easy instructors, and then set people up for failure. These classes should be harder, so when we have the nursing classes, we are prepared and know how to study.

I am kind of confused by the whole thing... but that shouldn't surprise anyone. I am frequently confused.

I am finally kind of feeling better. I am sure tomorrow I will be sick again... seems to be the way.

I have no idea why I am writing...

I just feel the need to blab on like an idiot.

I hate how money is so necessary. I mean, I am busting my ass, and I feel like I am never gaining anything.

Daycare kids started, ONE of the three got put onto the case. So I can bill for one. I told the mom on Monday that I couldn't watch them until they were all on there. I just can't be stressing myself out for nothing.

I hired someone to help me, but it wasn't working out because she couldn't come when I needed her. I needed help during the evening and getting one of the kids off the bus. I also needed her to be here on Wednesdays so Shawn could go to work. He isn't going to work, so it seems extremely pointless to have her here, and paying for two people to be here, when Shawn (although not my first choice for a care giver) will suffice.

Sigh.

I have been sleeping on the couch for the last month, because it is the only place I can sleep with my back hurting when I wake up.

The toilet has overflowed into my bedroom twice in a week...

Myself and the kids have all been sick, and I have to take Janai back again...

Back to the money issues. Money isn't important... I don't want a lot of money... I want enough money to meet my current needs... which aren't over the top. I have literally cut out anything we didn't need, and honestly... if we weren't getting food stamps right now... we would have nothing.

So I could use some mojo that these kids get put on my online case. I know they are eligible, I just need this resolved so I can have enough money to pay my bills. That is all I want. So I can concentrate on mothering, and school... and daycare.

I am an idiot.

I took my wellbutrin twice a day instead of my antibiotic.. the pills look almost exactly the same.

So for the last 5 days, I have been edgy, anxious, aggitated, manic... I got a lot of cleaning done. I have barely slept, and I am not really tired anyhow.

I didn't notice until this morning. Last night I told Shawn that I had all these symptoms like I was manic in a manic depressive way... and couldn't figure out what I was angry about, because I wasn't angry.

Hopefully it will be out of my system soon. I don't like this feeling.

Really...

When a bad person dies early, people say... "Karma got him!" It is kind of insulting. LOL Bad things happen to everyone. Unless, Emerald and I are horrid wretched people.

When someone dies of cancer after leading a crappy life... it isn't karma, but biology.

Sigh.