Working it out.

I want to preface this by saying that I am seeing a therapist. I just want to talk about it a little and tell someone what I am going through. I understand two things about what is happening. The first being that it isn't rational, and second, that the events that I have lived through in the last 3 to 4 years would be hard on anyone, so what I am feeling is expected.

I also understand that what I am writing might be hard for anyone to read, so feel free to NOT read, and move on, it won't hurt my feelings.

Since Emerald died, I have had occasional symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder. It is to be expected, and I have dealt with it. It didn't really affect my kids or my family other than I would have a freak out and have to get it under control, once I realized what was happening.

Since last week I have had similar issues. And now I am not sleeping... and I am terrified that my baby is going to die. Until tonight, I was just kind of dealing with it, and finally tonight, I am waking up with nightmares, and when I hold Eliza, I have flashbacks of holding Keri's baby. Like I am still there, and the lines are blurred, between then and now. I would say that it is just looking at the babies that makes me feel that way, but it isn't just looking, I have looked at images of babies like Fin, stillborn. It never affected me like this. But the feel of his skin, the weight of his body in my arms. What happens to a baby or a body when it stops pumping blood, biologically. My head is trying to make sense of it all... and I feel like I am struggling to breathe through it.

I don't know what I need. I feel like in my own head, I am going crazy trying to make some sense of everything. It would be inappropriate to make this about me to my own sister because it was her baby that died, not mine. I understand that those that love me here, and other places, feel just as helpless in stopping my hurt, or getting me through this, as I do with Keri and Christian. I feel like I was moving slowly forward and now I have taken 898779 steps backward.

Then talking to Keri, she says repeatedly, that she can never compare this happening to her, to me losing Emerald, because Emerald was with me for so long. It is different. She also says that my loss and her loss of Emerald has made this "less hard" for her. That if Emerald wouldn't have died, and she wouldn't have experienced that, then she wouldn't be able to get through her loss of Fin.

I am glad, and hurt and horrified.

Anyway, I had to get up and write this all down. Some of these things are just thoughts in passing... I should say that most of my thoughts are thoughts in passing. Things I think about while I get on with living life. Not stuff I dwell on. I think that is what worries people about me. They think that I write it out and I think about just those thoughts all the time. I am so much more complex than that. When people see me and talk to me they think the opposite. They feel that I am fine, and I need nothing, because "I handle it so well." I am sure many, if not all of you, can relate to some of that.

Well, I should get back to watching my baby breathe. LOL Hopefully, I can get some sleep.