Foster parent class.

We had our first foster care class today, and it was good. I think it was really good for Shawn. All these men that were there, were really caring and nurturing, and Shawn got involved with them in discussions. I think that his dad was an alcohalic meant that he didn't get that kind of parenting growing up. Not to mention that I have told him that with the daycare kids, he has to be their role model too. Lots of those kids don't see a dad. Those kids are sometimes at our house 12 hours a day! He was always good with our kids... and Janai. But I think this class is helping him to see that his attitude is what gives the kids THEIR attitude when they grow up. How they become parents.

The fact that I have been saying this for years didn't matter. But because other men. Men that looked like men. Not weak looking men, but people in the community that Shawn would respect voiced their opinions and were very nurturing, I think something clicked.

Lets just hope that it stays like that.

Guess What??

My license for daycare is transferred as of Monday... so we are busy moving and stuff.

:) That was the best news of the week... not to mention that I broke a mirror the night before. I guess it isn't true. (Knock on wood??)

No news is good news?

Still waiting on that licensure stuff. I am getting frustrated about it. But it is out of my control. I have done all I can at this point. So I am still trying to relax and just wait. In the meantime, things are going along just like they should I guess.

All this uncertainity and anxiousness is driving me insane though. The cure? Dairy Queen. Sadly, it hasn't really helped. It has only made me gain 20lbs. Now I am on a diet, which shouldn't be too hard, since we have no money to buy anything. I wouldn't have had DQ very often either, except my sister keeps offering to buy it for me. I shall say no from now on.

I have a friend and no offense to this friend, we just don't share a view point, and while this will be blatantly obvious if it IS the person I am talking about, it won't be if you aren't that person... LOL I've no idea if this person even reads my blog here, so it might not even matter.

Anyway, *destiny* always comes up when speaking with her. That nothing happens by accident, and she is always looking for the reasons that things happen. Sadly, while I don't share in this view point, anything bad that can come from this type of thinking, does rest in my soul. For instance, I think that I am being punished somehow and that is why one of my kids got sick, and died. Now, I tell myself, that type of thinking is stupid. Because, first... What did Emma do to deserve that? Nothing. So why should she be puinished because of something I did? Right?

Anyway, I do believe that we are responsible for our own outcomes. But not in the same way stated above. I believe that if at least once a week for 3 months, you are late or just don't go into your job, and you lose your job. It isn't something greater at work, trying to tell you something. It simply means you need a better fucking alarm clock. I think that I am responsible for what happens to me, but only the things that I have control over, and even then, I personally set in motion some of the bigger things. For instance, say I did get up and get to work on time each day. Then when I had to miss work for a good reason, I wouldn't be penalised. I would be given the time and possibly the sympathy that I might need. I would have set it up that way. I would have helped others give me the label of "responsible" person. But if I didn't get up, and I called in all the time, my label might be something very different.

The other problem I have with that type of thinking is... and this is from a daycare provider standpoint, even if there is something larger at work here. I don't see how say.. *I* can be punished because of someone else's lesson. If daycare parent loses his/her job, then I am out of work too. It just doesn't really seem fair, does it?

I guess it is the same thinking as how I feel about Emerald and her illness. Only *I* take the place of Emerald, in this case.

So logically for me, the blame for ME having an issue in this case, rest squarely on the shoulders of the person who lost their job, and further on my own shoulders for not being prepared with savings just in case it happened.

Anyway, this morning for some reason, I picked up Dr. Phil's book Self Matters. He said something that hit home,

Give yourself a reality break here; there are enough things for which you are clearly and undeniably responsible without your taking on things over which you have no control.

Good point!

We set things up. Perhaps somethings are under the control of a higher power, but like the saying goes... even with that kind of thinking. God helps those who help themselves. We still need to do our own groundwork.

I have always thought that way. I have always been the type to set things up and have it work out. And then Emerald got sick, and I just have been defeated. Maybe today is the day, that I realise that I am part of the reason that things have gone in the crapper. The fault of things does fall on my shoulders, but not because God put it there. But because *I* did.

And I can take it off, and fix it, I can do those little things that will change that for myself. Starting today. So I guess that 20lbs can only be attributed to the crap I stuffed into MY mouth. I guess we shall start there!

Now, I have to add this. The picture above, is NOT the picture that I am intending to be here. I have erased and put it back in several times, for CERTAIN attaching the right photo. And each time... THIS is the one that comes up. How is that for out of my control?

To answer Lisa's question.

Yes! I did go to college yesterday. And I signed up. So as long as I pass the first year, I am going to school for nursing!

Excited?? I am!

Still waiting to hear from the state regarding my license. Getting nervous about that!

Picture of Anya swimming last Saturday! Isn't she funny??

It's that time of the year...

Of course, I can't breathe. I feel like I am sick. I guess I am sick, but it's asthma, nothing that will just go away.

Add my stress to it, and I just don't see a soon end to this.

I was stupid though. On Friday, I found that I was very behind in my checking account. I was so stressed out over the weekend, that I kept crying on and off. Well, yesterday, I am cleaning off the counter and I find... an $800 check from 2 weeks ago that I didn't take to the bank. So I was behind, for no reason, I bounced checks, for no reason. I had the money. Now I am behind... LOL Oh well... at least I am not as in dire straights as I thought!

I hate waiting. Waiting for them to tell me if my license will be transferred. I hate it. My life is just hanging in the balance at this point.

I have an appointment at college today at 2. Hopefully, I can get into the program. I really need to do something else.

:)

Well, nothing really new to report, nothing else to complain about. Just trying to breathe. Literally, and figuratively.

Things are coming along.

I finally heard from licensing, they said that they are reviewing my case because of Shawn's DUI from 2002. And there are a couple things that I have to send back, that will be taken care of by tomorrow, so then we wait for the review.

In the meantime, I did apply for financial aid, and I applied to baker college. Hopefully they will take me. Getting a degree in something would be really good for me.

So that's that.

Hopefully, I will hear from all of these places really quick like!

;)

Something to consider...

I was taking pictures for a while before I got a decent camera. I had an APS camera that Rene got me, that took good pictures, but developing the film, and not having a clue how they were going to turn out was time consuming and expensive. So when they came out with an affordable digital, I was really happy.

The first digital was less than 2 mp at its best. This is an example of one of the pictures. Dirty... small, and just not good quality, but I like how the kids were being kids. It served me well. I got to document Emerald's being 7-8 and Anya being born... bwtn my APS and the digital.

The following year, I got my tax return and splurged on a 2 MP camera. I considered a more expensive model, but for $250 bucks, this would be enough. After all, I wouldn't need anything bigger or nicer than this could do... LOL This is pretty decent and I was happy with it.

For Christmas that year, Shawn thought I needed a nicer camera. So he got me a 3.2 mp Sony. Nice. I didn't think I needed it though. Soon after Emerald got sick. I took as many pictures as I could with that camera. We went to Disney, I took pictures of her last days... I really got Shawn's moneys worth out of that camera.

After Emerald died, I realised that I had all these pictures, but I couldn't use them as high resolution images. They just look grainy and bad when blown up. Now, when I am trying to find a great picture for a gift, I can find one, but I end up not using it, because it just doesn't look right. I ended up buying a more expensive camera. And after that an even better one. Now, I think I am a convert of good cameras. Not to mention that with the cost of cameras being so cheap, you can get a 6 mp camera for what I had gotten a 2 mp camera for! Just crazy!

So, in the way of cameras... make sure you buy the best you can. Pictures are sometimes all you have left of someone's life, and you want them to be the best they can be. ;)

Mercury is retrograde as of yesterday...

I read today that this is a good time to brainstorm. Not a good time to make choices, more likely that something will break down... etc.

So... I have been trying to decide what I wanted to do with myself. I need to come up with a plan. I am happy and would keep doing child care, but because I screwed up, if that doesn't stay in the cards for me, I need to have a back up plan. I applied for financial aid for school, so if push comes to shove, I can have a couple of choices. I am looking at the Early Child Ed program, or possibly nursing. I can get a degree in 2.5 years and my friend who just completed the program is making 22.50 an hour plus benefits. I could live on that.

So, I am going to ride it out... and see where it takes me. If things pan out the way they are now, then maybe I might still try the nursing gig, just maybe have it go a little longer... Or maybe not. I know that there are time constraints and that you have to take so many classes together... but we'll work around that. With Shawn being home all the time... and most of my kids coming in the afternoons, I should be able to work it out. The other daycare mom is going through the same program and she is gone from 8 AM to 3 PM every day. I could probably deal with that. If I put the kids to bed at 8:30PM I would have time to study. It is only 2.5 years. Much less time than I have spent fucking around and doing nothing professional or educational wise with my life.

I *did* get to be the mom to Emerald. I am glad that I have that. It makes the last 12 years worth it, ya know?

Anyway, I am just rambling.

** got a call from Shawn. I bring up that I filed for financial aid and he says...(of course)... maybe I should too. I can go to Wayne State. Sure Shawn, just because I have spent the last 7 years supporting your stupid ass, while I worked 12-17 hours a day, and you did nothing but work at your meanial job, playing playstation until 4 AM each day... AND you have the time, and a low enough income to get finanacial aid, NOW is the time, now that I am serious about something, to decide you are going to start attempting to do it. I don't think so. You can wait until I am done. Jerk. It isn't all about you. I need to have some self worth here. I need to accomplish something in my life. I have spent too long waiting for you to get it together... and I swear to God if you say that I should just watch, because you will make more money than me, and that I am holding you back... I will smack you.

(There, now that I got that out of my system.)

I am tired of being foiled by the master procrastinator.

Can't. Stand. It. Any. Longer.

I want all my stuff in one house. I have now made to payments to the new house, and we are STILL not living in it. It doesn't help that Shawn isn't really doing his part in moving the stuff over, but at the same time, I am just too busy with all I have going on myself to do anything either.

We are going to Algonac again this this afternoon to see the parade, and maybe let the kids ride the midway. It is cheaper this day than any other day. But when I sign off here, I think I am going to start putting Emerald's clothes in the bins that I bought. If I go to the other house, it looks as if we live there too. Sigh. But no beds, so tomorrow, that is the goal, to have at least one big bed, and put together the bottom bunk of Emma/Pie's bed.

Hopefully, it will go to plan. It looks like it may rain on our parade, but we are going to try to give it a go anyhow.

Have a good day!