We are moving!

We ended up getting the house. Going to be rough, but we will get through it... or I will. I am very excited. This is more than twice the space we have now.

I have to get my daycare license moved over there... that will be a huge pain the the arse, but it is do-able.

I took pictures today...

Of my nephews. My sister in law has been asking me to take photographs of the boys and I have been putting her off. I was just so nervous that they would all be screwy and disappointing.

After talking with her today, she said, "Wow, you are a perfectionist, I had no idea!" Yeah, I am. It sucks. It is like this horrible crippling thing. I mean, I never even sold soap until Emerald got me into it, by showing and telling it at her school, and then suddenly, I was selling soap. She helped me at my first craft show, she encouraged me to do more, she got mad when she was sick and I wasn't going to do one... so I did one that year. And this year, I did one, in her honor.

It is so hard when I relied on her to help me. Not just physically. She was also my biggest cheerleader. I remember the day I had her and how I knew I needed no one else, besides her and me to get through this life. I just *knew* it, the second that I saw her. I left the hospital a changed woman.

Now when I try something new, I spend a lot of time avoiding before I actually put myself out there. Well, so I told my sister in law to make me make a date, and I will follow through. Without the date, I won't do anything.. LOL



I feel like I accomplished something today.

I got a new mini van yesterday. Not new, but new to me. :D I am pretty happy about it. We needed one now, for a very long time.

I hope you all have a good weekend.

Kathleen, I love your posts.

and Chuck, thanks for visiting!!

And another...

Well, this one wasn't focused on me, but I can identify with people saying such things.

maybe something bad happened so you could learn from it and help someone else, amounting to something good, even if it wasn't good for only you. maybe it would have been much worse, you don't know, maybe that WAS the good. who is to say it is good or bad or why and did god or satan do this? maybe you did it yourself?

Emerald died so someone else could learn a lesson? Seems kind of strange to me. Any god that would sacrifice my child, who didn't want to go, for the greater good, just isn't a god I want to worship. I really find some of these things just too simplistic. Perhaps they work in regards to little things in life, something you wouldn't dwell on trying to understand and these words give a "quick fix." But for me, they don't work at all. It isn't comforting to me to know that perhaps "God" took my child to help someone else learn a lesson. In fact, the idea draws fear in me.

Then there is..

the argument of the riddle of Epicurus:
Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent.
Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent.
Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil?
Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?

This makes a lot of sense to me. A lot more sense than thinking that God is a going to strike my child down to help someone else learn to do what they should.

Personally, I think that the power lies within us. If "god" is in everything, then essentially we ARE god. If god created both good and evil, if god created satan (if you believe in that) then we are ALL god.

Sigh. (I do this a lot)

Still thinking...

Wow, this was a crappy month, LOL

I miscarried, the house deal fell through, and it was my birthday (which sucked like usual) and mother's day, which had its moments, but Em died, so... yeah... of course it sucked.

Sigh.

At least now, we are on the look out for houses. The problem is that the guy we were getting the house from bought it in February for 176K. He wanted to sell it to us for 199K. I would have still went for it, but now after looking at other houses on the repo list, we may be able to find something much, much lower, in a nice neighborhood, nicer house. That would be good. So all isn't lost.

I am just so frustrated.

Kathleen. I love that story. I can see why one would make you think of the other. Yes, still watching the baby. Her mom can't seem to get it together. My power of attorney is almost out, so I will need to get it renewed I think, she just isn't ready to take her child back. Drugs are a horrible thing.

Well, more news today, I got the guy to go to 195K, he said after he put work into it, he is into it for 182K. I am not sure what to do at this point. For us, in the situation we are in. Manufactured trap er... I mean home... with 10% interest and never going to be owing less than it is worth, and not enough space, it seems like a better deal right from the start. And the guy is willing to work with our crappy credit, and we could probably mortgage in less than a year.

Sigh.

It is just so frustrating.

Oh and now, I look out the window and I see hail. Looks like snow mixed with rain... LOL

Better go.

:)

I use this blog...

To sort it all out. So if I sound whiney or I go long periods in between, then.. so be it.

Anyway, the guestbook entry in Emerald's journal today said that God knows what I am feeling because he watched his son suffer and die.

Now. Come On. This is GOD we are talking about. Sure, if what Christians say is true then yes, perhaps he did watch his son die. But God had the power to stop that from happening and he didn't. At least according to many Christians I know. So God doesn't understand how I feel. I had NO POWER in keeping my child alive. I would have given up practically every other thing in my life to make that happen, and she still died. I guess, the thing is, that a lot of people think that their way of thinking will make everyone feel better.

Because I am not a Christian, I don't look at things like that. No way can I say for sure what I do believe, but I can tell you that most of the mindless ramblings of many of the Christians that have emailed me, (And to be fair, there are many of you who do not do this to me.) have been less than helpful. If God understands where I am, then he also understands why I am more pissed than shit, about what happened.

We are on our way to buying a house (I think.) What a collosial pain in the ass it has been. LOL But if it all works out, we will be doing great. If not, well, then we wait. Finding something we can afford, in the area we need to be in so I don't have to shut down my daycare, and with the space we need to get by on for the next 5 years or so is hard. This place suits all our needs. Just cross your fingers that we can get some magic to get it to work out.

AND as happy as I am to move, I am also worried about moving Emerald's stuff. About closing this chapter in my life, the life with her here in this house. But I know I can't live like this forever.

Nothing is easy is it??