Sparkling Referee.

Me reffing with Jacktown

So I did it.  I quit my old league.  I completely stopped going to derby for 3 months.  Truth be told, my foot was bothering me.  So I decided after working my ass off helping a bout with no recognition... well, I did get an email telling how much I sucked, I wasn't part of the team, and how I was a joke.  I quit.  They owe me money, but I don't care.  My sanity is worth way more.  We gave the problem her own league.  Enjoy. 

Anyway, I refereed a game the other day.  That was fun.  Much more interesting than just plain watching... and even more fun than NSOing.  So I plan to keep doing this as well as skating with the new league I joined.  I had to buy a dress from a costume shop because the men's ref clothes just fit like crap.  Like I had a bag around me.  Hopefully, I can find something that moves and is kind of flattering at the same time.  I like to be comfortable when I skate. 

I watched some of the girls on this new league.  Mostly everyone has been skating derby for less time than I have.  That certainly doesn't make me better.  It does however, put my head in a different spot when we are playing together.  And just playing together with a group of girls you don't know is hard.

I have severe anxiety regarding meeting new people and trying new things.  I am proud to say that I don't let that stop me most of the time.  I continue to try.  I joined derby, I went to nursing school, I take a deep breath and I try new things.  I am not the greatest at anything.  In fact, I excel at nearly nothing.  I don't care.  For me the challenge isn't to excel.  The challenge is just to get out there and live.  And if you ask the majority of people I know... they see me doing that.  I have that.

Ugh. I want to quit

I think I am going to stop doing derby and take up running instead. I see that I have very little time in my life anymore for anything other than derby. I really enjoy the game. I do not like the game playing amongst people. Some of the stuff that has been going on has been very disturbing and I shouldn't be surprised. Bud put a lot of effort into our league. I feel sad, watching the person that he went to bat for, come in and take everything over, as if she wanted this league and did everything we agreed on from the beginning. She talks to me and tells me she agrees with what I am saying and even after I call a truce and say that we both need to stop whatever behavior is causing the current problem, it still continues. Just hours after. I get "not being perfect" and once in a while being bitchy or saying something inappropriate, but when you are doing it within minutes of walking out, and calling it "problem solving" or whatever, I just can't accept that you are actually keeping true to your word.

Life is just too short. It was too short to waste on driving to Port Huron to feel like I was being abused, and it was too short to deal with selfish people who just didn't care about me. And I guess that is what this is now.

If one person just keeps doing everything, and then complaining about it... and then still doing it, then getting angry or "bitchy" because it doesn't go as she planned, then jumps back in and takes over. Then yeah, it looks like you are doing everything. Most people don't care. I do. If the business practice is bad. If this person just has a bad reputation amongst a group of people, but people deal with her because she just acts oblivious to the fact that she is doing anything wrong. I mean, there are some serious issues when you bring up something to someone and instead of accepting responsibility for what they did they say... "and vice versa". You can't work with people like that. And like I said... Life is just too short.

My friend Nikki.

I graduated from nursing school just last May. I met some people I didn't really like, and I met some that I like a whole lot. Like regular life. I am not the type that hangs out a lot. In fact, I am pretty much a home-body. Lots of kids, and they go everywhere with me.

At first in nursing school I felt very alone. When my daughter's death day came around, I felt more alone. I planned a benefit with my derby league last year and one instructor and one friend from nursing school came. My friend was Nikki. I am really grateful that she took the time one day to keep me from just walking out and not coming back. It made a difference to me. I watched her struggle with her husband leaving because they are a military family... and now sadly, she has said good bye to her husband for the very last time. He got liver cancer. And instead of the 5 years they thought he had, he died in a very, very short time. I wish I could take it away for her.

It's hard to watch. It's hard to relive my own past. It's hard to know, that it could be someone else I love in the future. I struggle with many of the same things that my friends have struggled with trying to help me. There is nothing you can do to make it go away. All you can do is be there.

Hug your loved ones. Life is too short to spend it being angry.

Sicky

Feeling like crap. Blah. I have a game tomorrow for derby. Hopefully, I feel better by tomorrow night. Not really feeling the love, but everyone has those days, I guess.

I won't be in the next few games because I took a vacation, and had to work. The league (I guess, because I don't remember agreeing to this and I am the VP) doesn't allow you to miss more than 2 excused days off. LOL So if you can afford to vacation more than 1 week you are penalized. Quite honestly, I think that if you can't afford to vacation more than 1 week, you are being penalized... so I will happily take the vacation and the time with my family. Just like time off from the kids, and from work. I think taking time off from your hobby, has the potential to make you better at it. And actually, my foot doesn't hurt, my knee feels stronger and I have a clearer head. All good things.

I used to think that I wouldn't get to a point where I was able to just jump in and play. But I think that if I am off for a couple of weeks, it doesn't really seem to affect my game too much. I think that comes from being more fit in general. Not that I think you should be off for 3 months and just start playing, because from what I understand you do lose muscle after that long of inactivity, but that isn't the case for me.

Anyway, so that doesn't really matter for me. I refuse to feel penalized for working my ass off and being able to spend quality time away from home with my spouse and/or my kids. Life is good and I am glad.

We are really hoping to move to Florida this time next year. If I can find a job and he can find a job... I worry that another job won't be as good as this job I currently have. My co-workers are great. They really work together. They aren't really nit picky and will just go to the person if they have a problem. Not all the floors can say that. I don't want to deal with that nit picky BS that I have to deal with in other areas of my life. It sucks the fun out of everything. Anyway, I will keep updated on all that.