I just have to write and I feel like there is no safe place. I feel like I am going crazy.
Thinking back to before Emerald. I remember sitting in my room. It wasn't really my room at all. It was Rene's house. He let me move in because the girl I lived with, Dandy, was being a collosial bitch. He was still in love with his room mate. But he kept seeing me. We have no air, and they would have parties all the time. My friend Liz would come over and we would just hang out with her daughter, Teeny. I wished I had a daughter too. I had always wanted a child. I was ready emotionally to have one then. I was 22. The circumstances were not of the kind where I wanted to have one then, but as luck would have it I got pregnant. Rene still said he didn't consider me to be his girlfriend. The night that I told him I was pregnant, he went out with a friend of ours, and left me home. I found out later on that he slept with this girl. I knew he did, in my heart...but I tried to push it away. He and his family were going to go to Cedar Point for the day, so he invited me along. He also invited this girl. The whole day he spent with me, pregnant, and him rubbing the back of this girl.
A few weeks later, he went again, this time, just with the girl. I stayed home. It was hot that night. I was bored, I was in the bedroom, listening to CD's. The Gin Blossoms, Pearl Jam, Alice in Chains... stuff like that. This was 1993. I remember that giddy feeling of knowing that I had a BABY in my stomach. I was scared. I had just moved out of my parents house, but I was managing on my own.
Eventually, whatever he had with that girl ended. I mean, I was obviously pregnant and living in his house. It hurt.
In November, I had a test done at the doctor. It was to tell you if your kid had markers for down syndrome, or spinal bifida. Our test came back positive for Spinal Bifida. I was terrified that 1, I would miscarry with the amnio they wanted me to take, and 2 that she would have a neural tube defect.
We went for the amnio, I remember we took my car (that I stupidly traded because I wanted a smaller one.. mine worked perfectly and this one, well, it wouldn't go in reverse half the time.) We had the test at Beaumont Hospital. It was the first time I ever went to that hospital, as an adult. The amnio was scary, but everything went well. We went back home and awaited the test results.
I remember going to the doctor that day. I can't for the life of me remember the name of the doctor that gave me the results. He was nice. He must have thought I was insane though. I was by myself. Rene was totally expecting that we were going to have a boy. His mom had 4 before she had her 1 girl, 20 years or so from the first child (Rene). He said that there were no problems with the baby's spinal cord. No defect. He also said that the fetus was female. To which I replied... "Oh thank God."
Rene and I decided to name her Emerald. He gave me a list of names to choose from and I picked from that list. I wanted an old fashioned name, like Emma. So Emerald fit right in with that. For middle names I don't know why I chose that name. Of course, it went with Emerald... but I can't remember what I was thinking.
The day my water broke, I was yelling at my 9 year old niece, Cory. I felt a pop, kind of like when a water balloon breaks. Didn't hurt, but it was almost like I could hear it! It didn't keep coming out, so I went home that night and contractions started. I tried to be patient. I didn't realise that I should have gone to the hospital. I told no one that I thought my water broke. This was Thursday. Friday was my appointment at the OB, surely they would know when they did the internal, that my water had broken.
Oddly, they even did an ultrasound. And they didn't notice. I started having doubts that it had indeed broken, because, I thought they could tell from how it looked... LOL
Saturday, I went to work, babysitting for my neice. I had contractions the whole time. Rene and I stopped on the way home, and I got a bean burrito, and he picked up some pants he had altered at this store... (the buckle).
Then we went home. I watched Officer and a Gentleman. I finished my shower thank you notes, I had a heating pad... and took a nap. A while later, we called the hospital, because I said I couldn't feel the baby moving. It was blizzarding out. Luckily, we only lived 2 blocks from the hospital.
I remember the childbirth classes leading up to this day. I couldn't wait to see her. I read everything I could. I can still feel it like it was yesterday. Oh the excitement. What a good feeling.
They let me labor for a while. We watched Mickey and the Beanstalk. My labor wasn't progressing. My sister showed up, she was drinking... with my friend Liz. Also, my parents came. My mom was very excited because this was her very first biological grandchild.
My labor continued to do nothing. I just wasn't dialating. They thought maybe things would move along better if they broke my water. (!) I still didn't say anything. They did, and nothing happened. No water came out... I wasn't surprised!
Shortly there after they said that I needed a c-section. So they gave me a spinal, and I was so thankful that my contractions stopped immediately. I felt nothing.
I remember when I first saw her. I couldn't hold her like I had planned. I couldn't even feel her fingers in mine. It felt like pin pricks. (Which is odd.. .because that is how Emerald said my hands felt after her surgery.)
It took me a few hours to hold her. I just didn't feel "ready".
Once, I held her, I never wanted to put her down. I talked to her constantly. She was my friend. From the moment I held her I knew that I didn't need anyone else. I felt complete with her in my arms, in my life. I never knew that you could love anyone as intensly as I loved her.
We did everything together. I took her absolutely everywhere. Much to Rene's dismay sometimes. He wanted to do grown up things, and I would cry if I was away. Heck, she would cry if she was away, so it worked out.
Anyway, that is all for now. I need to go to bed.
