Tomorrow, off to the doctor, yet again.

JUST as I predicted, my asthma is bad, making a decent baseline impossible. I guess, this will mean I get to come back, yet AGAIN. I am kind of annoyed by the whole thing. It wasn't like I was asking for much. I didn't want meds (although, don't you think that asthma is something you might want to check on to make sure, you know, one doesn't get sicker?) All I wanted was to blow. (OK, into the little blower thingy.) I WILL be bringing it up tomorrow. He will probably make me have another appointment to discuss it.

Ok, so I am just being ridiculous now... I guess, I am just annoyed.

We will see what he says. Should be getting a physical tomorrow... so hopefully, nothing will be wrong with me. Nothing new, that I am not expecting!

Anya jumped off the couch today and gave herself a black eye. That kid is going to be the death of me. She has such a good sense of humor. I really like her personality, when she isn't driving me batty. I really like Pie's personality too. They are so very different from one another. She is intense, and funny. I, teasingly, told her there was no milk, and she went the fridge, and grabbed the gallon out and said, "You have GOT to be kidding me!" What a goof! And when we are talking about something she uses bigger words now. "Well, ACTUALLY, it isn't a dog.. it is a horse." OK. She is talking so much better. Some words are still off, but you can really get the jist of what she is saying.

Pie, he is talking really well for his age too. And he also has a sense of humor. He has learned to fart on cue. That's right. The funny part is he likes to wait for sad moments, and does it to make people laugh. I bet Emerald is somewhere telling him to do that.

I will update tomorrow afternoon, probably with nothing new from the doctor (rolls eyes.)

Bad dreams and feeling like garbage.

I woke up this morning upset, I couldn't breathe. I had a dream, that there was some tornado warning and my mom, myself and Pie left to go somewhere safer, and in the process Pie was either taken or he got lost.

The last time I had a dream about losing someone (Emerald) it came true within 6 months. So I spent the morning upset that this might happen to me again.

I started feeling sick yesterday, and this morning in addition to the dream, I had an asthma attack, and my breathing isn't right even this second. If Emerald wouldn't have died, I probably would be taking this dream so seriously. I just don't know how to handle these things... perhaps a xanax is in order this morning.

Just breathe.

Sunday.

We just got back a bit ago. We spent the morning with my brother in law, and his wife, and my nephews. OR Shawn's nephews... however you put that. Anyway, we went out to eat, where Anya acted like a horrid kid. She THREW her spaghetti at me. I was a bit mad. We went to the library after that, the southfield library, and they had this huge children's section. I took some shots (only a few) of the kids. My kids wouldn't sit still but I caught this one of Aden, that came out really nice.

I am really itching to move out of this house. I was talking with my bil & sil today and when I said the house we were looking at was only 1000 square feet they mentioned how small that was. Well, it can be small if I have a basement. I just need someplace to store all our extra crap. I have a storage unit already and it isn't enough for us, plus it is just a huge pain to have to go to the storage unit to get stuff out. Especially when it is for my soap stuff.

They suggested that we contact a realitor to see if they can help us find a land contract to suit us. I am REALLY wishing right now that I could get an FHA loan, but because I am self employed and Shawn has horrid credit, it just won't work. Which really sucks. That would be our best solution. Oh well. Not much I can do about it as it stands. I just can't stand being crammed into this house anymore.

On another note my sister in law asked if I would take some pictures of her kids. I will. I need the practice, and if I can pull off some nice shots, then it will build my confidence, and it will put me in a postition where I can get more business from their friends and get my name into that community. Or they can hate them, and no one will ever want me to take another photo again. That would be horrible. And would kill me. Right now I feel like a fake photographer. LOL

Just keep shooting, it will work out, right??

First day of school.. again.

I started a mythology class today. I only had two panic attacks during the 2 hours we were there, and I only started tearing up 3 times. *L* I think I did pretty well. It should be an interesting class, a lot more writing than I expected to have, and when I first saw the syllabus I was thinking to myself. Crap. This is a lot of writing for something I am taking for fun. If I didn't do so well, I would be screwing with my gpa, for nothing! But as he was talking, I could see that the way I write will/should be able to fit into his style of grading questions. So it should work out ok.

At one point during the class he felt compelled to tell us that he wasn't judging anyone's faith when it came to the myths that we will be talking about. It was intersting because in my head, I can say... well, there are things that may or may not be true about any given faith. I can recognise that there may be things said in the Bible or any other piece of religious literature that may have been put there for reasons other than being solely the word of God. It could be there to help people cope with the times, to control the masses, to get people to go along with ideas, to make people comfortable in their own skins, and feel purpose. And that is fine. I don't know if I hope that there are people open minded about religion like I am, or if there are more people deeply rooted in their faith and then more debate would come up. Which I find more interesting.

Either way, the class should be interesting and I am looking forward to next week.

As far as my photography stuff. I really need to find something else to shoot today. Suppose to take pictures each day, and I missed yesterday. Just something about it being boring, taking shots of the same stuff. I crave something new. Not sure how I am going to overcome this. I just hate winter time. Too cold. Particularly today. For the last two days, it has been 50+ degrees. This morning, I woke up to snow. And while not a lot of snow. It was pretty windy this morning and I felt like I was walking through some frozen tundra! Next time I will remember my hat and mittens!

Orders...

I have been making wax tarts. They smell great, and I have had some good reviews. Today I think I am also going to try perfume. Just something to add to my line.

We found out yesterday that Shawn has been putting money into a 401K and instead of me thinking I have no money at all for a downpayment on a house, we are starting at 2K. I told him to start putting more of his pretax $ in. And if he switches it to Starbucks they match 10%. Then we will just have more that much quicker. It isn't ideal to do it this way, but I really don't see the options. It would be a far worse situation if we were to go into a land contract in a house we didn't necessarily want.

Or maybe not. I have to think about that for a while. If we move now, then still the house we would move to, would be worth something in 5 years, and we would have the downpayment to move to a traditional mortgage. If we don't, then we are just stuck here and in 5 years, this will still be worth nothing. What to do?

So my wish list for a house...

Bungalow style.
Brick.
Fireplace.
Basement.
Garage.
3 bedrooms (at least)
Would like a separate family room.

I think that's it. I am a good diy'er. And if it was mine, I would do it and like it. As it stands now, the house is ours, but it worth nothing, and it just seems like a waste to put money into something that we are going to abandon any how.

Plus, I would like to move before Anya gets into Kindergarten, into a house we plan to stay in for a long time, or at the very least a neighborhood we would want to stay in.

Off to the doctor...

Today I am heading to the doctor. Hoping I can get this stupid IUD taken out. I love it, but I hate it. It just is so gross, and I have this fear that I am going to pregnant anyway, and I would really rather it not be in there. If you ever decide to get an IUD, get the one with the hormones. Much less disgusting. I want to have another baby... but at the same time, I kind of want to wait. But realise that I am not getting younger! I am already over 35. I also need to get my back straightened out, and get some wellbutrin. Maybe some medication for my face. I feel like I am falling apart!!! At least I have insurance!

Well, the kids are out of control, and Blitzy needs to go out...

Well, I am back. Got my IUD out no biggie. Didn't hurt. He would deal with any of my other issues, unless I made another appointment. What a pain in the ass... like I can get time away from my other obligations to go to the doctor. They also said there was a polyp on my cervix, and now they want me to come in so they can check that out, and then maybe surgery. I am not happy about that, but what is the worst it could be? Cancer? I think I can deal with that. I had a great teacher.

I live amoungst the angels...

Last night I took these shots. Boy, do I still have a lot to learn. I didn't notice right away that my back light wasn't firing. So I played with it for a while and then realised that for some reason, even though it is super sensitive, it wasn't picking up the signal from the mail strobe. So I had to move the backlight to the opposite side and that meant that I had to move the main light to the equally opposite side, so I could get rid of the harsh shadows that I didn't want.

So I think I have it all figured out, and I start taking pictures. Instead of checking them like I normally do, I just kept taking shots. Then I stop put all my stuff away and upload the pictures... well... darnit. I threw off all my camera settings when I fixed the light... so I have this black line across them at the bottom. Can I tell you how annoying that is??

Then I get this letter in the mail, from Dirty Hippie soaps. Claiming that I stole her name and used it for one of my soaps. Now, honestly, what kind of stretch is it that I would come up with the name Dirty Hippie on my own... to use on a patchouli soap? That just added to my annoyance.

Earlier today, I had a new daycare child start. Great thing because I really can use the money... and one of my other kid gets picked up, and because he will be going to speech, and they can only do it in his county, they have to make other arrangements for care. Which I understand. The nice thing is that they like me and said that I was so much better than his last daycare. The bad thing is that Pie really likes this little boy.

Anyway, so my day didn't go as planned. Let's hope that we can get the rest of the week to not suck. LOL

I feel like this...

Today I woke up with a crook in my neck. It seems to radiate to my right arm, my right lower back, and my right leg. It is on the right side of my neck too. It hurts. Maybe I am getting the flu. I hope not. I have a lot to do this week.

I have been trying to take more pictures. I am including the shots I take here. We shall see if they get any better over time, eh?? My kids are strange, so they give me lots of oppertunity to get some different shots.

I also need to get organised. That should be a real challenge. We are saving for a house, it should take forever and a day to save enough. I will do it. It is something I really, really want. Hopefully by this time next year we will be out of here.

I miss Emerald. I heard something today that goes along with what I always say... that you can only control your reaction. Well, we only have control over the little things. We have control over so very little... all we can do is try to do the best with the stuff we have. I mean. I can use my brain to help me make choices, but what happens once it is out of my hands, well, that isn't in my control. To understand that really helps ease the burdon of life on me. I am not responsible for how someone reacts to me. I do what I can to be the best person and make choices that are responsible. You can't do any more than that. The whole world is a mass of people, each making a choice and each of us reacting to the choices they make. It is a wonder that we get by at all. If even a quarter of the people are making a bad choice at the time we are making a good choice, then they can impact us in a negative way. And then we have yet another choice to make, based on someone else's bad choice.

Seriously too much thinking for me.

LOL

Well, I am off to bed.

Living life...

Last night I went to my sister's house. Her fiance just turned 30. The kids all had fun. It has been a good distraction. Last year we missed it, because we were in Balimore. Today, Emerald had surgery,and they removed 95% of that stupid tumor. I can't believe that it grew back so fast. The stupid thing. Anyway. So we had fun, we ate cake, we laughed at the kids, acting silly.

Life just moves on... it is almost annoying. Someday we will all be at the end of ours too. I am kind of anxious for that day, because I want to know. I want in on the surprise. But at the same time, I would rather... just know the surprise now, it would help me really live. I guess I can live regardless... I mean... I don't have to live without knowing that I will eventually find out. We will. We all die. Given. So I try not worry about it. Life won't hold that secret from me.