I hate that my kid died.

I was looking at caringbridge sites today... and I can't believe how resentful I feel when I see that someone's else's child has beat cancer. Resentful, jealous... I mean, I am happy for them. I just feel so empty for myself. Nothing can fix it.

Maybe I sound like a bitch. I am not being one. I am just expressing a feeling I have. I wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone else. Ever.

Working it out.

I want to preface this by saying that I am seeing a therapist. I just want to talk about it a little and tell someone what I am going through. I understand two things about what is happening. The first being that it isn't rational, and second, that the events that I have lived through in the last 3 to 4 years would be hard on anyone, so what I am feeling is expected.

I also understand that what I am writing might be hard for anyone to read, so feel free to NOT read, and move on, it won't hurt my feelings.

Since Emerald died, I have had occasional symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder. It is to be expected, and I have dealt with it. It didn't really affect my kids or my family other than I would have a freak out and have to get it under control, once I realized what was happening.

Since last week I have had similar issues. And now I am not sleeping... and I am terrified that my baby is going to die. Until tonight, I was just kind of dealing with it, and finally tonight, I am waking up with nightmares, and when I hold Eliza, I have flashbacks of holding Keri's baby. Like I am still there, and the lines are blurred, between then and now. I would say that it is just looking at the babies that makes me feel that way, but it isn't just looking, I have looked at images of babies like Fin, stillborn. It never affected me like this. But the feel of his skin, the weight of his body in my arms. What happens to a baby or a body when it stops pumping blood, biologically. My head is trying to make sense of it all... and I feel like I am struggling to breathe through it.

I don't know what I need. I feel like in my own head, I am going crazy trying to make some sense of everything. It would be inappropriate to make this about me to my own sister because it was her baby that died, not mine. I understand that those that love me here, and other places, feel just as helpless in stopping my hurt, or getting me through this, as I do with Keri and Christian. I feel like I was moving slowly forward and now I have taken 898779 steps backward.

Then talking to Keri, she says repeatedly, that she can never compare this happening to her, to me losing Emerald, because Emerald was with me for so long. It is different. She also says that my loss and her loss of Emerald has made this "less hard" for her. That if Emerald wouldn't have died, and she wouldn't have experienced that, then she wouldn't be able to get through her loss of Fin.

I am glad, and hurt and horrified.

Anyway, I had to get up and write this all down. Some of these things are just thoughts in passing... I should say that most of my thoughts are thoughts in passing. Things I think about while I get on with living life. Not stuff I dwell on. I think that is what worries people about me. They think that I write it out and I think about just those thoughts all the time. I am so much more complex than that. When people see me and talk to me they think the opposite. They feel that I am fine, and I need nothing, because "I handle it so well." I am sure many, if not all of you, can relate to some of that.

Well, I should get back to watching my baby breathe. LOL Hopefully, I can get some sleep.

Wow... what a week.

My sister delivered her baby preterm. We found out today the strain of bacteria she had, and it was listeria. Which totally sucks. He was a big healthy 26 week fetus, and in a matter of hours, he was dead, she had to deliver him, because he was so big, and she was so far along. My heart just breaks for her and her husband.

I have found that despite my having lived through losing my own child, I am of no help to her. She has to go through this herself. I can't shelter her, and worse yet, I can barely deal with it. I was emotionally invested in her pregnancy. We both were pregnant at the same time, I helped her chart... I was the first person she told, even before her dh. I am useless to her, until I can find a way to deal with all my feelings about this.

Curtis Finian Collison was born Sept 21st, 2007 at 5:00 am. He was 2lbs and 6 oz, and 14.5 inches long. He looked just like his dad. My sister Keri handled herself in labor like a champ. Even with her fever and being sick, she did well, and had him naturally, just as she had planned.

I am glad that they caught the infection before it hurt Keri further. I could be grieving my sister, as well as my nephew and that would have just been the worse thing ever.

Can't sleep.

For the last couple days, I have been unable to sleep. I can't put a finger on the stressor either. Money issues aren't resolved, but I feel ok about it, and I found someone to watch my kids while I go to school, but even though I am nervous, that isn't either.

Shawn will wake me up when he gets into bed around 3-4 am... and then I can't sleep.

It sucks.

Anyhow.... I recently applied for welfare... foodstamps, medicaid, and daycare help, to be specific. We got approved, and they tell you to keep the cards if you are ever on public assistance, so they don't have to send them out again. I only lost one card... Pie's. So I have to wait for them to reissue it. I kept my food stamp card, and even though the case goes back until the 13th of August, I have to wait for them to send me a NEW CARD before I can even use the food stamps. So we are trying to live off the food we have, knowing that I have money coming just for food. It is getting on my nerves, maybe that is what the stress is. I really just want to be able to go shopping, and fill my cupboards and freezer and have one less thing to worry about.

Oh well.

I got a snap press so I can make diapers that snap instead of using velcro. I have to adjust my pattern now though to accommodate the snaps. I didn't realize what the issues were going to be before I made my first diaper with snaps, and now that I see... well... duh. LOL I can fix the diaper I made, but while it will be functional, it will be sort of like those shirts from the Michael Jackson-Thriller days, with all the zippers... but with snaps instead. Not quite the same affect. LOL Just snaps randomly placed all over the diaper...

I start school on Thursday. 6 weeks of Composition 2, and then 6 weeks of Algebra. WHILE taking Microbiology... in which I need all A's. After classes are finished, I think... "what the hell was I worried about..." but before that I get all nervous about it. I certainly don't want to fail. I don't want to look like a dumb ass, especially since I act like a know-it-all most of the time, LOL. And with Shawn starting school too, I feel like I have to compete with him.

Speaking of Shawn... I found a therapist that deals with families that have members that have high IQ's. Now I know that Shawn had said that he was looking for someone who dealt with that, and me... just looking for a therapist for our marriage, found someone first try, and they are going to waive all our co-pays, so that isn't a consideration anymore either. No real excuses not to go. I am not taking any meds due to breastfeeding, so I really need someone to talk to. I can't talk to Shawn... he isn't a good sounding board, and I hate bothering my friends, because well.. they have their own issues to deal with. I never realised how many people just lived in their shitty, non satisfying relationships. Shit, I don't want to die not being satisfied, and feeling like I gyped myself of being treated kindly, with respect.

We will see how that all goes. Hopefully with Shawn working with this guy, Shawn can get some self worth for himself. Going to school will help him, I think, so long as he doesn't turn it around and start treating me like I am stupid, because he has a verifiable higher than mine IQ. He tends to act like he is better than everyone else, me included.

Anyway, that is all for now. I think I am going to watch some TV. I tend to fall asleep better if the TV is at least on.

Why do I always feel like the last to know?

My niece got married. I found out from her myspace.

I am still confused as to why no one would mention it, but what are you going to do?

No one tells me when someone dies until after the funeral either. I just don't get it.

My pickle... trying to work things out...

So we moved to this house last year, we had every intention of actually purchasing it from the man that currently holds the title.

Then we had some financial difficulties and my credit went into the crapper. Shawn's was always there so that didn't change, although, his is more easily fixable at this point.

Then came Janai who was supposed to be temporary and now will be permanent. A surprise adoption, that I didn't know could even happen!

Then came Eliza, the sweet, who was unplanned, but completely wanted.

So our family situation has changed as well. A family of 4 became a family of 6 in a year's time. (We are actually a family of 7, because of Emerald!)

Anyway, so now not only doesn't the house suit our needs, but at the same time, we have some serious issues that can only be fixed with money... and time. The man who holds the title (R), had us sign an agreement that we would secure a mortgage by December, that isn't happening. If we pay off Shawn's debts, and wait a year, we will be eligible for a FHA loan. There is no good reason for us to try for a mortgage earlier than that. We would save thousands doing it this way. We would save money the down payment. So we could stay here longer if R would let us, but, it would cost us more. When we extended our contract for 6 more months, he raised our "rent" by $400 a month. This has been really trying for us. I am working my ass off for nothing, we can't do anything fun EVER... I can barely afford food right now, and I am good with money.

Honestly, my plan currently is: Move to rental. Wait for credit problems to clear up. Secure mortgage on new house. Move in there. 18 month-2 year plan.

So the upsides are:

-More money each month.
-Possibly more space.
-House better suited.
-Closer to preschooling with bussing.
-Less stress.
-Will be able to get both our credit situations back on track.
-We aren't tied to a mortgage yet, so we don't have to SELL our existing property to move.

Downsides:

-Have to move.
-Will be breaking the contract with R.
-Open a new daycare license again (but still have the same kids, so it might be a wash)
-Will lose money we put down here.

Does anyone have anything to add that I am not thinking about? I hesitate to make decisions because I don't have a good sounding board for my concerns. Shawn isn't exactly the thinking it out type. He thinks of one thing, and decides based on... whatever criteria...

Right now, I am wishing we never had moved out of our trailer... not that it matters, it didn't fit us either, but now we have a whole extra move in here that we didn't need. Although, some good might have come from it, not really sure what that is... but yeah..

Signs

Emerald was adamant that she would never send me signs.

She didn't want to scare me she said.

Perhaps she will change her mind. I have had a dream of her, where she had me wheel her into the living room. She said she needed to pee, so she had me head toward the bathroom. She put her feet down to stop the chair and then she got up and walked to the bathroom herself. She has been practising walking and wanted to surprise me.

I think it was a sign that she was moving forward from where SHE was, ready to let go of this life and reach for the next, where ever she is.

I don't think it had anything to do with me, other than she wanted to show me.