And I am down 54 lbs since January!
I bet Emerald could tell now... after I lost 15 she kept saying she was around me too much to be able to tell...
People keep commenting on it now, my pants are falling off my hips... they are a size 20. I am no size 20! I feel great. My asthma is better and I am proud of myself. I still don't look different when I look in the mirror, but because I can fit into such a smaller size, and because my stomach feels tighter, I try not to go with my skewed views of things.
Today should be an interesting day. My sister will be engaged tonight and she has no idea it is coming! (I didn't give her the web address to my blog so no worries!) I can't wait to see her face. She will be so excited. Emerald would have loved to be a part of all this. I hope she can see... and I hope she is smiling!
Saturday, June 25, 2005
Thursday, June 23, 2005
I am in hell...
Ian is driving me mad. LOL He won't let me do anything, just keeps bothering me.
I really need to decide where I want to be in a few years. I feel like for the last year, life was stopped and now, it is moving forward with such force, that I am pushing myself into places just to keep from hitting the wall.
I am really, really into photography. I love it. I love being able to provoke emotional responses with my pictures... I love writing, and I hear that I do it well, but honestly, it isn't a passion for me. Cancer research? I want to do so much more with it, but I am no where near able or ready right now. I just want to figure out who I am without Emerald. I miss her more than anything. I honestly wish I didn't have to exist anymore. Take it back to before my parents had me. Just don't. Then there would be no heart ache, for any of us.
Why did my child have to die? What is it like after you die? Is she happy? Is she an angel? Can she see me? I miss her so much.
Hopefully, I can find my way. I think I need a light though.
I really need to decide where I want to be in a few years. I feel like for the last year, life was stopped and now, it is moving forward with such force, that I am pushing myself into places just to keep from hitting the wall.
I am really, really into photography. I love it. I love being able to provoke emotional responses with my pictures... I love writing, and I hear that I do it well, but honestly, it isn't a passion for me. Cancer research? I want to do so much more with it, but I am no where near able or ready right now. I just want to figure out who I am without Emerald. I miss her more than anything. I honestly wish I didn't have to exist anymore. Take it back to before my parents had me. Just don't. Then there would be no heart ache, for any of us.
Why did my child have to die? What is it like after you die? Is she happy? Is she an angel? Can she see me? I miss her so much.
Hopefully, I can find my way. I think I need a light though.
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
Hmmmm....
This weekend, I ate anything I wanted becuase it was a special occasion. I have been doing a Nutrisystem diet since February. I was 230 when I started. I am now 179. The odd thing is that regardless of what I eat now, I lose weight as long as I am staying in a certain range of calories. For a while I was stuck, so I took a week at 1000 or less calories each day, and then I moved up to more. I need to eat at least 1200 for me to be satisfied.
Oddly, the last thing I was expecting this week was weightloss. I have lost 3 lbs. Cool by me! I am working really hard to get to my goal by Labor Day weekend. I still have 26 to go. I don't even feel much thinner. I mean, I can obviously get into a smaller size after losing 51 lbs but I don't feel like I am less fat. When I look in the mirror I see the same frumpy chick I was before. Other people notice and they make such a deal sometimes that I feel like a freak show. OR I was a freak show before, now I can just blend in.
Aside from this, I am just getting my house cleaned up, the yard finished, work on my photography and my soap stuff sent out. I am 3 weeks behind on orders, so I need to get my butt in gear. Only 6 months until the busy season, and I have already been busy. I have no idea what to expect! I want to have time for my photography, but currently, I can only set aside a small bit of time for it.
Oddly, the last thing I was expecting this week was weightloss. I have lost 3 lbs. Cool by me! I am working really hard to get to my goal by Labor Day weekend. I still have 26 to go. I don't even feel much thinner. I mean, I can obviously get into a smaller size after losing 51 lbs but I don't feel like I am less fat. When I look in the mirror I see the same frumpy chick I was before. Other people notice and they make such a deal sometimes that I feel like a freak show. OR I was a freak show before, now I can just blend in.
Aside from this, I am just getting my house cleaned up, the yard finished, work on my photography and my soap stuff sent out. I am 3 weeks behind on orders, so I need to get my butt in gear. Only 6 months until the busy season, and I have already been busy. I have no idea what to expect! I want to have time for my photography, but currently, I can only set aside a small bit of time for it.
Monday, June 20, 2005
I just want to scream.
Why did this happen to me? Why am I forced to go on living without her? I guess I make the choice each day. I guess it is my responsibility and priviledge to stay here to care for my other two. But it is so darn hard. I miss her with every ounce of who I am. Days are less brighter because she is gone.
My mi is driving me crazy. I feel like I can't win with her. Oh, well, I can't. No matter what she gets on my case about something I didn't do. Or did do, depends on the situation, I suppose. This time, I didn't call her immediately following the $25 check she sent me. She "put thought into that you know". I bet she did. Knowing that she prefers my sil and then tells me of the wonderful things she got her for her birthday... just makes me want to smack her. The thought comes from her sending me a gift, just to acknowledge my birthday, and then making sure I know that if I were friendlier with her, I would get more. Honestly, I don't want anything from her. I don't even want her friendship. It comes with too many strings, strings that aren't worth it.
I sound like such a bitch. I don't even care. I am who I am. If I have no friends, I am completely aware of why. It isn't like I blindly go through life thinking that people really like me, especially when I am being a bitch. I feel like screaming. I feel like I shouldn't exist anymore. I feel.... I guess that is the problem. Perhaps I would do better numb.
My mi is driving me crazy. I feel like I can't win with her. Oh, well, I can't. No matter what she gets on my case about something I didn't do. Or did do, depends on the situation, I suppose. This time, I didn't call her immediately following the $25 check she sent me. She "put thought into that you know". I bet she did. Knowing that she prefers my sil and then tells me of the wonderful things she got her for her birthday... just makes me want to smack her. The thought comes from her sending me a gift, just to acknowledge my birthday, and then making sure I know that if I were friendlier with her, I would get more. Honestly, I don't want anything from her. I don't even want her friendship. It comes with too many strings, strings that aren't worth it.
I sound like such a bitch. I don't even care. I am who I am. If I have no friends, I am completely aware of why. It isn't like I blindly go through life thinking that people really like me, especially when I am being a bitch. I feel like screaming. I feel like I shouldn't exist anymore. I feel.... I guess that is the problem. Perhaps I would do better numb.
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